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[Furious] Don’t touch them. [FX: Cracking skull]

[Sweet] Are you okay? That zombie didn’t bite you, right?

[Short Pause]

[Warm] Thank God.

[Pause]

[Flustered] You…like my baseball bat? Thanks. I thought the barbed wire was a nice touch.

[Pause]

[Surprised] Yeah, it’s [Your Name]. I can’t believe you actually remember me.

[Pause]

I know we went to school together. It’s just I was so quiet, and you were so cool.

[Pause]

No, you definitely were. [Nervous, friendly] So, uh, how’ve you been?

[Pause]

Right, yeah, zombie apocalypse. Duh. That has kind of overshadowed everything else that’s happened lately. How’s the apocalypse been going so far?

[Pause]

[Sympathetic] Sorry to hear that. That’s rough. [Vulnerable] I’ve, um, I’ve lost some people, too.

You should come with me. I can keep you safe. I’d…really like to, actually.

[Pause]

Why wouldn’t I want you with me? You were always really nice to me in school, and…I’ve kind of been looking for you. Not actively, of course. It’s just…Do you remember that one time in class when you said that your Zombie Survival Plan was to become a zombie because you have zero survival skills?

[Pause]

Yeah, I know it was a joke, but I thought about it when the infection started spreading. [Warm] I’m really glad you’re okay. Come on. We should get moving.

[Pause]

Me? I’m alright. It turns out I’m actually really good at this whole “surviving the apocalypse” thing. I have a lot of hobbies that turned out to be surprisingly helpful. I’m an excellent marksman, and I’m comfortable wielding most close-range weapons. I picked up some first aid skills, and I’ve taken some classes on supporting people through trauma. Also, I know how to safely dispose of a dead body — [backpedaling] not because I’ve been disposing of dead bodies before now, obviously. That would be crazy. I just read a lot.

Anyway, here we are.

[FX: Opening hatch]

Home sweet home! You don’t have to whisper, by the way. It’s totally soundproof. You could scream at the top of your lungs, and nobody would hear you.

[Pause]

Why do I have a soundproof underground bunker?

It’s a little embarrassing. I’d rather not get into it.

[Pause]

Why does it look like the honeymoon suite at a hotel? Well, I’ve always been the romantic type.

[Seductive] Sorry there’s only one bed. You don’t mind sharing, do you? Good.

You know, the storeroom for this place is even bigger than the living area. I have a lot of non-perishable foods and other supplies stockpiled. We could just hide away here. No one would ever bother us.

I have my own generator, so everything works [flirtatious] including the jacuzzi tub. I imagine it’s been tough to have a proper soak with the power outages and always looking over your shoulder. You deserve some relaxation. [Seductive] Do you want to try it out?

Oh, don’t worry about changing back into your dirty clothes afterward. There are plenty of extra outfits for you to change into. See?

[Pause]

Why do I have an entire wardrobe of clothes that are your size? I’m pretty sure it’s not actually your size. You’ve lost weight recently, right?

[Pause]

Thought so. Running for your life will do that. Gotta make sure you’re eating enough to fuel all that running and screaming and stuff.

Oh my gosh, I am the worst [host/hostess]. Do you want something to eat or drink? No? Okay, let me know when that changes.

[Pause]

You’re still wondering about the clothes. Okay, um, [Obviously Lying] I had a sibling who was about your size, and now they’re dead. So they’re your clothes now.

[Pause]

No worries; it’s cool. A lot of people are dead.

[Pause]

My parents? They’re fine. I think my mom dragged my dad to the Rocky Mountains. Something about better survival in a lower population area and no one ever finding them.

She did invite me along, but I didn’t want to go. Their marriage is so weird. I was not prepared to live alone with the two of them for the rest of my life. Plus, I was in love [awkward pause] with this city. My bunker is here and everything, so y’know, I’ve kind of put down roots.

[Pause]

Hmm? Oh, that’s the armory.

[Pause]

What was I planning to do before the world ended? I’m not sure that’s really relevant anymore. I think a lot of people had to reevaluate where they were going after the last few months. I’m guessing your career plans changed pretty quickly after the government fell, right?

[Short Pause]

Exactly. And I’m not sure if whether or not my plans were legal really matters all that much now that there’s no one enforcing the laws. Clearly, they were never all that important in the first place.

I think it’s time to let the past go and accept the new normal — where the dead walk and the survivors have to fight and struggle and scavenge to see another day.

[Loving] But not you. I’m going to protect you. You won’t have to worry about finding food to eat or a safe place to stay. You won’t have to worry about getting infected by a zombie.

You can be comfortable here with me. [Vulnerable] Do you want that?

[Whispered] Please say yes.