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( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

| | = Character

~ ~ = Emphasis

Cadaverous Counsel

|Human|

Hello?! Forest Sage? We have a… ~unique~ problem.

|Ghost|

That’s an understatement!

|Human|

Sweetheart, please, don’t scare them off before we get some help.

|Ghost|

I’m not going to scare them off! They’ve seen ~way~ weirder stuff than this!

|Human|

If we’re going to get you some help, we don’t need to push our luck, sweetie!

|Ghost|

Maybe if you hadn’t pushed my luck, we wouldn’t need help!

|Human|

Please don’t start this here.

|Ghost|

I’ll start whatever I want! You killed me!

|Human|

It was an accident! And also your fault! I wouldn’t have-!

*listener arrives*

Oh! Wise Sage! How long have you been there?

*listener answers*

The whole time? Of course, you were. Well, we’ve come to ask for your help. We brought an offering, we just need a moment of your time.

*listener obliges*

Thank you so much. So, as you can see, my spouse here is a little bit… um…

|Ghost|

Dead! I’m a ghost because this one killed me!

|Human|

It was an accident! I love them very much, and I would never have hurt them intentionally!

*listener questions*

What do we want? Oh, we just kind of thought that… since you’re all… freaky magic hermit in the forest… no offense.

|Ghost|

We were hoping you could revive me.

|Human|

Yep! That’s what I was trying to say. Their body is healthy, and clearly, it’s not their time to move on. So, can you put their spirit back?

*listener states*

Depends on what?

*listener clarifies*

The body? Well, we didn’t exactly bring it with us but, we can take you to it! It’s still in our house.

|Ghost|

{hushed}

I told you we’d need it!

|Human|

{hushed}

We are not saying, “I Told You So’s” in front of the ancient magician!

(clear throat)

Do we need to pay extra for a house call or..?

*listener assures*

It’s good? Thank you so much!

*pause for time skip*

|Human|

This is our house. But um… well…

*small pause*

It’s not exactly clean inside so…

*small pause*

Could I ask you to stay outside? Just for a couple of minutes?

*listener agrees*

Thank you. I promise we’ll get you a bottle of wine or something for your troubles! Honey? Would you stay with the forest witch while I… ~tidy up the crime scene~?

|Ghost|

Yes, dear.

|Human|

Great! I’ll be right back!

[door opens and closes]

|Ghost|

So, umm… Want to hear a joke?

*listener denies*

You’re right. Not the time.

*small pause*

Do you… need to interview me or something? I’m not exactly a vengeful spirit but… I don’t know, is there something you need to do?

*listener questions*

Do I want to tell you something? No, I… well… nothing about my accidental murder. Honestly, I don’t really care about it too much, especially if you can fix me.

*listener asks*

Yeah, I don’t care. I know that my sweetheart didn’t mean to kill me. And I did kind of… ask for it. I just…

*small pause*

I was hoping the conversation might come around to the more general magic you can do? I’m kind of self-conscious about my teeth but braces are such a huge commitment so… can you do some magic stuff to straighten them?

*listener speaks*

Talk later? Great! I wouldn’t want to-

[door opens]

Honey! You’re back!

|Human|

Yep! We’re all ready for you upstairs! Come on in!

*pause for movement*

|Ghost|

{quietly}

Hey, what’s the blanket all about hun?

|Human|

{quietly}

The blanket is to ensure that no one has to see anything ~provacative~.

|Ghost|

{quietly}

Oh, right!

*listener speaks*

What was that, Sage?

*listener repeats*

Oh, cause of death! Why uh… Why don’t you tell them, honey?

|Human|

{quietly}

You-!

*small pause*

The cause of death was… asphyxiation.

*listener questions*

No not choking. I… smothered them. There shouldn’t be much of any bruising, considering they didn’t struggle!

|Ghost|

Hey! I struggled plenty! It’s not my fault you thought I was or-!

(clear throat)

Ordering pizza!

|Human|

Really, pizza?

|Ghost|

Oh, well if you remember something differently, you’re free to voice yourself!

|Human|

No, I’m good.

|Ghost|

That’s what I thought! We were lying in bed, and this one… covered my face with… a pillow!

|Human|

A pillow?

|Ghost|

Yes, honey. A pillow. And it was so soft and squishy that I couldn’t breathe, but my favorite little idiot over here didn’t see me struggling and suffocated me. Isn’t that how you remember it, honey?

|Human|

Yes, that’s how I remember it!

