Dude, can you back up a bit? I don’t know you.

[Pause]

[Disturbed] You did what now?

[Pause]

Oh. Oh, wow.

[Pause]

Wow.

[Pause]

[Nervous] Um. I really should be going…I…

[Pause]

[Darker] Interesting

[Pause]

[Distracted] Uh-huh, yep.

[Pause]

[Cheerful] Yeah, no, I’m listening. Keep me locked up with you. Princess in the tower. Love that shit. Can we back up like two ticks?

[Darker, flirtatious] Did you just say you would kill for me? Do you mean it?

[Pause]

You already did kill for me? Who was it?

[Pause]

Yeah, he’s been missing for a while now. They never did find a body. Is that because you’re really good at the whole covering-up-a-murder thing or…?

[Pause]

[Acting innocent, emphasis on “acting”] I’m not mad or anything. I’m just a little confused. I’m not sure if you really killed him “for me.” It kind of sounds like you killed him “for you” so you wouldn’t have to deal with the competition. And I respect that.

But you’d still be down to kill someone specifically “for me,” right?

[Pause]

Great. I have some suggestions.

[Pause]

It’s just that there are sooo many people on this planet, and I feel like maybe a few of them shouldn’t be.

[Pause]

Oh my God, you are such a sweetheart. Okay, first of all, you know that guy who tried to assassinate Reagan to impress Jodi Foster? I know Jodi wasn’t that into it, but personally? I find that shit so hot. There are a few politicians who I’d really like to see gone.

It wouldn’t have to be anything flashy. I’m not that kind of girl. I’m super down to earth. As long as they’re dead, I’m cool with it. And most politicians are basically dinosaurs so if it looked like a heart attack or they just died quietly in their sleep…Do you know a lot about poisons?

[Pause]

Damn. [Short pause] That’s smart. I never would have thought of that.

[Pause]

Are you kidding? I love learning about your hobbies. Passion is sexy.

[Pause]

So once we get through a few key players there — not counting our chickens, but I have so much faith in you; you’ve got this — there are also a few figures in the media.

[Pause]

No, I’m not trying to start a revolution or whatever. Can you imagine me running the country? No way. I am such a couch potato. But if I’m gonna live my best couch potato life, I really need to know that everything is stable and I have all my civil rights and all that good stuff.

Honestly, politics have been stressing me out for a while now. Mmhm. I don’t even watch the news anymore. But I have this one friend, and he always tells me the highlights so I think I have a pretty good idea of who needs to go.

[Flirtatious] Are you in?

[Pause]

Oh my God, you are so precious. I literally just wanna put you in my pocket right now. If you can pull this off for me, I will love you forever. That’s what you want, right? Me loving you? Forever?

[Pause]

I’m already so excited. Okay, if we get through this [playful] crazy idea without either of us getting killed or sent to prison, and you still wanna murder some people for me, then we can bring this whole shindig a little closer to home.

[Pause]

First of all, there’s my ex’s mother. She never liked me, which is whatever, you know? I didn’t need her to like me. But I’m allergic to tree nuts — you knew that already. Of course you did. Anyway, guess who suddenly starts putting walnuts and pecans and almonds in everything she bakes? And trying to serve them to me? I talked to my ex about it. She was not that into nuts. This was new behavior for her because she was spiteful, and she doesn’t really believe in allergies. I feel like maybe she would learn a little empathy if she couldn’t breathe, either.

What are your parents like, by the way?

[Short pause]

Dead? Great. I mean, not great. Obviously. My condolences. But in-laws, am I right?

[Pause]

My mom? Oh, she’s a sweetheart. If I’m happy, she’s happy, and I’m ecstatic right now. Trust me, she’s gonna love you.

Okay, next up, there’s my neighbor Richard. I threw a party once — and I don’t throw a lot of parties. You’ve been watching me, right? Do I throw a lot of parties? No, didn’t think so. Anyway, I throw one party. He called the cops at 8 p.m. because we were being loud. We were not being loud, and it was 8 p.m. I was not bitter about that. Water under the bridge. What bothers me is his hypocrisy. Richard likes to mow the lawn at 5 a.m. every single day. Grass does not grow that fast. He just doesn’t have a life. I asked him to bump it back a couple hours, and he said, “Sure.” But he’s still doing it.

Finally, there’s Candace. Yep, that Candace. I guess you would know her since you’ve been, y’know, following me around. Did you see her weddings photos on Facebook? I was the Maid of Honor.

We’ve been best friends since we were like eight. She’s the nicest person you’d ever meet and probably the prettiest.

…I hate her so much.

[Pause]

You are so good to me. I know it’s a little soon, but I think I’m already falling in love.

I’m gonna go jot down my kill list, okay? Give me five minutes, and then we can go get coffee or something. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back!