Context: You met your husband years ago at a charity drive. He wasn't exactly the standard gent, practically being a bear of a man, but he's always been a softie for you. So when you discovered he was a Mafia Don after the fact, it was a bit of a surprise. He spoils you rotten, though, and you get to network with other mafia "wives", do a bit of gossiping, and have as much fun as you want... in any fashion that you see fit.

Setting: Frank’s manor

Tags: [M4A][Established Friendship][Mafia Speaker][Mafia Listener][Husband Gossip][Lots of Lore/Name Drops][Wholesome?][Except the Ending][Cute][CW: Police Sirens/Gunfire]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects. If you would like to use this script for a paywalled recording please DM me first. Thank you :3

***

[Scene opens with the Listener standing before the massive doors of an elegant mansion]

[SFX: A fancy doorbell and a door opening]

[The door opens and the butler greets you before escorting you to the parlor]

“Peaches! Oh, come here, love, let me look at you…”

[Your oldest friend, Frank, hurries over and gives you a big hug, looking you over]

“Ooh… your boy has been treating you to some nice meals, it seems…? Hmhmhm, stop, no play punches! C’mon, you know how mafia men are - all gruff and overprotective and wanting to make sure we’re nice and plump so they have something to grab on to, hmhm.”
[Pause]

“Oh, honey, no, I cannot afford to be downing too many calories. I might be a mafia “wife” but I still have a man’s body that’s more like a solid rectangle. If you add any curves anywhere, I’m just gonna look silly!”

[The two of you sit together in the fancy parlor and are served drinks shortly]

[SFX: Drinks being poured]

[Pause?]

“You know, I think it might just be the two of us today, love. Daisy is on their honeymoon, Sunshine is helping Enric with physical therapy, Little One is, ah… indisposed, we’ll say, and Princessa is, from what I could make out over the phone and their man screaming in the background, in Tijuana, drunk off their ass while their hubby does donuts in an ATV.”

[Pause…]

[He chuckles, rolling his eyes]

“Never a dull day, is it, dear? So, Peaches… how’s the man?”

[Pause]

“Oooh, his birthday IS coming up! I’ll have to see if I can find another scandalous toy to send over. Maybe in pink this time.”

[Pause]

“Ha! Love it. Of course Adonis would get butthurt over things meant to hurt the bu-”.

[Pause]

[Frank giggles again]

“Oh, I know I shouldn’t antagonize sweet, massive Adi. I know. We are still technically rivals and all but c’moooon. I’ve held the man’s hair while he vomited up three-dollar nachos in a drag bar downtown.”

[Pause!]

“Hey, I texted you about going to that bar and you were asleep! I at least sent you the Enzo pics you asked for. That man… You know what, he AND his brother look real good in drag, not gonna lie. They both have that resting bitch face though, you know? “Ayy, Daisy, I’m flirting with you even though I look like I took a frown class and graduated top!”.”

[Pause]

“Bunny and Heartbreaker? Oh, their pilates class got moved, and they’ve never missed a session. No big deal. They have to stay limber to keep up with Antonio Silvestri, if my sources are correct, and they always are.”
[Pause]
“You know, I think my hubby and I’s anniversary is coming up, too.”

[Pause?]

“Psh, no, our wedding anniversary was two months ago. No, the anniversary of the day he took me for ransom, discovered I was the wrong person, argued with me for four hours straight, and then pinned me against the wall and kissed me. Ah, twu wuv~.”

[Pause]

“Aww, that’s right. You and Adi met at a charity drive! He showed up to run laps and you were handing out drinks in those little cups and he just kept on coming back, hyping himself up to talk to you, only to shakily grab his drink and sprint back off, hmhm. And… what were his first words to you…? Please, I need this laugh.” “

[Pause]

[Your friend cracks up to the point of tears]

“Haha, YES! The sports drinks were blue and purple, and that big beefcake knocked over the whole table trying to flirt. And as you both were staring down at this mess, this man, this absolute legend with his thick Italian accent, mumbles: “Fucking blue and purple”!”

[The two of you laugh for a good bit, sipping drinks and nibbling on hors-d'oeuvres while the gossip flows]

“Ohhh, goodness. It’s so hard not to like Adi. He scowls and grumbles but he’s so cuddly with his lil Peaches, hmhm. You married an Italian bear cosplaying as an attractive man, my friend.”

[You shrug. You can live with that]

“I always love how he grumbles and rumbles when you want to get something at a shop, but lets you get it anyway and then lights up at seeing you all happy. Ooh, speaking of, I didn’t see him with you, is he coming?”

[Pause]

“Ohh, he agreed to play golf with my hubby on our private course. Ugh, I don’t get golf, you know? It just seems so boring. Now wrestling, on the other hand…”

[Pause]

“Darling, are you implying that I’m such a stereotype that I watch wrestling for anything other than the storylines?”

[Pause]

“Ohhh, we’re both thirsty stereotypes, I see, I see. That’s fair enough, I think.”

[Frank takes a sip of his drink, pausing as you hear sirens outside]

[SFX: Police cars rolling up to crash the party]

“Ugh… police?”

[Pause]

[The two of you exchange looks, shrug, and grab the weapons hidden under the delicate, antique seats]

“Bother. Figures the fuzz would show up while we were trying to relax. Well, let’s see… ooh, twenty this time! They’re getting smart. Be a love and hand me some of those molotovs, hm?”

[SFX: A window opening]

“Have a drink on us, PIGS!”

[SFX: An explosion and fire spreading]

“Ah, look at ‘em. C’mon, Peaches, let’s light ‘em up!”

[SFX: Automatic gunfire and more general chaos]

“Hmm? Oh, the mounted turret gun is new, yes. Do you like it? Heehee, yes, I am the one that insisted on putting a heart sticker on it. After all, Daddy loves all of his babies.”

[Pause]

[SFX: More gunfire and returning fire]

“Woop, watch your head! Let’s see… knowing our boys, they’re barreling this way with a small army and they’ll be even madder if they see someone trying to attack their wives! Way I see it, we’re doing these poor bastards a favor taking them out before Adi runs out here and starts crushing heads!”

[SFX: More gunfire and chaos]

“Ahhh, I do love our get-togethers, Peaches, I really do~. Oops, that one on the left is still twitching. Give me another molotov, won’t you?”

[To be continued?]

Note: I don’t even know, I’m memeing at this point~