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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can go full Inquisitor and interrogate this script. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

This script along with 5 others are all being posted while I'm on the road. As such, they won't be listed in my Master List, or publicly in my ScriptBin until I return. I don't imagine that matters much to anyone, but if you noticed this discrepancy, that's why.

[sound] = Optional Artificial Sound Effects

(sound) = Optional Verbal Sound Effects

*sentence* = Silent context. Usually a scripted pause

~word~ = Special emphasis

{descriptor} =Special Line Delivery. Applies to the next italicized section.

femm/masc= Gendered Split

Better The Devil You Know

[door opens and closes]

Hey, honey! I’m home.

*small pause*

Honey, where are you?

*listener speaks*

Hey, sweetie.

*listener moves*

Ah, I think there’s a bug going around at work. We probably should keep the kissing to a minimum.

*small pause*

Wanna eat in tonight?

*listener speaks*

Great. I’m pretty hungry now, so I think we should just microwave something. Maybe that frozen lasagna?

*listener agrees*

Glad you agree.

*small pause*

Honey, I love you. You know that, right?

*listener confirms*I got you a gift.

*small pause*

It’s a ring! Why don’t you try it on?

*listener questions*I really have to insist, honey! It’s pure silver. I think it’ll look so good on you. Why don’t you slip it on?

*listener allows*

*pause*

I’m not staring! I’m just… waiting for you to…

*small pause*

Hey, why don’t we bang one out?

*listener questions*

Yeah, I’m serious! After dinner, we should head to the bedroom!

*listener agrees*

Great. Why don’t I give you a little kiss now, to tide you over?

*listener questions*

Yeah, I said no kissing, but if we’re going to sleep together anyway, then I think a kiss will be fine. Now come here.

(kiss)

*pause*

No, I’m not staring! I’m just… enraptured by your beauty? Yeah. You’re really hot, honey. I can’t help but get a good look.

[microwave beeps]

Oh look, the lasagna’s done! Why don’t you plate it? I’ve got to wash up.

*small pause*

{quietly}

Tap water… kosher salt…

(quick breathe)

O water, creation of God, I exorcise you. Put flight to the powers of the enemy. Come to judge the living or the dead, by fire, through you. Amen.

*listener questions*

What? Oh, I didn’t say anything, honey! I just-!

(pretend to lose balance)

[water splashes]

Oh, I’m so sorry! That got all over you!

*pause*

I’m not staring! I don’t know how many more times I’ll have to say it! I just…

*small pause*

Why don’t you eat with your shirt off? I’ve seen you naked before, it’s not like this will matter much. Plus, there’s no reason to get dressed just to strip later!

*listener comments*

I’m not acting weird! I’m just hungry. And I want to eat with my darling right now. So sit!

*pause*

Lovely weather, isn’t it?

*listener comments*

Nope. Nothing odd. Just think it’s been really nice out lately, don’t you?

*listener pressures*

Nothing wrong honey. Just, eat the food.

*listener questions*

There’s nothing wrong with the food either! Just eat it.

*listener comments*

Oh, I’m just not hungry, that’s why I haven’t taken a bite.

*listener speaks*

Did I say I was hungry? I don’t think I did. Tell you what, why don’t you take a bite, and then I’ll answer.

*listener questions*

Please just, eat the food.

*listener agrees*

Thank you.

*pause*

So, do you feel different?

*listener questions*

No, I didn’t poison the food! I…

*small pause*

(annoyed grunt)

Fine! This isn’t working. I didn’t want to skip to this, but you leave me no choice!

*speaker stands*

{proclaiming}

Foul demon! Gaze upon this cross, and know fear! I see through your deception! Show me your true form, Succubus/Incubus!

*listener stands*

Really? Nothing?

*small pause*

I’m so sorry, honey. I… I thought you were a sex demon? Don’t be mad!

*listener questions*

You’re just… so perfect! And when I’m near you I practically lose control. I knew it was just love, but when we were together. Whenever we did romantic things.

*small pause*

I guess I was just seeing things. I guess the glow in your eyes was just a trick of the light. I’m sorry for spilling the holy water on you. I’m sorry for putting vanilla in the lasagna. And I’m sorry for trying to exercise you just now. I think I went a little overboard.

*listener speaks*

Wait, what?

[magic sfx]

Oh my god! I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! You are… wow, you’re really alluring.

[magic sfx]

(gasp)

Okay, that was some strong stuff. Did I fall into a trance just by looking at you?

*listener confirms*

That’s probably not good.

*small pause*

Oh, this is very not good, isn’t it? I’m in danger. I… I kinda thought I’d be able to send you back to hell but obviously, my strategies are ineffective. Um… please, don’t suck my soul out?

*listener assures*

See, you say you wouldn’t do that, but isn’t that like, your whole shtick? Find a human, seduce them, drain them of their life, move on?

*listener explains*

I… I don’t get it. Are you, or are you not, using me as a food source?

*listener states*

You are and you’re not? That doesn’t make any sense, honey. Wait, should I still call you, honey?

*listener speaks*

Saying you love me loses a lot of its punch when I know that everything has been fake.

*listener denies*

It hasn’t been fake? You want me to believe that a sex demon fell in love with little old me? I think that’s a little far-fetched.

*listener comments*

Can you prove that in some way?

[magic sfx]

Oh, back to the demon form. I’m dead, aren’t I? You’re going to steal my soul for uncovering your secret, aren’t you? Damn, I knew I should have bought that sacrificial knife!

*listener assures*

Look at you? Do you think I’m stupid? We literally just saw what happens to me when I look at you. I’d be at your mercy!

*listener assures*

Trust you? Sweetie, I’d love to. But you’ve built this entire relationship on a lie!

*listener moves*

Hey! Don’t grab my face! I don’t want to-!

*small pause*

You look amazing.

*listener states*

Look down? I…

*small pause*

Why’s your tattoo thing so dull?

[magic sfx]

Woah! Never again! Why did you do that?!

*listener questions*

Yeah, I saw your little sigil thing! The bigger problem here is that you forced your trance stuff on me! That’s not okay!

*listener states*

Wanted me to see? Why? Why trance me and then let me go?

*listener states*

You’re starving? Wait, is that why the tattoo thing was so dull?

*listener confirms*

Oh, that’s my fault, isn’t it? You’ve been practicing monogamy for me.

*small pause*

Well, as touching as that is, you don’t have to worry about going hungry anymore, because we’re through. I can’t be with you when you could literally kill me, any time, and I’d have no defense whatsoever.

*listener speaks*

You know? Wait, are you on my side now?

[magic sfx]

What is that?

*listener states*

Life Medallion? That sounds important. Why are you showing me this?

*listener states*

You want me to have it? Why?

*listener states*

If I touch it to you, it’ll kill you?! Woah, this is going from zero to one hundred way too fast! I don’t want to kill you!

*listener offers*

I can’t use this thing for self-defense! It kills you! Or maybe that’s just a lie, and it doesn’t! I can’t risk it!

*listener begs*

As hot as your begging is, I know that’s part of your charm. I can’t just let myself die like this.

*listener continues*

(whimper)

Please don’t give me those puppy dog eyes.

*listener presses*Fine! Go to the basement and tie yourself up. I’ll come down after a little research to feed you. And maybe, if you prove that nothing’s wrong. I’ll let things go back to normal!