Context: You're a simple tailor in a large city. You're used to catering to the nobility and largely have a good rapport with them. No one 'too' high maintenance. Well... except for the Duke of Fairwood, an Elven lord who seems to visit you almost every single day though he's surely drowning in clothes by now. He seems to love arguing with you or flustering you. What an asshole, right?

Setting: Your tailor shop

Tags: [MM4A][Frenemies to ?][Tsundere Noble Elven Speaker][Tsundere Human Tailor Listener][Flirting][Sassing][Antagonistic Banter][Comedy][VERY Spicy][Ear Nibbles][Confession?][I Hate You][But I Love You?][Clothes Fitting][Sitting On His Lap][Tsundere vs Tsundere][CW: Implied Abuse/Spicy Language]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects. If you would like to use this script for a paywalled recording please DM me first. Thank you :3

***

All unmarked text is the Duke of Fairwood aka Evander (but shh you don’t know his true name yet)

[G] = A guard about to have a bad time

***

[Scene opens in your tailor shop]

[SFX: Sewing and a door being flung open]

[The door is flung open dramatically and the Duke of Fairwood strides in, ever the presence]

“Good day, Tailor! The splendiferous Duke Fairwood has arrived to grace you with his beauteous presence!”

[Pause]

[He pauses as you set the package with his new clothes on the counter]

“Oh… No banter? Not even a coy remark, Tailor? Well! Then I shall simply have to purchase more clothes! Go on, show me your finest.”

[Pause…]

[You bring out your creations while the Duke sits and appraises them with unnecessary intensity]

“Hmm… I do love that deep purple. I quite think it’d compliment my eyes and jawline, hmm. What do you think, my dear?”

[Pause]

[He almost pouts]

“Oh, you’re no fun. Saying “whatever makes me happy” isn’t helpful, love! Come now, where is your usual sass?”

[Pause]

[Again, he pouts]

“Yes, I suppose I did call you an unprofessional brat last time… And, yes, I did say that, were you employed by me, I’d have you fired in the most humiliating manner possible. But! But… you also told me that I’m a miserable brat that doesn’t know how to treat his servants with basic human dignity. One, I am an elf, so fuck you. Two, your… points were not wholly invalid… So I gave them all raises and better working conditions simply to spite you. So there.”

[Pause]

“Ohohoho! There’s some of that sass. Hmhm, you know, I saw Lady Victoria here in the most dreadful gown. Clearly not one of yours, hmph. The stitchwork was just gods awful, and the colors uninspired. I trust you got her fixed up, hm?”

[Pause]

“Good. She’s very influential. A bit of a raging bitch but-”.

[Pause]

[Duke Fairwood sputters as though you’d made out with his Dad]

“It is most certainly NOT a trait of all nobility. I am not bitchy. I am clever and can hold my own in a conversation, thank you.”

[Pause]

“Hmhm, yes… I am very handsome, muscular, and intelligent. Wait… you’re being sarcastic again!”

[Pause!]

“I know I said I could hold my own in a conversation, you! Rrgh, you are infuriating!”

[Pause]

“Then why do I keep coming back? Because I want to, brat. I pay good money for your work and I expect I’ll keep coming back regardless because while YOU have no taste, your clothes are… admittedly, stunning.”

[SFX: Another rack of clothes being moved about]

“Hmm, I do like that robe quite a bit. Let me try it on.”

[Pause]

[He rolls his eyes with an over dramatic sigh]

“Gods above… May I try it on, PLEASE?”

[Pause]

[He grumbles and steps into the fitting room, sashaying out after a few minutes]

“What do you think, hm? Do my muscles ripple? Do I look like a dashing Prince set to rescue his Princess?”

[Pause]

“I look like an elf in a fancy white robe? Ughh, you’re no fun. Hm? Oh, yes I did acquire a scar over my hip from hunting a week or so ago. What? Yes, I’m nude under here, it’s a ROBE, Tailor. Do you wear your robes fully clothed underneath?”

[Pause]

“Hm? Oh, my lowers. Yes. You humans are so easily offended by the nude form. There, the robe is closed now, though… from your expression, perhaps you liked what you saw, hmmm?”

[He laughs as you throw the robes sash at him and it lands over his eyes]

“And they throw the sash across my eyes, lest my exceptionally attractive form bring them to my bed! Hmhm, so easy to fluster.”

[Pause]

“Ohoho, it’ll be a cold day in Hell before you join me in bed? Fine! I don’t want you in my bed! You’ll probably DIE from the pleasure and we wouldn’t want THAT, now would we?!”

