[Friendly] Can I just get water to start off? Thank you.

[Pause]

This place is nice. I like what they did with the lights, and I’m not sure what that family next to us ordered, but we might have to find out. [sniffs] It smells divine.

Happy anniversary, baby. Five years. I can’t believe it.

[Amused] I really can’t. Not gonna lie, when we first started dating, I figured you were going to end up dead or in prison by now. But hey, we made it! Wanna splash out on one of the pricier wines or — [Annoyed] I’m sorry, is that a gun?

We’ve talked about this. No weaponry on dates.

[Pause]

Look, it’s sweet that you’re ready to defend my honor at the drop of the hat, but I think we can make it through one night out. Besides, we both know you can function perfectly well with improvised weapons.

Honestly, where did you even find that thing? [Very short pause] No, don’t tell me. I refuse to be the accessory to another murder. And yes, I know I’m not obligated to testify against you in court, but don’t try me. I might just volunteer.

Put the gun in my purse, will you? I’m taking it to the car.

[FX: Footsteps, car beep, car door, footsteps]

[Annoyed] I’m sorry, are you threatening the waiter? [Sigh. Commanding] Put down the soup spoon.

[Toward the waiter] Don’t worry about them. They thinks they’re a comedian. They’re just joking.

[Annoyed, directed toward the Yandere] You’re joking.

[Forced friendliness, talking to waiter] It’s a joke. You got our wine order? Great.

[Talking to Yandere] Don’t you start.

[Pause]

I don’t care if he was smiling at me. He’s paid to smile at me. There is no threat here.

[Pause]

Just for that, I’m getting the lobster.

[Pause]

Yes, I’ll let you order for me.

[Polite to waiter] Excuse me. We’’re ready to order.

[Pause]

[Teasing] There you go. Big provider. You sure showed him.

[Pause]

So what if people are looking at me? They can’t have me, and the only person I’m looking at is you. Because you [slight disgust] own me…or something. Does that make your weird predator brain feel better?

[Pause]

Sure. Anytime.

Well, maybe not anytime. You really need to stop waking me up in the middle of the night.

[Some jostling sounds]

Relax. She bumped my chair. It was an accident.

[Pause]

[Commanding] Stay in your seat. [Irritated sigh] The only thing I asked you for this anniversary was one nice dinner. No blood. No getting kicked out before our entrees arrive. Just a calm, normal meal at a decent restaurant.

[Pause]

No, I don’t want you to carve my initials into your skin. That’s what you got me for my birthday, and I didn’t want it then, either. Honestly, what’s wrong with flowers?

[Pause]

Please, everything dies. And that’s hardly an excuse. Do you remember that time you gave me my highschool bully’s head in a box like you were a cat dragging home its kill? And don’t even get me started on what happened to the cat.

[Pause]

Just because I’ve accepted your apology doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the situation entirely.

How about getting me diamonds?

[Pause]

Oh, now you’ve grown a conscience?

[Pause]

Yes, lab-grown is fine. They’re more perfect anyway, aren’t they?

[Pause]

Ah! There’s our dinner. It looks good.

[Cutlery sounds]

[Flirtatious] Come on, Crazy Eyes, focus on me and not the oh-so-dangerous teenager filling the water glasses. [Sigh] If you can’t handle tonight, how the hell are we going to make it through Thanksgiving at my sister’s?

[Pause]

I know she’s a bitch. I’m a bitch. You’re a sociopath. I don’t think any of us is in a position to judge…except for the actual judge when you finally get caught. [Makes a little knock-knock gavel sound][Teasing] Guilty.

[Pause]

Do you want dessert?

[Pause]

Do you really want to dessert? It was cute the first time you offered to split and ended up giving me the whole thing, but my waistline wasn’t so grateful. [Teasing] I’m expecting you to eat at least half of this cake. Got it?

[Pause]

[Warm] Thank you, darling.

[Pause]

Yes, I’m having a good time, and no, letting the waiter live does not count as a tip.