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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can give this script an "honest" tip. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

This script along with 5 others are all being posted while I'm on the road. As such, they won't be listed in my Master List, or publicly in my ScriptBin until I return. I don't imagine that matters much to anyone, but if you noticed this discrepancy, that's why.

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

| | = Name

~ ~ = Emphasis

Taking A Statement

And hello again to the lovely detective! Couldn’t get enough of me, huh?

*listener speaks*

Oh, don’t deny it, sweetie! Look at me. Fit, rich, dangerous. I’m like catnip to someone like you.

*listener disagrees*

{slowly}

Really? So if I… pulled down my shirt… just a little... you wouldn’t..?

*listener speaks*

Ah, there’s my favorite color! Blush red. You know, you say the word and we can get out of here. And I promise I can make you do a lot more than blush.

*listener restates*

Fine, you’re right. I did come to give a statement. But I’m not going to pause my passes just because you’re recording me.

*listener agrees*

Hey, cutie. One more thing before you start the tape. I’ve got the best lawyers, and even better… ~butchers~. If you use any of this against me, I promise, none of the charges will stick, and plenty of sharp things will stick in you. Do I make myself clear?

*listener confirms*

Smart and beautiful. You’re the whole package, sweetheart.

*pause*

Alright, is this thing on?

*listener confirms*

Right. I am |Mafia Boss Name|. I run a group of organized corporations, that have been alleged to be a criminal ring. Some people have affectionately labeled me as a mob boss. My company does work across the east side of the river. My main rival, |Rival Boss Name| operates in the west.

*small pause*

Now, for our companies’ sake, we’ve agreed to stay in our own camps. We keep to our side of the river.

*small pause*

One of my closest friends was strolling home one day, and they stumbled upon a crime in progress. They understood that they had witnessed a drug deal, and recognized the dealer. A kid that works for |Rival Boss Name|.

*small pause*

Now, this kid is barely eighteen. So my friend didn’t want to ruin his life by turning him in. So, he did the smart thing and came to me.

*small pause*

{pick-up attempt}

You know detective, you could ~come~ to me, any time.

*listener objects*

Right, strictly professional.

(clear throat)

My buddy comes to me, and tells me what he saw. I’ve got a couple of contacts with private investigators, so I ring up one of them to dig up some dirt. Figure out who sold this kid any sort of weight.

*listener questions*

Why I know a private investigator is irrelevant, detective. And I don’t have to answer that question. I’m not under arrest, I’m simply giving a tip to my local police station.

*listener allows*

As I was saying, I send the investigator to look into it. He finds that the kid got the weight from |Rival Boss Name|. Turns out, in addition to the completely legal business we both compete in, |Rival Boss Name| has been running a side hustle. He’s been sending runners to deliver a new cocaine mix to my side of the river.

*listener questions*

Supposedly, it’s really good stuff. |Rival Boss Name| contracted some M.I.T. chick. She’s got a master's in chemistry and a couple of minors in biology. She’s cracked some formula that’s twice as addictive with nasty withdrawal symptoms.

*small pause*

Now, |Rival Boss Name| is flooding low-income communities with the stuff. I happen to open a large number of jobs to those who are underprivileged, and I’d hate to see them get taken advantage of like this.

*small pause*

{pick-up attempt}

But I’d love the privileged to take advantage of you, detective.

*listener objects*

You’re no fun. Anyway, I know the police department is absolutely overwhelmed these days. Organized crime is through the roof! So, I got the investigator, bless his soul, to do a little more digging. Turns out, |Rival Boss Name| is sending out a shipment of around a thousand kilos of the stuff, soon.

*listener asks*

Now that is the question, isn’t it? Where and when?

*small pause*

Do you have a wife at home, detective? Husband, maybe?

*listener speaks*

Oh, I think it’s very relevant. I’m about to give you the tip that’ll stop thousands of dollars of illegal drug trade, and you’re throwing a fit because I’m asking if you’re taken. It’s immature and unprofessional. I ought to have your badge, officer.

*listener speaks*

Glad you see it my way. Now, are you, or are you not, on the menu?

*listener responds*

Single? Not by choice, I imagine. I bet you had a smoking little side piece once, didn’t you? But they couldn’t handle how much the work consumed you. How many nights they spent in an empty bed. Was that it, detective?

*listener denies*

Ya know… I wouldn’t mind someone who works long hours. Someone who doesn’t come home every night. We’d just have to do something special when they were around. Make the time count.

*listener refocuses*

When and where? Well, let’s think.

*small pause*

Tell me, detective. Are you free Friday nights?

*listener questions*

Why, cause I want to ask you out, of course. I’m thinking somewhere candlelight, full moon, cheesy bread. You’re not allergic to shellfish, are you?

*listener speaks*

Wow, you are a clever one. Yes, I was thinking of the bistro down by the docks. But I must insist that we go on a full moon. When the light dances across the water, it looks absolutely magical!

*small pause*

Now, I’m no werewolf, so maybe I’m wrong, but I think the moon is full next Friday. Maybe we could head on out there then?

*listener moves*

Ah! Detective! Don’t leave just yet! You’re missing something!

*listener questions*

Well, I can’t tell you, silly! Clearly, you aren’t interested in our date, so I’ll have to withhold the last bit of my info. At least until we order some crab puffs. So, how about I pick you up on Friday at about, nine-ish?

*listener questions*

You can even bring your friends! Although, I don’t know if the commissioner will want to send a swat team to sit in a bistro on nothing but my good word.

*listener agrees*

So it’s decided then. Nine, on Friday. I’ll be outside your dingy little apartment in something expensive. Probably red, too. I’m sure it will stand out amongst the slum cars. I expect you to be dressed to the nines, alone, and ready for action. Sound good to you?

*listener questions*What kind of action? Oh, aren’t you a curious one? Well, buy me a couple of drinks and I’m sure we can do any kind of action you want.

*listener denies*

Well then, let me say it another way. If you get me drunk enough, then we might, ~do it~ in any back alley we can find. So, you should probably bring your gun, just in case. You never know when you might need some, ~self-defense~.

*listener asks*

No, I won’t be elaborating on that any further. You’re a detective, read between the lines.

*small pause*

Alright. This interview is over. Unless you want to leave together, then I’ll be going right now.

*listener speaks*

That’s what I thought. Can’t wait to see you dolled up for me, detective! Oh, and try to get some sleep. I can’t have you on my arm with shadows under your eyes. People will talk.

*small pause*

Ta-ta!