Part 1 Part 2

Context: You were walking home from your awful job when a familiar scenario occurred. A vampire decided to stalk you, but you'd seen that shit plenty of times, so you decided to have fun with the situation. Instead of having your blood drained, you're the one that's been draining him of every last speck of patience he has. Yet, he sticks around, and has for over three years now. It's been quite the experience.

Setting: A farmer's market

Tags: [M4A][Enemies to More][Tsundere Vampire Speaker][Unimpressed Listener][Comedy][Flirting][Kind of Memeing][Dorky][Oddly Wholesome][Date?][Confession][Wait, Are We...?][CW: Spicy Implications/Vance Tantrums]

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[Scene opens in a Farmer’s Market]

[SFX: General chatter]

[You meander about the market, pinkie finger linked with the pinkie finger of…]

“Eugh. Three years and they still can’t get in any good quality durian!”

[Pause]

“Mortal, please. Durian is delicious if prepared correctly, but noooo. You’re always all “Vance, all this food is weird”. YOU’RE the one that got all interested in my stories about traveling Asia, and you’re the one that encouraged me to “express my interests” and “open up a little”.”

[Pause]

“Oh, you’re cold… Yes, you are, I can feel you shaking! Because you’ve been dragging me around doing this…pinkie linking thing and, despite me being undead, you’re colder. Just take my damned jacket, alright?”

[Pause]

“No, YOU’RE based! Wait… is based good? Oh. Then I am VERY based!”

[Pause]

“Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome. Hm? Oh, you know what, some of that pork roast would be good for dinner tonight, yeah. Tabbit always loves the little extra bits. Good call, hone…eeeeeeeeeeeee…y…”

[He freezes, panicked]

“Eeeeeee….uhhh… w-what? No, I am not pulling a “that one Youtuber” meme, I-I, uh…”

[He looks down at your hands and blinks as though dazed]

“Are… are we dating…???”

[Pause]

“Well, yes, I know you moved into the manor, and I know we sleep in the same bed that we end up breaking during make-up s-... A-Ahem. What? Adopting a cat together isn’t a couple thing! Anyone can move into together and kiss and hug and… say I love you…”

[Pause…]

“...fuck.”

[Pause?]

“Uh… y-yeah, let’s… let’s dart into that cafe and we can…ugh…talk about our feelings.”

[The two of you push through the crowds and into a small cafe, grabbing seats and some coffee. Vance sits across from you, clearly troubled]

“I… wasn’t expecting this to ever happen… It’s not that I didn’t want it to, I just… You know I’m a vampire, especially given how much I, blurgh, ‘nibble’ on you. That means.. I’m going to live long past when you expire, and the thought of that happening…”

[Pause]

“Yeah, yeah, I know I said I’d dance on your grave. I still will, but it will be the saddest twerking the world has ever seen…”

[You rest your hand on his and, despite himself, he smiles a little]

“This is… scary. I’m… legitimately scared that, now that I know this, I’m going to do what I always do and ruin it. Just like the last Christmas party…”

[Pause]

“Hey. Listen. I might not be an Alpha vampire or whatever, but if someone tries to grope you, you’re damned well right I’m going to get my ass beat trying to stand up for you. I, uh, am just sorry that that gent was your boss and wasn’t trying to grope you… Yeah, yeah: “The Virgin Vance vs Chad Assistant Manager Steve”, ugh.” … Look, I…I have to ask… did you want this to happen?”

[Pause]

[He snorts]

“True, you did kiss me first. But to be fair, that was post drunken tantrum over a bad game, remember? I sarcastically tried to hug you and you grabbed me by the collar, grumbled “Fuck you, e-boy” and then kissed me?”

[Pause]

“Pfft, wow. “No regerts”, huh? Fucking nerd.”

[Pause]

“...I really hate that I’m in love with you. You made it impossible not to be. You’ve trolled me through over fifty co-op and multiplayer games, you made me do that ridiculous mission where you had to carry a fucking garden gnome all the way to the end - THANKS for lighting me on fire during the escape, by the way!”

[Pause]

[He sighs]

“You’re not wrong, I absolutely would have done the same. Hmph…”

[He glances away once more]

“You know… We could go traveling, you and I. I have the money, and I know you love being hard-headed about “not needing no man”, or whatever, but… the years you’ve given me have meant… everything. Even the other vampires dunking on me hardly mattered.”

[Pause]

“Pfft, sure. I absolutely am going to lure you into a Laotian jungle and yell “SURPRISE BITE!” and then turn you against your will. I’m going to do all of that, except a tiger will pounce on me before I can actually bite and lecture me on consent.”

[Pause…]

“...no, YOU’VE been watching too many old cartoons!”

[The two of you share a quiet laugh]

“Well… isn’t this sickeningly romantic?”

[Pause]

“You are not editing me into any more memes, especially not the button man one. Because I KNOW you’re going to put some shit like “Bottle up emotions” vs “Be an e-boy” and it’s going to make me laugh and then I’m going to be super mad about it!”

[Pause]

[He rolls his eyes]

“Don’t you “uwu” me, I will leave, and I drove us here. And if you start “Daddy Vance”ing me again, you’re going to have to answer for it in the bedroom.”

[You take his hand and kiss the back of it, doing your best knight impression:]

[Pause]

“Oh, and now I’m Princess Vance being saved by his noble knight, you know what? Maybe we should just get married, we have the dynamic down!”

[Pause]

“Yeah?”

[Pause]

“Huh… Well, alright then. And maybe you’ll become a vampire one day?”

[Pause]

“...cool.”

[You both sip your coffee in a comfortable silence for a bit as snow begins to fall outside]

“Hey, um… I love you. Baka.”

[Pause]

[He snorts]

“Yeah, I figured you’d appreciate that, you fucking weeb. I’m still not doing that cosplay. Why?! Because that man’s hair is taller than I am!”

[Pause]

“...I love you, too. C’mon, that pork roast does sound really good… Sooo, where do you want to go first once we start traveling, hm?”

[Pause]

[Vance shakes his head with a laugh, taking your hand again]

“I can live with that.”

[The End?]

Note: I have no clue if this is actually the finale or not :/ I kind of love these idiots, lol, but thanks to everyone that's followed along to watch Vance suffer <3