Context: You're a hero, you guess. A villain named Psychovolt has decided to launch his robot army against the White House, and the guy that normally handles this nonsense is out sick. Looks like it's up to you.

Setting: A football stadium - Washington D.C.

Tags: [M4A][Villain Speaker][Hero Listener][Comedy][Tropes][Confession][Did We Just Become Best Friends?][Yep!][Meeting Your Idol][Wholesome?][Flirting?][CW: Robot Violence]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects. If you would like to use this script for a paywalled recording please DM me first. Thank you :3

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Originally commissioned for my wonderful partner, Sam <3

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[Scene opens in a football stadium overrun with robots]

[SFX: Mass robots gribbling about]

[You float on over to the stadium and perch on one of the bleachers, watching the chaos unfold beneath. Thousands of robots are poised to take down any remaining forces while their villainous master laughs from the other side]

“HAHAHAHA! YES! Slaughter everyone, my robot army!”

[Pause]

[The Villain squints across the football field at you and his voice booms over the intercom:]

“And who do you think you are, hm? I was expecting Captain Courageous!”

[Pause]

“Oh, out sick? Poor man, I hope he’s not come down with food poisoning again. I keep telling him “Don’t go to that hole-in-the-wall pho shop, you always get sick”, but he just insists that it’s worth it!”

[Pause]

“It is good pho, though, true. A-Ahem! Alright, Hero! It doesn’t matter to me! I, the villainous Psychovolt, am here to overthrow the government by sending my robot army to decimate your human one!”

[Pause…]
“HA! I, Psychovolt, will not hear your pleas for mercy, even if they are delivered in the form of insults! I do not know why they would send in such an unfun rookie, but that will not stop my plans! Within the hour, I shall be sat within that glorious oval office, commandeering the free world as we know it! All will bow before me! All will rue the day they mocked me and my struggles against the evils of corporate America!”

[Pause…]
“We’ve already nearly taken the White House, Hero, so you only have so long before-!”

[SFX: Sad robot noises]

[You throw your arm out to the left as if you were swiping at a fly, and almost all of the robot army is crushed]

“A-Ah… aha… w-well! Y-You, um, seem to have crushed the majority of my army in one motion. That’s…new. Usually takes Courageous a few hours to make a dent. What Class are you, Hero?”

[Pause]

[The Villain exhales in a long, concerned wheeze]

“Class…7. Two classes below an apocalyptic entity. WELL! HAHA! The Quandry must be getting a little fed up with me, hm? Ennnh, I don’t suppose you have a soft spot for dashing rogues? Misunderstood, tortured villains just trying to do what they think is best? Maybe a little broken?”

[Pause]

[Even at a distance, you can see his face twist in confusion]

“You only like guys that whisper right in your ear? What?”

[Pause]

“...shit. I didn’t even get to finish my villainous speech…”

[Pause]

“I have until you reach my side of the stadium? Oh shit-! Uh, uhh, the time of reckoning has come for humanity, machines are superior, corporations suck, uh uh, OK, hang on, Hero, we can talk about this, right-?!”

[SFX: More sad robot noises]

“Oh, c’mon! This is absurd! No other hero has come here able to fold metal like they’re making fresh fucking pasta! God, that was what, two minutes? BOLOGNA! If you’re so powerful, then why don’t they just ALWAYS send you, hm?! This shit never happens to Lord Nightmare, I swear… All he ever got was a slap on the ass, but nooooo, I get the juggernaut! This is unfair!”

[Pause]

“Shut up, I know I’m a villain and shouldn’t care about fairness! Aww… My poor roboboys… There was a dedication to them in my speech… The speech I’m NEVER going to be able to finish thanks to you, little Deus Ex Machina over here! This is malarkey! This is… silly! This is…BEANS! It’s BEANS, and YOU’RE BEANS! I hope you scratch your knuckles when you punch my head off, you…BEAN!”

[Pause?]

“Huh? How much more do I have left?”

[He hurriedly flips through the pages and gives a sheepish smile]

“Uh… five pages?”

[You roll your eyes but gesture for him to continue]

“Thanks, Hero, appreciate the, ah… control you are exerting in not taking my head off.”

[Pause]

“Oh, you like my voice? Thank you! I actually do ASMR readings in my spare time.”

[...?]

“Yeah! That’s my channel! Wait, are you a fan?”

[Pause!]

“That’s so sweet! Oh my goodness, I’ve never met a real fan before! Come, come, sit with me, c’mon!”

[You float over and plop down. The Villain hops down next to you, grinning excitedly]

“It’s so pleasant to meet a real fan! Man… gotta tell you, I was getting so discouraged these last few months. The algorithm really hasn’t been on my side…”

[You put your hand on his and encourage him]

“Yeah? You really think I’m that talented? Aww… Hero, you’re a real one, you know what? I mean, I thought you were cool already for wiping out all of my robot army in two minutes, but this is amazing…”

[Pause]

“Huh? Oh, haha, no, I’m still gonna do crime. Gotta pay the bills, you know?”

[You shrug. It is understandable]

“Buuuut… maybe I could be a little more…considerate next time I try and collapse the government, I could be a little more considerate?”

[Pause]

[He smiles, cheeks flushed]

“Thanks, Hero. Do you still need to beat me up a little or can I punch myself a few times?”

[You punch the bleacher next to you and it dents in so hard that that particular section of seating almost collapses]

[SFX: Bleacher punching]

“Ah. Right. Super strength, a-ahem, goodness you’re scary. I’ll uh, just start punching myself and you can slap the cuffs on, then I escape?”

[Pause]

“Oohhohoho, really? You want to meet up for some burgers later? Alright… I reckon I can get in a third escape this evening for my biggest fan. Your treat?”

[You give him a thumbs up and he giggles excitedly]

“I’ll see you, then! Now, uh, I’m going to need some privacy for this, I don’t want you seeing my baby punches.”

[You float off while he starts beating himself up, thinking of all the things you plan on asking him later]

[The End?]

Note: My partner commissioned this so only he gets say on if it gets a sequel or not :P