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All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can drink with this script, and then ask it out. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

~ ~ = Emphasis

Caffeinated Confession

[bar ambiance]

Here we are! The only bar in town that offers viable portions for hybrids!

*listener questions*

Yeah, it’s a real problem. Especially for me. My spider half gets drunk on caffeine, not liquor. But most Drider-Accessible bars get the ratio wrong. After two drinks my head is buzzed but I can still walk straight. It gets weird.

*listener asks*

Oh, I come here all the time. I’ve got a favorite bartender and everything. Tuesday’s are Marcy’s shift. She’ll take care of you just, don’t make eye contact. She gets nervous about that kind of thing.

*listener questions*

Wait, you shouldn’t order! We came because on Tuesdays anyone over ten feet gets drinks half-off. Some humans get really horny over tall hybrids, so the bar runs a promotional. Technically, I’m not supposed to buy other people drinks, but Marcy will hook me up. Just tell me what you want.

*listener states*

Got it! Be right back with that.

*pause*

Here you go! To your health!

(drink)

So, how many drinks do you think you can take?

*listener speaks*

I’ll keep that in mind. I can only do like… four of these coffee spikes before I’m entirely useless. Hopefully, we’ll stop sooner than that.

*listener agrees*

So, I’ve wanted to ask you. Do you think your division is going to finish this project? Because mine definitely isn’t.

*listener speaks*

I know, right? Double order in three weeks? What were they thinking?

*listener comments*

You know, I don’t want to say it but, I think it’s because we aren’t human. Not in the usual discriminatory way either. It kind of seems like corporate thinks we’re magic or something. Like we can just snap our fingers and finish the workload.

*listener agrees*

Yeah! Remember what he said at the last meeting? I thought it was a joke, but maybe he genuinely thought we could cast spells? I don’t know, it’s not like I’m going to take this to H.R. but maybe we should all start writing this down or something. Make a case.

*listener comments*
I guess that when we don’t finish it, we’ll just send Angus or Gloria or maybe me to go talk about it. Our manager might be a dope, but he’s definitely a coward. If someone stronger than him starts to raise their voice, he’ll fold.

*listener agrees*

Anyway, I’m going to go back to the bar and grab us a second round. Wanna change up your order?

*listener speaks*

You got it!

*pause*

Round number two! Bottom’s up!

(drink)

So, this might just be the drinks getting to me but, I’ve always wondered something about you. I know you’re a were-something, but no one in the office knows what. Is there a reason for that?

*listener speaks*

Just never told anyone? Well uh… would you tell me?

*listener questions*

I know it’s a weird ask, I just… well… a running tally has kind of set up behind your back. Right now I think we’re at two-seventy-five to whoever can guess what you are. My money is on werewolf, just because they’re the most common but, I’d love to get the inside track. We could split the money fifty-fifty if you want.

*listener states*

Not taking it? I understand. No promises that I won’t circle back to this if the pot ever gets bigger though.

(chuckle)

My leg is starting to get twitchy. Which means I probably only need one more drink to ask you want I want to ask.

*listener questions*

Yeah, I’ve just been stalling. Well, I guess I’ve been trying to have a good time too, but really I just need some liquid courage. The small talk and were-stuff was just a warm up.

*listener speaks*

I wish I could just tell you, but I can’t. Just let me get one more round, I’ll be a little more loose-lipped, and then we can get out of here before I’m too drunk.

*listener questions*

Well, there’s a park pretty close. There’s a twenty-hour hour pancake house across the street. And depending on your response to my question, you may just want to go home. But we can talk about that after another round. You want something?

*listener speaks*

Okay!

*pause*

I’m back! I drank mine on the way. I just need to give it a bit to run through me.

*small pause*

So um… how drunk are you?

*listener answers*

Can you touch your nose or something?

*listener obliges*

Okay, not that drunk. That’s probably good.

*listener questions*
Well, it’s good because that means I’ll get an honest opinion.

(deep breath)

Okay, I can’t start at the end, so I’ll kind of meander around my point.

(quick breath)

I don’t think you’re a werewolf. I bet it, because I wanted to win, but I don’t think it’s right.

*small pause*

I think you must be a were-spider or something else in the arachnid family. Either that, or you’re way braver than most.

*listener questions*

What do I mean? What ~do~ I mean? Where am I going with this? Think, think…

*small pause*

You don’t flinch! Wait, that doesn’t make any sense, does it? What I mean is, there’s a gradient list of how scared people are of me. Generally, humans get really spooked, then most hybrids are a little better, then big hybrids specifically, then other driders. But with all of those categories, driders excluded, people still get a little startled if I surprise them. Not the normal, “You scared me” either. The kind where you can tell they're scared ~of~ you.

*small pause*

I don’t blame them. Spiders are scary and from the waist down, I’m basically a really big spider. Plus predator/prey instincts don’t do me any favors. So I understand when people back up. It’s not their fault. But it still hurts. Just a little.

*small pause*

But uh… you don’t do that. You’re always fine. Hell, I’ve even tried to scare you and it doesn’t work. You’re seemingly immune to all my spider spookiness. And sober me thought that either meant you were a spider, or you’re secretly attracted to me enough to cancel out fear.

*small pause*

Now that I’m a little drunk, I think I might have just been projecting. Since I’m a spider, and I’m secretly attracted to you.

*listener questions*

Yeah, I like you. I really like your body, but you’re so, amicable too. You’re like, the kind of person I could show off to my parents. The kind I could settle with. The type of person I could sleep with or snuggle with and I’d like both of those things equally, you know?

*small pause*

(exhale)

So um… I guess the real question was… do you think you could see yourself in a relationship with me? With a drider?

*listener comments*

We can go slow, if that helps! And we don’t need labels or anything. I just… well I want to hang out sometime. Maybe friends with benefits? I’ll be honest, I haven’t gotten any action in a few years. So I’m kind of desperate for any affection. Not just the sexual stuff.

*small pause*

I cook a mean omelet! I don’t know if that’s a big selling point but, it’s true! And all my furniture is massive so it’s prime cuddling territory!

*small pause*

Sorry, I think my brain is defaulting to, “sell the product” mode. I don’t mean to suck all the romance out of this, I just really want to make a pass at you. So, what do you think? Me and you?

*listener agrees*
Yes! Really? And here I thought I butchered the delivery.

*small pause*

Wait, it just clicked. You said yes. As in, yes, right now? Like, we can go back to someone’s house and do something?

*listener restates*

Woo! Oh, I just cheered, didn’t I? I think I’m too drunk for this. But I’m never too drunk to watch movie re-runs. Should we just have a calm night tonight and try the spicy stuff when we’re both a little more capable of consent?

*listener agrees*

Sounds great! I… I guess we can get out of here. I’ll… follow you out. I think my legs aren’t happy with the amount of espresso we’ve had.

*small pause*

Hey um… before we go. Are you sure? Cause if this is a pity thing or a fear thing, you don’t have to do this. I’ll walk away and tomorrow at work, nothing has to change.

*listener assures*

Alright then, I just wanted to make sure. Can I… hand onto your shoulders? I don’t want to get lost.

*listener allows*

Thank you.