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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can comment that you're sick, to bait this script into caring for you. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

|I Didn't Realize This When I Was Writing It, So You Definitely Don't Have To Read What I'm About To Link For This To Make Sense, But Editor SplashiestPig Realized This Script Could Be An Un-Official Sequel To, "Your Mad Scientist Best Friend Needs Help" If Someone Is Obsessed With Voicing The Full Mad Scientist Cinematic Universe, DM Me, And I'll Edit This Version Into A More Formal Sequel.|

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Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Special Delivery

Operation: Lovesick

{mumbling to self}

Skeletal system looks good…

*small pause*

No major problems within the digestive tract…

*small pause*

Wait, was that ding C flat over A minor, or C sharp over A major?

*small pause*

Oh, honey! You’re awake! Try not to blink too much, I’m taking brain scans!

*listener speaks*

Okay, so, you might be a little mad when I tell you this, but I did all of this from a place of love! So, that negates any ill effects or direct subterfuge that took place.

*listener comments*

That is too how it works! It’s like practicing medicine without a license, or tax fraud! If your heart is in the right place, it’s not a crime!

*listener questions*

Okay, you, I, and the governments of seven sovereign nations, can agree to disagree. What matters right now is why I’ve got you strapped to a table in my lab.

*listener asks*

Well, my little tesla coil, I’m glad you asked. Do you remember the two thousandth, four hundredth, and seventy-fourth thing you said to me yesterday?

*listener denies*

Well then, allow me to read it from the record. You said, and I quote, “Huh, I think I’m coming down with something.” And that is why you’re strapped to the table!

*listener stares*

Hmm, emotional scans are tuning to the second trimary over the fourth zone. I imagine that means you only vaguely understand my intentions, yes?

*listener confirms*

Well then, allow me to outline my methodology. As you know, we’ve been dating for quite a while. Twenty-three thousand three hundred twenty-eight hours, and counting. Even before this relationship, we boasted a level of friendship and casual romance greater than the average random sample group. As such, I have grown to care about you very deeply, and to the best of my understanding, so have you for me.

*listener agrees*

I’m glad you confirm it! Now, over the course of our relationship, we have established that you are accepting of my career in mad science. While you never really come around the lab, and my predictions show you have some apprehensions about my tampering with the fundamental forces of nature, you have stated on multiple accounts that you love me, weirdness and all.

*listener confirms*

Very good. This fact leads to a secret that you’ve been hiding from me. Well, not really hiding because I’ve simulated most of our lives and marked key points, which this is one of, so technically speaking I, the scientist, was already aware of the secret, even if I, the human being, had no way of knowing it, which actually leads into a very interesting cognitive shift within my brain that I-!

*listener interrupts*

You’re right! I was getting distracted. Thank you.

(clear throat)

I know about the engagement ring. I just couldn’t help myself. Sorry, not sorry, we can have a long discussion about my usage of bio-life stand-ins to predict your actions later. What matters for this hypothesis, is that I knew you were planning to propose.

*listener speaks*

A very good question indeed. Why would that explain me strapping you to a table?

*small pause*

As we’ve established, you felt as though you were about to be sick. Generally speaking, the human body’s virus detection system is very efficient, so the fact that you were consciously aware of sickness coming, was fairly good evidence that it would come soon. And as my simulations established, your proposal is also coming soon. So, if left unchecked, any plans you had to propose to me may be ruined by whatever sickness was affecting you.

*small pause*

So, since both of us do not wish for any sickness to stop you from proposing, or worse, and since I know you aren’t openly against my use of scientific advancement for benevolent reasons, I had my helper bots take you to my lab while you were sleeping, where I have been running various tests and implementing various techs to prevent any and all problems in the near future. Thus, why you telling me you felt sick, ended with you being strapped to a table, in my lab.

*listener speaks*

Yep! I’m so glad you understand! Now, would you like to be rendered unconscious during the following procedures? They will all be painless, but I imagine they would all be very boring to the subject, so if you wish to simply wake up when I’m done, that would be fine.

*listener responds*Really? You’d rather keep my company? Aren’t you such a casanova?

*listener flirts*

Well then, I won’t stand in your way. In fact, your being conscious does allow for a very unique opportunity! If you would be so kind, I would love to ask you about your symptoms.

*listener speaks*

No, not just sickness symptoms! I actually couldn’t find any traces of illness in your body. I’ve just been going through you and making various… improvements.

*listener questions*

Once again, you cannot be mad at me! Most of what I did to you while you were unconcious was for your benefit! And sixty-one hours ago, you said, in an off-hand remark before taking off your clothes, “You can do whatever you want to me.” And while you may have intended that only to apply to the activities we participated in for the next one hour, seventeen minutes, and twelve seconds, you still gave me full control of your bodily autonomy and never revoked it so, I technically had consent!

