All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can get paranoid and drink before voicing this script. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Google Docs ScriptBin

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

~ ~ = Emphasis

/ = Gendered Split

Hangover Hiss-Terics

[knocking]

No! Go away!

*listener speaks*

I can’t take out the garbage right now! I’m sick!

*listener doubts*

I’m not lying this time! I’m really sick! Don’t open the door!

[door clicks]

(hiss)

It’s so bright!

[blankets rustle]

*listener asks*

I am not hiding under my pillow! I’m just…

[blankets rustle]

(hiss)

Don’t steal my blankets!

*listener states*

(groan)

I’m just not feeling my best today. So go away!

*listener questions*

I am not hungover! I’m sick, and my cat senses are overloaded right now!

*listener offers*

No! I don’t want cuddles, or pets, or scritches! I’m not faking it!

*listener comments*

Yes, I know I’ve faked illness for snuggles before, but that’s not fair! You give the best snuggles, but you’re so stingy with them! Always making me ask for them, and having to tell you when I want them explicitly!

*listener hugs*

No! Don’t snuggle me! You smell like-!

(groan)

I’m not faking it!

*listener agrees*

No! I’m not hungover either! I’m sick, and if you don’t stop being so close to me, you’ll get sick too!

*listener reveals*

You found the Purssecco bottle empty? But I-!

*small pause*

I had nothing to do with that! Maybe your new friend drank it!

*listener questions*

You know exactly who I’m talking about! I can smell her/his scent all over you!

*listener asks*

The Neko you hung out with last night! Don’t play dumb now, you couldn’t stop talking about her/him yesterday!

*listener questions*

Yeah yeah, you’re old friends. You wanted to catch up. I’m sure that’s why you didn’t mention she/he was a Calico until she/he was already at our door!

*listener questions*

It does matter! I’m sure you remember her/him as sweet or wholesome or whatever, but Calicos are sluts! Plain and simple. And I don’t want her/him taking y-!

*small pause*

Taking my blankets! Since you need lots of blankets to seduce someone. That’s a scientific fact.

*listener recenters*

No, don’t try to confuse me! She/He came to our door, you left with her/him, and you didn’t come back until like, two in the morning!

*listener questions*

So then when did she/he drink my Purssecco? I uh… She/He probably…

*small pause*

Ow! My head hurts!

*listener speaks*

I am really sick! So you need to leave before I infect you!

*listener denies*

I’m telling you, you’ve got to go! I need to rest and smelling another cat on you isn’t making that any easier.

*listener questions*

Because I said so, that’s why! I’m not going to explain the inner workings of pheromone marking while I’m hungo- sick!

*listener denies*

Go away! I don’t want scritches I just want y-! You to leave! I just want you to leave.

*listener questions*

This isn’t about her/him! Well, it is a little, their stench is pawsitively pungent, but it’s not like sickness cares about who you visit.

*listener denies*

I am not hungover! I’m sick!

*listener questions*

Symptoms? I… I feel flush! And queasy, and clammy.

*listener asks*

No, I’m not sneezing or coughing or anything like that. I’m just… sick.

*listener denies*

You cannot smell the alcohol on my breath! I haven’t had a drop to drink!

*listener disagrees*

That doesn’t make any sense. You know that I’m a lightweight and that I hate drinking! Why would I drink an entire bottle of Purssecco in a matter of hours? Your story is full of holes!

*listener denies*

I’m sick! I haven’t touched a bottle in weeks! You have no proof!

*listener comments*

My tail? What about it?

*listener states*

Spiraling? No, it’s not! It’s as straight as an arrow!

*listener continues*

Stop looking at my tail! Go away! I’m sure that Calico will let you look at her/his tail all you want! Why don’t you go find her/him?

*listener states*

I’m not hungover! I’m sick. I’m overstimulated. And I want to be left alone!

*listener threatens*

You wouldn’t dare.

*listener continues*

Don’t try it.

*listener attacks*

Ah! No!

(laughing)

No tickling! It’s not fair!

(laughing)

[yowl]

That’s right. I did scratch you. I am way too hungover right now to be tickled.

*listener questions*

Yeah, you got me. I drank the Purssecco.

*listener asks*

I don’t have to tell you a thing. Especially not after that torture session! Just let me sleep the pain away.

*listener stays*

Come on! I’m sure that Calico is dying to spend more time with you. Go annoy her/him!

*listener questions*

Oh, like you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about! Normally, you’re clueless persona is fun, but I am way too dead to enjoy it right now. Just leave.

*listener denies*

(groan)

Please?

*listener disagrees*

Fine! But if you’re staying, I’m not going to keep smelling her/him. There’s a spare blanket in my chair. Go rub against it until I say you can stop.

