Google Docs ScriptBin

All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can let it film you while you practice Necromancy. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

This script along with 5 others are all being posted while I'm on the road. As such, they won't be listed in my Master List, or publicly in my ScriptBin until I return. I don't imagine that matters much to anyone, but if you noticed this discrepancy, that's why.

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Artificial Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

~ ~ = Special Emphasis

{ } = Line Delivery

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Hello Skeptics and Non-Believers! Tonight on Magic Maguffins, we are going to interview a self-proclaimed, ~Realm-Walker~. It’s the pretty typical stuff. Talk to the dead, Tell your fortune, boost your luck, you know, the usual stuff. Place your bets down in the comments, will we see proof of the supernatural, or will the lack of evidence be, ~otherworldly~?

*small pause*

Alright. Without further ado let’s head into…

*small pause*

{reading}

The House Of Tranquility.

*small pause*

The name seems a little weird but, what isn’t with these people?

[small bell chimes]

Hello? I was told you could help me?

*listener responds*

Yes, I’m |name| of Magic Maguffins. Have you seen my show?

*listener denies*

No? Well, I suppose that fits your prerogative.

*small pause*

So, I can drop any acts about this. You know I go to “magical people” and reveal them as the frauds they are. Are you confident enough in your tricks to show them to me, on camera?

*listener responds*

Not tricks, huh? I suppose that means you’ll accept my scrutiny?

*listener responds*

For a price? Classic hack, aren’t you? How much?

*listener lists*

Tell you what. Here’s a thousand. Why don’t you send me through the wringer? Pull out all the stops?

*listener agrees*

Mind if I put my camera over here?

*listener allows*

Great.

*small pause*

Okay, here we go. What’s coming first?

*listener offers*

Sit? Of course. Mind if I inspect the table for any tools?

*listener allows*

Yes? Wow, most psychics don’t allow you to peek under the hood.

*small pause*

Yep, I’m not seeing any plants under here. Is it internal?

*listener denies*

No tricks, huh? Well, if you say so.

*small pause*

Alright. You got your candlelight, your crystal ball, and the EMF speakers under the hat, right?

*listener denies*

May I see the hat, then?

*listener shows*

Empty. And too light to be sown in. You’re a strange one, that’s for sure.

*small pause*

Mind if I keep the hat? Until the end of our session?

*listener allows*

Great. Well, I think my preliminary check is done, why don’t you start?

*listener offers*

Mind reading? That’s a fun one, although, not very lucrative. What happened to contacting spirits from beyond the grave?

*listener states*

All the family members I know are still alive? I see you’ve done your research on me. Okay, read my mind.

*small pause*

[magic sfx]

Ooh, spooky magic sound. Does that mean you’re in my head?

*listener confirms*

Okay, what flavor of pie am I thinking about?

{thinking}

Three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine…

*listener states*

Yeah, that’s right. Lucky guess.

{thinking}

Have I used that one on camera before?

*small pause*

Alright, how about a spell? Something with the candles maybe? I imagine they’re all trick ones, right?

*listener denies*

Well, I’m sure you can do something flashy then. Why don’t your turn them all pink?

[fire sfx]

Green?

[fire sfx]

Turn the left ones red and the right ones blue.

[fire sfx]

Wow, that’s really cool. Is the remote in your shoe or something?

*listener assures*

Yeah yeah, no tricks. I’d ask you to prove it, but I don’t want you to start stripping for the camera. This isn’t that kind of show.

*small pause*

Let’s drop the easy tricks. You may be passing with some flying colors, but that’s probably because I’m staying on script. Why don’t we do something I’ve never done on this show before? That way you can’t have possibly prepared for it?

*listener agrees*

Alright. Step one can be deciding. If you’re so clairvoyant, shouldn’t you just be able to pick something I’ve never done before?

*listener thinks*

Do I have you stumped?

*listener disagrees*

Oh, well then. Focus away. I’ll be quiet.

[large magic sfx]

Big show, but I don’t see anything different.

*listener comments*

Out-of-body-experience? What do you mean? I…

*small pause*

Oh my god. That’s me. How are you… I…

*small pause*

Did you drug me?

*listener disagrees*

Obviously, you did! Hallucinogens in the air, maybe? No, you don’t seem to be affected…

*listener offers*

It’s not magic. Magic isn’t real. And I have the thousands of hours of footage to prove it.

*listener questions*

Just because I can’t explain what’s happening, doesn’t mean magic is real. I’m just human. There are plenty of things you can do to trick a human. You just know something I don’t.

*listener questions*

Yep! Even seeing this, I’m a non-believer. This isn’t real. This isn’t science. When you come back to me with a method. With a process that can be explained and documented. Then, I’ll believe.

*listener asks*

Come with you? Wait, but my body is still in the chair!

*listener comments*

Safer that way? I don’t know if I like the sound of that.

*listener reiterates*

Yes, if you actually have learnable evidence of magic, I do want to see it. But if I’m actually out of body, then I need you to carry my camera.

[magic sfx]

Hey! Careful floating my camera around! I don’t know what strings you got on it, but it’s expensive! If you drop it, I’ll expect you to compensate me for repairs!

*listener assures*

Yeah, yeah, just be careful! Now, are we headed to a back room or..?

*listener states*

A portal, huh? Alright, I’ll bite.

