Google Docs ~ ScriptBin

All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can make this script a wonderful dinner, then confess your love to it. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

/ = Gendered Split

Cooking For Love

[door opens]

Hey! Thanks for coming!

*listener responds*

It’s been too long since we ate something! Really! Come in!

[door closes]

How’s work?

*listener comments*

Sounds fun! Did you get that bonus yet?

*listener denies*

Ugh, they passed you over again? I’m telling you, you shouldn’t stand for that! If they don’t see how great you are, they don’t deserve you.

*listener comments*

Really! You’re so bright. You’re great at everything you set your hand to. They are squandering your talents.

*listener speaks*

You know, the offer is always on the table. You say the word, I’ll get you in one of my restaurants. Server, cook, manager, we’ll find something for you.

*listener objects*

I’m serious! How long have we known each other?

*listener answers*

Right, and every day you’ve amazed me. We’re best friends for a reason! You’re smart, funny, talented, and you’ve got that face that screams, hire me, I’m attractive!

*listener denies*

I mean it. You are a catch. We have got to get this terrible self-esteem out of you. You are better than that.

*listener speaks*

Fine, twist my arm. I swear, if you weren’t so affable, I wouldn’t let you get away with bashing yourself like that.

*listener responds*

Yeah, yeah. Enough. I’m almost done plating dinner. I’m trying out a new recipe.

*listener questions*

Yep, one of my hybrid dishes! It’s Italian cuisine with a magical fusion and an alchemical twist.

*listener asks*

It’s going to be for a line of mood dishes. PR already has some stupid name in the works. But it’s basically warm and snuggly breakfasts, energizing lunches, and the crowning achievement auto-romantic dinners. I haven’t worked out all the kinks with love food though, so we’ll be dining on platonic friendship lasagna.

*listener questions*

It’s totally safe! You know me, I basically invented this whole field of culinary art! I can bake a lasagna that makes you feel a little bit warm and fuzzy inside.

*listener reminds*

You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?

*listener comments*

Well for the umpteenth time, the cake was designed to explode! It’s not my fault everyone at your party got all spooked!

*listener teases*

Oh yeah? Well then, Oh Flawless One, why don’t you tell me about my eighteenth birthday party?

*listener admits*

That’s right! And um… who was it who nearly smashed my clavicle?

*listener laments*

Uh-huh. So… what was your point exactly?

*listener drops*

That’s what I thought! Now, go sit down. We’ll eat and then I’ve got plenty of horror movies queued up.

*pause*

[plates tap table]

Lasagna Of Love, Hold The Love. Bon Appetit!

[very optional eating sounds]

I smuggled a bottle of wine out of my Vegas location a while back. Nineteen-Nineteen. I thought we could break into it, and watch some of those terrible horror movies.

*listener asks*

Yeah, all the knock-off ones. Nightmare On Birch Street, The Blaring Witch Project, Eighty-Two Days Later, I’ve got a bunch!

*small pause*

How’s the food?

*listener speaks*

No, don’t do that! Tear me to shreds! This is the experimental phase, so I need you to be honest.

*listener objects*

Here, I’ll go first. My red sauce is runny, the edges are a little too crispy, although, I blame that on my oven, and I think you can taste the Diamond Dust a touch too much.

*listener comments*

You are too nice. Please, I’m asking you to insult the food! You can’t find one thing I did poorly?

*listener denies*

Fine, how about the love feeling? It’s toned way down, but I still left the base ingredients in to see how they’d react to baking. So you should feel something!

*listener disagrees*

Nothing? Nothing at all. No out-of-character feelings?

*listener confirms*

You’re hopeless, you know that?

*listener questions*

Yeah, I think you may be a murderer or something. You are way too nice.

*listener comments*Yes, you are! Since I met you, you’ve been the kindest, most caring, cutest, most generous person I’ve ever met.

*listener speaks*

It’s not even a competition! You blow everyone else out of the water! You’re like sugar and bunnies melded together and went to college. It’s actually scary how great you are.

[background eating stops]

All done?

*listener confirms*

Head over to the couch and get the blankets warm for me. I’ll be right over.

*pause*

Scooch over, I’m coming in!

[blankets rustle]

There. Can you reach the wine?

*listener confirms*

Great! What do you want to watch first?

*listener stares*

Hey, Earth To Cutie-Pie. What do you want to watch?

*listener questions*Yeah, Cutie-Pie. Because we’re friends, and I bake food, and you’re cute. I thought it was clever, what about it?

*listener states*

I think I’ve said it before. Why, do you care?

*listener denies*Well then, Cutie-Pie, what do you want to watch?

*listener states*

Sounds fantastic. You’re the one with the remote, start it!

[T.V. clicks]

*pause*

Hey, can you snuggle up a bit closer?

*listener asks*

Why? What do you mean? Because I’m cold and you’re warm. Because we’re about to watch a scary movie. Because I love the feeling of your arms around me. Take your pick.