*pause*

Yeah, that’s enough. It isn’t really, but the sound of the fabric is starting to get to me.

*listener offers*

Yes, I’d like some cuddles.

[blankets rustle]

Ugh, you still smell way too much like her/him.

*small pause*

There’s no way I can scent you now. Shaking my head would probably kill me.

*small pause*

Here. Take my wrist.

*listener agrees*

Now rub it on your face until you smell like me.

*pause*

Don’t stop. You still smell like her/him.

*pause*

There. That should be enough of a headstart. I’m sure if you keep laying in my bed with me, the smell will only continue to fade.

*small pause*

{queitly}

I’d like to see that Calico catch a whiff of you now! She’ll/He’ll be in for quite the surprise.

*listener questions*

Nothing! Just shut up and snuggle me!

*small pause*

[purring]

This is nice, right? Two friends, warm together. I bet that Calico didn’t snuggle you as well as I do!

*listener answers*

That’s what I thought! I bet she/he didn’t even wrap her/his tail around you!

*listener confirms*

Exactly! I’m way better girlfriend/boyfriend material than her/him.

*listener agrees*

Yeah, I am!

*small pause*
Wait. I am? You agree with me?

*listener confirms*

Well, it’s true! Objectively, I would be a much better candidate than her/him. If I liked you, that is.

*listener questions*

Like you?

(scoffs)

No! We’re just roommates! It’s not like that!

*listener states*

Jealous?! Me? I am not jealous of the Calico. I just don’t want you to get sucked into a friends-with-benefits relationship, that will never go anywhere!

*listener questions*

Well, because you’re worth more than that! You should be cherished, and loved, and cuddled by someone who cares about you! And that is not a Calico!

*listener asks*

Is that person me? No!

*listener comments*

Yeah, we’re cuddling right now, but we’re just friends! It’s not like I like you.

*listener baits*

Shame? Why is that a shame?

*listener explains*

You like me? But then…

*small pause*

Why would you go on a date with someone else if you liked me? A date with another Neko for crying out loud!

*listener questions*

Yes, I think it was a date! What else could it have been?

*listener states*

Just a friendly get-together? Like I believe that.

*listener confirms*

Yes, I want to trust you, and maybe you think it was entirely platonic, but Calicos don’t do platonic friendships. They find a mate and pounce.

*listener denies*

And how do you know that’s not the case?

*listener states*

She’s/He’s married? That doesn’t prove anything! What if she/he was trying to stage an affair?

*listener states*

Her/His wife/husband came along? But um… Maybe her/his wife/husband was in on it! No Calico could resist a threesome!

*listener clarifies*

Her/His wife/husband is a human? Well, some humans are into that kind of stuff!

*listener denies*’

It does matter! They might have been trying to seduce you!

*listener states*

You wouldn’t have said yes, even if they were? Are you sure? Because sleeping with a Calico is a really alluring experience! How do you know you wouldn’t fold?

*listener speaks*

Because you love someone else? Who?

*listener explains*

Oh, me! I…

*small pause*

I love you too. That’s why I drank the bottle. I thought I missed my chance to tell you.

*listener speaks*

Really. I thought I messed everything up. That I would have to act happy when you came home with a new Neko on your arm. So I went to get a drink. Then another. And another. Eventually, I kinda just blacked out.

*listener states*

Well yeah, in hindsight, I did smell a second person on her/him, and the wedding ring was kind of a dead giveaway, but I wasn’t thinking straight! I thought I was about to lose you, and I panicked.

*small pause*

I love you.

*listener responds*

Do you promise that Calico didn’t do anything while you were out? Because I will happily scratch out her/his eyes if she/he made a pass at you!

*listener confirms*

Okay. I… believe you. And I think I’m a little frazzled right now. Can I just… nuzzle into you?

*listener allows*

Thanks.

*small pause*

You smell really good. Well, under all the smell of me and that Calico. What did you do to get covered in her/his scent anyway?

*listener states*

You loaned her/him your jacket? But…

(sniff)

Oh my god, that is where the smell is coming from! Take it off!

*listener questions*

Yes, right now!

[blankets rustle]

Now, throw it over there!

*small pause*

(sniff)

Mmm, much better. Now, I can snuggle in deep without getting a face full of her/him.

*small pause*

(sigh)

You’re really warm. You know that?

(yawn)

Yeah. Warm and soft and snuggly. Like a heated blanket, but way more loveable.

(yawn)

I think I’m going to take that cat nap now. But… when I wake up…

(yawn)

I have a secret to show you.

*small pause*

I’m one-third Calico. And all that stuff I said about Calicos being slutty-

(yawn)

-was true.

[snoring and purring]