[magic sfx]

Wow, it certainly looks like a portal. It even does that shimmery thing. But where could you have set up a projector?

*listener states*

I told you. Until you show me peer-reviewed, recreate-able magic. I’m not believing it. If portals work why don’t you patent them? Why don’t you start a school? This is so clearly a hoax!

*listener demands*

Fine, ~realm-walker~. I’ll step inside.

[magic sfx]

Huh, this room seems bigger than it should be. If I went looking for city building records, would I find this spare extension?

*listener explains*

Uh-huh. Pocket to a nest dimension. Nope, I believe you. That makes perfect sense. Why wouldn’t there be a place with cottage core aesthetics, functioning electricity, and purple skies?

*listener speaks*

{mockingly}

Ooh, a book! Did it belong to Merlin?

*listener prompts*

Sure, I’ll read it. Are you sure it’s not written in Latin or something?

*listener clarifies*

You wrote it? Okay, glad to see we’re admitting to the lie.

[pages flip]

{mumbling}

Tome of fire walking… Water Spawn, Six Gallons… Minor Invisibilty… Slightly Louder Clapping..?

*small pause*

Is this supposed to be a spellbook?

*listener confirms*

So, what? Do the spells only work for you or something?

*listener clarifies*

Only works on the magically infused? Convenient, isn’t it?

*listener questions*

Well, I can do it but you can’t is one of the easiest, weakest defenses of all time. But if that’s what you want to go with, cool.

*listener states*

Oh, I ~can~ do the magic? What, am I magically infused to?

*listener states*

The realm is magic. Cool, just, make up whatever lore you want to.

*listener offers*

Sure, I’ll try it. But when this doesn’t work, I’ll want a close-up shot of you explaining how all your tricks work, and admitting that magic is fake.

*listener agrees*

Really? You agree? Well then, I won’t be using this book.

*listener questions*

‘Cause it’s probably rigged, that’s why! I bet you have water storage in the ceiling and mirrors that don’t work right. If I’m going to do magic, it’s going to be something you can’t prepare for, to ensure that nothing is being influenced!

*speaker thinks*

How about a horse? I didn’t see that anywhere in your book. Teach me how to spawn a horse, and I’ll resign to you that magic is real, and I was wrong.

*small pause*

Okay, hands out. Do I have to say some special words?

*listener states*

Beginners do? Wow, you’re really rolling with this, aren’t you? Fine, explain everything.

*listener lists*

Okay, hand positions, magic words, open stance, then blink. Seems like a weird laundry list, but I’ll humor you.

(deep breath)

Ruwq, Tuyio, wait no. Ruwq, Tuvio, Jurrikl, Hwfght!

[thump]

*pause*

Where were you keeping a dead horse?

*listener states*

One, Magic isn’t real, I didn’t spawn a dead horse. Two, I think it was pretty obvious that I wanted a living horse.

*listener clarifies*

Life magic is too hard for a beginner, huh? But spawning a corpse was easy enough for a first spell?

*listener asks*

Check the horse's pulse? It’s dead. There won’t be a pulse.

*listener insists*

Fine.

*small pause*

There. Dead and cold. Why did you make me do this?

[magic sfx]

[horse whinnies]

Oh my god. Did you just bring that horse back from the dead?

*listener confirms*

Hold on. Are you telling me you can revive the actual dead, and you don’t do that more often? That could be the most lucrative business on Earth! Why wouldn’t you?

*listener states*

It’s not about the money? Really? You’re whole magic scam isn’t for money?

*listener responds*

Fine, I did say I’d admit magic was real if you taught me to make a horse. I’m sorry for calling it a scam. But I’m still missing a few too many pieces to start believing.

*listener agrees*

You know? I don’t get it.

[magic sfx]

Woah! I’m back in my body! That’s… Was that a dream?

*listener disagrees*

Well of course you’d say it wasn’t. You probably drugged me and then knocked me out!

*listener states*

My camera? You... moved it?

*listener asks*

Look at the footage? I don’t…

*small pause*

Wait. This isn’t right. This footage is of me debunking you. And pretty sloppily I might add. You can literally see the strings in the footage.

*listener agrees*

But that isn’t what happened! I’m not even saying the right words! This is doctored footage.

*listener agrees*

How long was I out?

*listener answers*

Wait, there’s no way you doctored the footage in a few minutes. Did you have this pre-recorded?

*listener states*

It was magic? I… That doesn’t make any sense. Why would you hide this?

*listener answers*

The world can’t know? I don’t get it. Why tell me? Why even let me inside?

*listener responds*

I’m special? Really? What, are you trying to take me on as an apprentice or something?

*listener smirks*

Oh my god, you do! You’re crazy. Magic isn’t real!

*listener states*

Yeah, I said I wouldn’t say that. But I said that in a dream, so it doesn’t count!

*listener disagrees*

Not a dream? I… I don’t believe you!

*listener agrees*

You didn’t expect me to? Well then, why do all of this?

*listener explains*

You’re wrong. I don’t care. I’ll post this footage and move on. If I walk out that door, you’ll never see me again.

*listener bets*

I am sure! Don’t smirk at me like that either! It’s weird! All of this is weird! I’m leaving!

*listener bids farewell*

I won’t be back! You haven’t done anything!

[small bell chimes]