*listener questions*

Yeah, I love it when you hold me. And I love hugging you. And when you had to sleep on my thighs after the old dorm flooded, I thought my heart was going to explode! I love being close to you.

*listener speaks*

Hey, is something wrong? You’re acting kinda weird.

*listener reverses*

Me? No, you’re the one being weird. I’m just trying to catch up with my favorite Cutie-Pie. You’re the one who seems afraid to touch me.

*listener comments*

I am always this hands-on! It’s you! Of course, I want to get my hands on you, anyone would!

*listener questions*

What are you talking about? You’re hot, and nerdy but like, the fun kind, and you’re always a shoulder to lean on. You are like candy to the average human, and I want my turn with you.

*listener states*

Ah, there’s that terrible ego again! You are desirable. Everyone wants a piece of you, I promise you that.

*listener denies*

Please, the only reason you don’t have people falling all over you, is because I ward them off.

*listener questions*

Whoops, did I say that bit out loud? Note to self, an active ingredient in the love lasagna mixes a little too well with alcohol.

*listener repeats*

No, um… when I said ward people off, I just meant that I… uh…

*small pause*

God, years of hiding feelings and I fumble it over lasagna. Crazy right?

*listener insists*

Really? You’re not going to let me out of this one?

*listener denies*Fine, snuggle me close then.

*listener questions*

Snuggle me close! If you want me to spill my darkest secrets, you are going to comfort me too.

*listener hugs*

That’s better. Now, full disclosure, here we go. You know the dishes I make? The magic ones, not the normal ones.

*listener confirms*

Yeah, they’ve been taking a little bit of a toll. I am usually my own subject number one, and that has not been easy. What with the latest line of creations and all.

*listener questions*

Yeah, turns out that if you make someone energetic, fuzzy, and then extra lovey-dovey, it kind of messes with them. And um… well here’s the big kicker. I’ve had a crush on you since college.

*listener asks*

Yep! All those side glances? That was love. Or, lust, really. I just… well you’re so sweet, and you really are hot, and getting you to explain your hobbies to me is just so fun and… yeah. Love.

*listener questions*

So what did I mean about scaring people off? Well, I uh…

*small pause*

Tell you what. I want a question answered first.

*listener asks*

Yep, one easy question, and then I’ll tell you what I did.

*listener agrees*

Great. So, I’ve been doing some math in my head. And if my tastebuds are right, you had an effective dose of Dragon’s Hoard, Diamond Dust, and Rose Blood. Oh, I should mention, the active ingredients in the lasagna? Not as toned down as I might have led you to believe. A small part of me was maybe… kinda… using this as an opportunity to wring a confession out of you.

*listener begins*

Yes, I’m terrible and dastardly and just no good. That’s not important right now. What is important is we had the same lasagna. The love kickstart that got me to confess should be just as strong in you. But when I asked about any odd feelings, you didn’t have anything to report. Which means either, you’re a heartless psychopath, unlikely, your hugs are way too good, or… you lied.

*small pause*

So, riddle me this, Cutie-Pie. Why would an entirely platonic, never had feelings for me friend, be so good at suppressing their love for me?

*listener questions*

Yep, it’s kind of a long shot, but I think I know the answer. And if you don’t tell me, then you’ll never know what I meant by, “ward them off”!

*listener begins*

I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

*listener states*

Yes, you didn’t say anything, but I can see it in your eyes! You let the visage slip for a second! You, love, me.

*listener denies*

Don’t deny it! If you deny it, I won’t tell you about what happened to them! Maybe I murdered them or something? Don’t you want to know if you’re snuggling a murderer?

*listener asks*

Ah, ah! Answers first! Do you love me?

*listener folds*

(sounds of excitement)

I knew it! Come here!

*listener watches*

Yes, this is my victory hug! Years of friendship, followed by years of pining, and it’s all paying off tonight! I love you, you love me, and we are snuggling, alone, with a cabinet full of magic potions. We are going to have an amazing night tonight.

*listener asks*

Oh, you still care about that? Well, I’m not a murderer, if that’s what you’re worried about. Most of the time, I just told anyone you were taken. But a couple of times, I did go a little crazy.

*listener questions*

Well, there was that one girl/guy. From a bar. I may have… a little… filled her/his car with Jell-O.

*listener asks*

Yeah, it sounds harmless, but trust me. There is a circle of hell that is solid Jell-O. It’s much harder to get out than you may think.

*listener questions*

Yeah, that was basically the worst thing. Well, I guess there was that one kid in high school. The jock? The one who bullied you for a while, but then caught feels? The one who went to urgent care for food poisoning? Got her/his stomach pumped, almost died, yadda-yadda. That was me. But that was way before I was dabbling with love magic, so I guess that protective instinct was just inside me all along.

*small pause*

Now, if you’ve satisfied your curiosity, then I would like to head to the bedroom. We have years of catching up to do, and I intend to make a dent in it.

*listener stands*

Ah, eager. I guess the lasagna is doing its job! Well then, after you, Cutie-Pie.