*listener speaks*

Which pillow? Well um… I didn’t get a good look. Why don’t you tell them which one it was, sweetheart? You had your face pressed in it, after all!

|Ghost|

It was… this blue one. Yep, this is the one.

*small pause*

Say, uh… For no reason… Why do you need to know which pillow it was?

*listener responds*

You need the murder weapon to revive me? Uh-oh.

|Human|

What my partner means is… How involved does an item have to be to count as a murder weapon? Like, if it was just… nearby, would that count?

*listener disagrees*

It wouldn’t? Oh, that’s not good.

*listener speaks*

|Ghost|

Hiding something? We aren’t hiding anything! We-!

|Human|

No, sweetie. It’s okay. We should tell them.

|Ghost|

Are you sure you want to?

|Human|

Yes. Just… let me tell it.

(deep breath)

If you… pull back the blanket… you’ll see my partner is wearing a rather… ~ interesting ~ get-up.

[blanket moves]

*listener states*

Yeah, you hit the nail dead on the head. Did some forest magic tell you or..?

*listener speaks*

We left a whip out?

*small pause*

Oh my god, please ignore that!

(clear throat)

So… the murder weapon isn’t a pillow. It’s… my thighs.

|Ghost|

They are killer thighs.

|Human|

Not now, sweetie.

*small pause*

Yeah so… we were doing some breath play and… I got a little bit too into it… and this one kept going on and on about, “To Die By The Thigh Is The Way Of The Warrior”... so…

*small pause*

I swear, I didn’t mean to kill them. I just sat down for a little too long, ya know?

*listener confirms*

Great. So… now that we’ve revealed our personal lives to a stranger who lives in the woods, can you help?

*listener states*

A ritual? That’s great! Do you have everything here?

*listener confirms*That’s wonderful! How does it work?

*listener speaks*

|Ghost|

You want me to hover over my body?

*small pause*

Like this?

*listener confirms*

Anything else?

*listener continues*

|Human|

Draw ruins on the murder weapon?! I… uh…

*small pause*

You promise this is part of the ritual?

*listener confirms*

Fine. I’ll do this for you, honey! I’m wearing shorts anyway so, I guess I’ll just hike them up a little.

*small pause*

{surpressing laughter}

That kind of tickles!

*small pause*

Done?

*listener confirms*

Great! Now what?

*listener explains*

Place the murder weapon on the mortal wound. So, you want me to… sit on…

*listener agrees*

Okay. Yeah, this is fine. I’ll just… get on the bed and…

*small pause*

I’m sorry this is just really embarrassing for me. You’re being so professional, I shouldn’t be this ashamed but…

*small pause*

Could you do the rest while looking the other way?

*listener allows*

Thank you! I owe you so much! Now, if you’d turn?

*listener spins*

Okay, I’m sitting. Now what?

*listener chants*

Oh, you’re focusing! Shutting up now.

[magic sfx]

Wow, this feels really weird. Do I have to..?

|Ghost|

(deep breath)

I’m alive!

|Human|

You’re alive!

|Ghost|

Thank you so much forest witch… wizard… whatever you are! I’m-!

*small pause*

I’m still wearing the latex, aren’t I?

|Human|

You are.

|Ghost|

Honey, would you hand me that blanket?

|Human|

Here you go.

*small pause*

While they’re covering up their shame I want to thank you. If there’s anything we can do for you, consider it done.

*listener speaks*

Yes. I promise this won’t happen again.

|Ghost|

Wait, we aren’t doing this again?

|Human|

The murder part, honey. Not the sitting part.

|Ghost|

Oh, that makes sense!

*listener offers*

|Human|

No, the ritual went perfectly. They’re just always a little stupid.

|Ghost|

Hey!

|Human|

But I love them for it.

|Ghost|

Awww!

|Human|

So, if you’ll let us get back to it, that’d be great! And, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask! Unless it’s like, our firstborn child. Then, please hesitate.

|Ghost|

Oh, and I still want to talk about that teeth thing sometime!

*listener confirms*

|Ghost|

Thanks again!

|Human|

Thank you!