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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can trick this script with a more flirty equivalent of a trojan horse! Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Special Line Delivery

| | = Character Name

In The Moo-od

I can’t believe I got roped into this! You take one little assassination attempt on a noble, and the next thing you know, you’re dressed up as a slutty cow walking into a minotaur’s labyrinth!

*small pause*

I swear. When I make it out of here, Minos is going to pay for-!

*small pause*

Oh my gods. There it is. And it’s… eating something? Wow, that is not a pretty picture. Note to self, that’s our incentive for not pissing this thing off.

(exhale)

Okay, this will be easy! You’ve done the whole sleep n’ slay shtick plenty of times before. You got this. Just, think cow-y thoughts, and you’ll be fine.

(exhale)

Here goes nothing.

*small pause*

(clear throat)

{trailing off}

Hey there big bo…

Gir…

*small pause*

Ox? I heard that if I was looking to start a herd, you’re the best breeding stock around. What do you say you and me go, sample greener pastures?

*listener stares*

Oh, that’s not good. I didn’t consider you wouldn’t speak Greek. Um… you’re not Persian, are you?

*listener watches*

Okay, no response. I guess you um, don’t talk. That’s fine! I’ll just sell this, non-verbally!

*listener stares*

Yeah. You like what you see? You want a piece of this steak?

*small pause*

Gods above, I can’t believe I just said that.

*small pause*

Would you like it if I added some oo’s to my words? No, that’d be dumb, wouldn’t it?

*small pause*

You don’t really seem that interested. Maybe I’m missing something?

*small pause*

Ooh! Minos has been sending you virgins, hasn’t he? Maybe you’re into that! All these, experienced brothel cow vibes probably aren’t doing it for you! But… how am I going to act all dumb and new if I can’t talk to you?

*small pause*

Gods forgive me, this is going to be embarrassing.

[light thud]

Moo! I fell! I… Moo… I think I twisted my leg! I need a big… Moo… strong minotaur to help me!

*small pause*

I think this might actually be working! It’s getting closer!

*small pause*

Moo! I fell into such a… Moo… compromising position! All exposed and… Moo… vulnerable! If anyone wanted t’oo have their way with me… Moo… I could never stop them! Especially if they were a massive… Moo… hulking… moo’nster!

[cow bellows]

Oh! Okay, sorry! Not a monster! Not a monster! Just calm down! You’re… very charming! And tall. And you look very strong! Like you could… snap someone in half for trying to trick you.

(gulp)

But um… that’s not me!

(exhale)

Moo! I’m just a lost little calf. I need someone tough and… Moo… dominant to protect me.

*speaker crawls closer*

{close to speaker}

And I’d be glad to pay them back in… Moo… any way I can.

*small pause*

Is all this sultry tone and subtle gyration lost on you, or can you tell I’m supposed to be in heat?

*listener reacts*

Ooh! Your ear flopped! That means I’m doing something right! Maybe it was the soft-spoken thing?

(clear throat)

{close to speaker}

Do you like it, when I’m close, like this?

*small pause*

When I’m all pressed up against you? And y’oo’u could d’oo anything y’oo’u wanted t’oo me?

*small pause*

When y’oo’u breathe down my back like that… I feel so small. Helpless.

*small pause*

I just want t’oo grab ont’oo your horns and…

(yelp)

Okay! You’re picking me up! I might have laid it on a little too thick!

*small pause*
Hey, minotaur! Buddy, pal… gal? I still have no idea how your gender identity is working, but that’s not important! I think I messed up! I was hoping you’d mellow out, and I could stab you with the knife in my horn, but I don’t want to have to tire you out via… milking!

*small pause*

Please don’t do this! I mean… it’s not like I don’t like you! You’re buff and domineering which is kind of my type. But this is extreme! You’re like, ten cubits tall! And supposedly, you put the lust in bloodlust, so I definitely don’t want to volunteer myself to get smashed!

*small pause*

Oh gods. Smashed… There’s no way this little costume will stay on if you get rough. I guess the spots are painted on, but if my horns fall off, then you’d know something was up, wouldn’t you? You may be dumb, but I don’t think you’re stupid.