[SFX: A door chime]

[You both start as the door to your shop opens and a guard pokes his head in]

[G] “Duke Fairwood? Is everything alright, your grace?”

“I, ah… of course, guardsman! Of course. I was simply, ah, yelling at this worker! For telling me that they could not, ah… produce new bed sheets for me as they do not make bed sheets, you see!”

[The guard side-eyes your rather obvious display of bed sheets]

[G] “Are you… certain everything is alright, Duke Fairwood? If this worker is harassing you, then I can have them thrown in the dungeons for a few nights. That usually calms down the peasants.”

[For the first time since you’ve known him, you see Duke Fairwood turn red with fury, almost shaking]

“...Let me make myself clear, guardsman, and do be a dear and pass this along to all you work with: if you or anyone else lays a hand on my Tailor, I will see to it that all responsible are treated to a cup of molten lead versus cold mead. You do not disrespect them, ever, and you’re going to be a good little boy and recommend this shop to everyone you can. Am I clear?”

[The guard pales and nods hurriedly]

[G] “Y-Yes, Duke Fairwood! Of course!”

“Leave.”

[The guard turns tail and sprints off as fast as he can]

[...]

“...I am aware he was just doing his job. That is why I did not draw my blade. My apologies for yelling…. Phew, I think I need to sit.”

[He collapses back in a spare chair you have, rubbing his temple]

“... The guards haven’t harmed you before… have they?”

[...]

[He sighs and sits back up, speaking tersely]

“...as much as I adore giving you shit… if you are being hurt, I need to know, alright?”

[Pause?]

“P-Pardon? I did not call you “my Tailor”, shut up.”

[Pause]

“Hmph. I suppose it is technically true, you are the only tailor I work with. You know what fabrics do my pristine beauty right, you know what I am comfortable in, you know… a lot about me. More than most, I should say. More than most care to know…”

[Pause]

[He laughs behind his hand, trying not to hide it]

“Oh, tis true, tis true, if only I weren’t such an immense asshole perhaps anyone within their right mind might wish to get to know me! So… what is your excuse for getting to know me, hmmmm?”

[Pause]

[He watches you gather up some robes near the chair]

“And they ask why a Duke such as myself would bother getting to know a little urchin of a tailor…”

[SFX: Shoes scuffling on a wooden floor / the chair creaking]

[The Duke reaches out and gently takes your hand, drawing you on to his lap]

[!!!!]

“And why would the Duke draw said urchin on his lap… Bother, bother, why why why indeed.”

[Pause]

[He draws you closer, lowering his voice to a whisper:]

“I will be vulnerable with you… this one time. But, first, allow me one little bit of indulgence.”

[He leans forward and gently nibbles on your ear]

[...]

“Mmh, these cute little round ears… They do twitch a little when stimulated, hmhm. How cute.”

[Pause]

[He smiles pleasantly, almost nose to nose with you]

“You’re fun~”

[SFX: A light smack]

“Ah-! Hey. Watch yourself. I am still nobility, you know. Go on. If you say you don’t want to be on my lap, I’ll let go.”

[You glare into his infuriatingly beautiful eyes and he smirks back at you with his infuriatingly beautiful smile]

“I’m not hearing any further complaints from you…”

[His sing-song voice turns sensual]

“Good… Because I am so fucking desperate for you that I think I’m going insane… Close your shop for the day, now.”

[Pause]

“I don’t give two shits about any other customers, I’ll pay for any lost earnings. I’m tired of sharing you, sharing your time, and I am shaking with desire… I’m being vulnerable with you right now and… perhaps I might be able to… articulate my feelings once I can trust you won’t reject me… My greatest fear has become you not wanting me back, silly as it sounds.”

[Pause]

“Lock the shop up, Tailor. Please.”

[You do as he asks, drawing the curtains and locking the front door while he waits. When you turn back to him, he’s right behind you and hungrily seizes your lips in his own]

“Mmh, good… Good. Upstairs. Now.”

[Pause]

“Oh, I will not make good on my threat to break your bed! Not on purpose, at least. Now, get your ass upstairs and let us resolve these feelings, hm?”

[You curse him a few times but he simply smiles as you lead him upstairs]

[The End?]

Note: Of all the couples I’ve written, these two are 100% the ones that only hatefuck (or think they do, anywho). Also, yes, this is the same Duke Fairwood that was mentioned during The King of Wraiths Pt. 3. Yes, he and the Tailor are canonically a secret couple, and, yes, he is exactly as dramatic and full of himself as Percy from Salon Shipper :3