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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can bully this script into letting you crash in its burrow. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

Cold Comfort

[blizzard ambiance]

(shudder)

Freak snow storms in February… I don’t know how but I’m sure this is humanity’s doing…

*small pause*

Goddess forbid a snow owl be warm during a blizzard! These down feathers must just be for looks!

*small pause*

I…

(shudder)

I need to stop complaining and find some shelter. Doesn’t have to be good, it just needs to get me through the storm.

*small pause*

A cave. Not exactly my first pick but… if it’s empty, it’ll do.

(shudder)

{loudly}

Hello! Anyone in here?!

*small pause*

[snake rattles]

Ooh, maybe my luck is turning around! I could really use a snack.

*small pause*

Here, snake snake snake! Come on out! I’ll make it quick.

[bodies thump]

Ah! Goddess spare me… you’re a lamia!

(choke)

{strained}

Don’t try it, slit eyes! I can claw out your throat before you crush me!

[body thumps]

(deep breath)

Stay back! I am not above killing someone with no legs!

[snake rattles]

Don’t you rattle at me! I’ve got better things to do than deal with a lamia! This blizzard is way too cold for me to keep trekking through, so I’m staying! Either you’re going to slither on out of here willing, or I’m throwing you out!

[listener hisses]

Don’t try it!

[bodies thud]

Agh! You stupid little sidewinder! I’ll-

(grunt)

You-!

(groan)

{strained}

Like that? My talons pushing into your skull? I may not be strong enough to kill you like this, but if you squeeze any tighter, you’ll impale yourself.

*listener slows*

That’s a good snake.

(cough)

Now, accept defeat and go slither out into the snow.

*listener objects*

I know that’d kill you. That’s the point! I don’t like you.

*listener questions*

Well for one thing, you tried to kill me! And for another, owls eat snakes, and snakes eat owls. We’re natural enemies.

*listener comments*

Please, I have you dead to rights!

*listener squeezes*

{strained}

We’ve been over this, snake! You squeeze me, you die.

*listener slows*

That’s what I thought.

*listener offers*

No. I’m not leaving! I’m staying here, you’re going.

*listener denies*

I don’t care if this is your burrow. I need it I’m taking it.

*listener states*

No! I won’t negotiate with some cold-blooded-!

*small pause*

Wait… cold-blooded…

*small pause*

{sly}

Say, lamia. You don’t look well? Is something getting to you?

*listener comments*

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe wrapping yourself around me wasn’t the best idea. After all, my feathers do work as insulators. If I’m cold, my outer layer must be freezing. I’m sure hanging onto me is turning you into a snake-cicle.

*listener states*

No, that’s just it! I don’t have to do anything! I sit here for a few minutes, and your muscles will lock up. Then I get a free meal, and a nice cave.

*listener denies*

{strained}

Really? You’d kill yourself just to kill me?

*listener agrees*

(gasp for air)

Fine! Stop!

*listener slows*

Maybe… maybe we can work something out.

(deep breath)

Thank you. Now, we’ve clearly got a case of mutually assured destruction. And neither of us are willing to leave, so the path ahead is clear. We’ll both stay.

*listener complains*

Hey! I don’t want to hear any complaints about this being your burrow. You’re lucky I’m willing to share. So, let’s just set up on opposite sides of the cave, that way if one of us tries to kill the other, we’ll have time to defend ourselves.

*small pause*

Goodnight, snake. I hope you freeze in the night so I’ll have something to eat in the morning.

*pause*

[light slithering]

Snake. I hear you moving. If you think you can get the jump on me because I’m asleep, then you don’t know much about owls.

*listener denies*

Oh, you’re just cold? And what do you want me to do about that?

*listener offers*

Not a chance. Go back to your side of the cave.

*listener insists*

Nope. No way. Not only is it in my best interest to let you die, but I also don’t trust you in the slightest. One moment, you're wrapping me for body heat, the next, you decide you’d like some chik’n nuggies. I’m not risking it!

[stomach growls]

Great. I shouldn’t have talked about food when I was this hungry.

*listener comments*

Yeah. Don’t you know anything about owls? We eat smaller birds too. And I’ve scared off enough human campers to know chicken is the Goddess’ gift to predators everywhere.

[stomach growls]

(groan)

I hope you’re happy. It’s going to be hard to fall back asleep when I’m this hungry.

*listener offers*

Oh, you’ve got food? Well, that changes everything! Here, why don’t I just hug you in my wings? One second though, I didn’t realize I had dressed up as a dodo when I left my nest today!

*listener questions*

Of course, I don’t believe you! Snakes are liars. And, you eat food whole. Why would you have leftovers?

*listener comments*

You were saving something for a rainy day? I’ll believe it when I see it.

*listener grabs*

Wait, are those… pizza bites?

*small pause*

You mugged a camper, didn’t you?

*listener states*

No, no disrespect. You just ought to know, if you harass the campers too much, the rangers will come and take you off to Goddess knows where. I’d be careful with that.

*small pause*

So what’s the deal here? I give you a hug, and you give me the pizza bites?

*listener demands*

I’d have to stay wrapped up with you all night?! That’s outrageous! That’s despicable! That’s-!

[stomach growls]

Alright, you’ve got a deal. But pizza bites first!

[box tears]

(comically loud munching)

*small pause*

(happy sigh)

That hits the spot. I don’t suppose I can convince you to renegotiate now that the food is gone?

[listener hisses]

Joking! Joking. I’m an owl of my word. I’ll even open my wings for you.

*small pause*
Come here.

[listener wraps]

Easy there! Not so tight!

*listener continues*

Hey! Don’t get handsy!

*listener finishes*

Okay. Are you done?

*listener confirms*

Good, I’ll just put my wings around you and…

[duo flops]

There. Happy?

*listener states*

Good. And you better not be planning any assassination attempts! If I’m not here to keep you warm, you’ll freeze!

*listener assures*

Yeah yeah. I’m sure. Now would you look somewhere else with those freaky snake eyes? It’s like you’re staring into my soul.

*listener states*

Don’t push your luck. You’re an acceptable pillow, so I’m tolerating this. But you need to remember, my wings aren’t pinned. I could fly straight out of here and roll around in the snow if you try anything.

*listener denies*

Oh? And why can’t I do that?

*listener states*

Like you?

(scoff)

I don’t like you.

*listener speaks*

{flustered}

No! My heart didn’t beat faster when you brought it up! Your dumb little lizard brain imagined that!

*listener teases*

Shut up! I’m going to sleep, and if you keep spying on my heartbeat, I’m going to strangle you!

*listener flirts*

Don’t say things like that! It’s not sexy! Stop talking!

*listener speaks*

If you say anything else, I’m flying above the tree line and dropping you.

*listener stares*

Don’t stare at me like that either! It’s like your talking but worse! Just… go to sleep!

*small pause*

Goodnight, lamia.