*small pause*

This was Minos’ plan all along, wasn’t it? Feed his pet problem, dispose of an assassin, and humiliate me in this weird costume! Gods, I hope he catches a plague!

*listener regrips*

Woah there handsy! There’s no need to-!

(yelp)

[bed compresses]

Oh gods. It threw me onto a makeshift bed. It’s over. I’m going to be a minotaur’s plaything.

*small pause*

Ancestors, please, look away. I don’t want this to be how I’m remembered! |Name|, the dashing rouge, slayer of King Thebes, who died in a labyrinth on a bovine’s bed!

*small pause*

And it’s getting closer. I’m dead. I just hope no one ever finds my body.

(wince)

*pause*

Wait. Nothing’s happening. Did I..?

*small pause*

You’re just… looking at me. I don’t…

*small pause*

Are you trying to hand me that piece of paper?

*listener extends*

{skimming over}

Hello, I am the Minotaur Of The Labyrinth Of Crete. Despite my size… not a monster… I can’t talk but I can listen… Greek, Persian, Latin, Hebrew, Egyptian… if you’re reading this… probably a sacrifice…

*no longer reading*

Wait, so you understood everything I’ve been saying? Like even the assassination parts?

*listener nods*

Ooh, that’s not good. For the record, none of this was personal. I just wanted to live- still want to live! So… I don’t suppose we can… let bygones be bygones?

*listener agrees*

Wait, was that a yes? As in, after all that embarrassing seduction for the express purpose of killing you, we’re just… good?

*listener nods*

I… I can’t say I expected that. Thank you? I suppose I can just… get out of your hair then! I’ll just start walking around until I find the way I came in! Unless you happen to know a way out?

*listener points*

Oh, another paper!

{skimming over}

This labyrinth was constructed by Daedalus… the entrance is ever-shifting…

*small pause*

None can escape once inside?!

*listener looks*

Wait, so I’m trapped here forever?

*listener nods*

Wait but, I can’t stay here! I have a life! And a very successful assassination business! I need to get back to it!

*listener shakes*

No! I can’t accept this! Surely someone has made it out of here!

*listener denies*

No? I… well if no one has ever left, where are they? Minos has been sending virgins in twice a year! If they can’t leave and you’re not killing them, there should be like, a small village around here somewhere!

*listener points*

Why are you pointing at the paper?

(groan)

I hate reading.

{skimming over}

This labyrinth is enchanted… made to erase its inhabitants… time works differently…

*small pause*

So… are you telling me, that thanks to some weird magic inventor guy, that time itself works differently in this labyrinth, and everyone who enters is living out their entire lives in the time it takes the outside world to go through like, six months?

*listener nods*

That’s insane. And even then, that wouldn’t disprove my statement that someone has left this place! Thanatos must be entering to bring death to the virgins, and their souls aren’t here, so they must have made it down to Hades! Sure, that would mean only gods and spirits have ever left, but if they could do it, maybe I could too!

*listener hands*

Oh, a small card. What’s this one have on it? I lied?

{reading}

They all try to escape?

*small pause*

Oh gods. If you’re still here then…

*small pause*

They wasted their whole lives trying to find a way out, didn’t they?

*listener nods*

But I… my gold… my life…

*small pause*

(sigh)

Do you have somewhere set up for the unfortunate souls that get put here with you?

*listener points*

Over there? I… I guess thanks for keeping a bed in shape for me. I assume there’s enough food and water in here to sustain us both?

*listener nods*

Yeah, makes sense for a prison to not directly kill its prisoners.

*small pause*

I… I’m sorry for everything that brought me here, Minotaur. In hindsight, you’ve been very kind for a half-human, half-cow, thingy.

*small pause*
I need some rest. I don’t know if I really believe you on the whole, there is no escape, thing, but I do know I’ll need to rest if I want any shot at leaving.

*small pause*

Goodnight, Minotaur. At least, I think it’s night. Either way. Thank you for not, you know, doing unspeakable things to me.