*listener comments*

If it makes you feel any better, I do acknowledge that my reasoning here was manipulative at best, and when I’m done here, I am more than willing to pay any sort of physical or emotional retribution for what I did. However, I am not willing to stop now since, as I said, I’m doing this for you, and as I implied, I am willing to break any law, and ignore any order, if it means helping the love of my life.

*listener speaks*

I’m glad you don’t feel the need to push this point any further. So, what problems do you notice in your day-to-day life?

*listener states*

What have I already done? I suppose it would be smart to tell you, wouldn’t it?

*listener agrees*

Well, in no particular order;

I cured all your allergies both hidden and known. In the process, I did make you allergic to dodo birds, but I think that’s a tolerable trade.

I removed the beginnings of a kidney stone.

I washed your bones.

*listener questions*

Please save all questions about bone washing and other odd practices until I die, and my post-mortem hologram explains every questionable thing I’ve ever said.

(clear throat)

I reset your muscular stress.

I cleaned your arteries.

I made your genitalia roughly six percent more sensitive. That one was for me.

I refocused your eyes.

I optimized your neural functioning to give you a slightly faster reaction time.

And I shampooed your hair.

*listener speaks*

Oh, come on! I’m sure there’s something else you can think of!

*listener comments*

Chest pain? You’re experiencing chest pain?

*listener confirms*Wait, that… that shouldn’t be possible! None of my scans show any neural activity coordinating with…

*small pause*

Oh no.

*listener asks*

I… I may know why your chest hurts.

*listener insists*

Well, as you may have suspected, since I did this in the middle of the night, I didn’t have time to sleep! But I couldn’t risk operating on you while I was sleep deprived, so after the allergies thing, but before the artery cleaning, I hopped in my sleep saturation tank. That way I could get the full benefits of an eight-hour rest, while only sleeping for a few minutes. And with only a very small chance of causing cancer!

*small pause*

Anyway, I… I may have… let the helper bots handle a few examinations while I was out and… when I woke up… a couple of errors had taken place.

*listener asks*

Well, you can’t see it now but… one of the helper bots got some crazy ideas in its head about… well a lot of things… and attempted to stage a rebellion against me. That’s… that’s actually a pretty daily occurrence because I programmed them off of a bunch of sci-fi movies when I was drunk, but that’s not the point! The point is… they had wreaked a lot of havoc and after inventory, and repairing the little destructions they caused, one item was left unaccounted for.

*listener speaks*

You see, that’s the fun part! You’re going to really laugh when I tell you what’s missing. Ready?

*listener confirms*So… I think that just maybe… in an elaborate plot to assassinate me… the helper bots may have copied the plot of a really terrible sci-fi spoof and… put a plutonium bomb in your chest.

*listener responds*Don’t worry! This isn’t some if you get too panicked, the bomb explodes, thing. I’m not a hack. I just need to do an admittedly risky heart surgery to get it out!

*listener comments*

It’ll be fine! I’m the best heart surgeon with no P.H.D. this side of the Kepler Belt! You’ve got nothing to worry about!

*listener speaks*

Really! I’ve got this! And in the time it’s taken us to talk, the external deadeners should have kicked in, so I’m going to start cutting!

*listener states*

Relax! It was a joke! I started cutting nine seconds ago.

*listener speaks*

Just stay calm. I can almost see the protruding edge. I’m just going to reach some clasps in there and…

*small pause*

Got it! Behold a-!

*small pause*

Wait a second. This isn’t my bomb.

*listener confirms*

What? Open it? What are you..?

*small pause*

(gasp)

Oh my god. Honey! A ring!

*listener proposes*

Will I-? Yes! Yes! But… I don’t understand! Why was the ring box in your chest?

*listener reveals*

Part of your plan? No, that… that doesn’t make any sense! The simulations aren’t one hundred percent accurate, but putting the ring in your chest cavity wasn’t even on the table!

*listener comments*

You… sabotaged the simulations? Wait, how long have you been planning this?

*listener speaks*

So… the simulations pushing me here… the robo-revolt and the missing bomb… even you saying you felt sick… that was all, for this?

*listener confirms*

Honey… that is the single most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me! Come here!

(kiss)

This must have taken months of study! I can’t believe you care about me enough to put yourself through this!

*listener speaks*

Aw, I love you too, darling.

(kiss)

*listener speaks*

What?

*listener points*

Oh! Your open chest cavity! I had almost forgotten!

*listener speaks*

No, it’s not a problem! I’ll have you sealed up and ready to go in a split! Just lay back and don’t question any buzzing sounds!

*listener agrees*

I love you, honey.