All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can lie about the healing properties of this script, and sell it to cowboys. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

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Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

| | = Character

~ ~ = Emphasis

A Slippery Sale

[peppy ragtime ambiance]

Thank you one and all for your attendance! I know you’ve got many woes to attend to, but today, I may be able to alleviate some of them!

*small pause*

For the fine ladies and gentlemen who do not know me, I am Doctor Reverend |First Name| Copperhead. But you can just call me Dr. C.

*small pause*

I’ve come to you with a simple question. Are? You? Tired? Stop a second and really think about it. I’m sure working folks like yourself are! Now, I am ~not~ a farmer. I never could be. It seems like an incredibly difficult profession, and I am glad to allow you, fine folks, to take care of it. But you and I both know, that you have a few more aches and pains than those city-slickers!

*small pause*

No, I am not a farmer. I am a person invested in the cutting edge. A new blend of science, and magic, to bring you youth from the future, to challenge your past! How? Well, I’m glad you asked!

*small pause*

You see, dear friends, I have spent the better portion of three decades traveling beyond the edges of the map. I’ve seen ancient villages and metropolitan cities more than just about anyone could shake a stick at. All of them had their own problems, but one remained the same. When I look out into this crowd, I can see the ailment in you.

*small pause*

You’re sick! Don’t be insulted, I was too. We’ve all been sick before, and we’ll all be sick again. Some of you have coughs or sneezes, but we’re ~all~ sick, even if we don’t see it. Exhaustion is our sickness. Pain is our ailment. But here, with the turn of the new century, we can cure all that makes you sick.

*small pause*

[crowd murmurs]

I hear your murmurs. I know what any right-minded individual would be thinking. How? What does old Dr. C have that which could possibly fix all my aches and pains? Well, to tell you that, I have to tell you a little story.

*small pause*

Deep in the strange world that is the Oriental, high upon the Himalayan Mountains, live a group of monks. These sages have lived for hundreds of years, all because of a ritual. Some of you may have heard of the phoenix? A legendary bird that cannot die. Whenever death takes this creature, it bursts into flames and rises again from its own ashes. The monks live in harmony with these birds, and on every full moon, they commune with them.

*small pause*

The monks care for the birds, and so, the birds care for the monks. They burst into flames and give the monks a feather from their fiery crown. I have lived among these monks and studied the birds intensely. And after my years of study, I was ready to complete my dream.

*small pause*

I befriended one of these birds. Took it back with me, to my factory. There, its needs and wants are met, and in return, it drops a feather every full moon. Now, a single feather, taken once a month, could keep one soul youthful. But that would hardly be fair. Who am I to decide which one of you fine folks deserves life eternal? Instead, I mix the feather with a myriad of spices, spirits, and good old-fashioned H-Two-O, and I get this!

*small pause*

Dr. C’s Elixir of Embers! Not as strong as a pure phoenix feather, I will admit, but its power still resonates within this bottle. Just an ounce of this elixir can restore vitality, and cure disease. All it needs is the light of the full moon to activate it.

*small pause*

Now, I know some slippery charlatans have been peddling snake oil all across this fine country. And I know that the fine ladies and gentlemen of this crowd are not stupid. I look out at your faces, and I see the doubt. The skepticism. I don’t blame you. But I can prove that I am not one of those deceivers.

*small pause*

Some of those con artists will try to get you to believe their blind word. Some of them will try to fool you with a drawl of scientific mumbo-jumbo. But I am not them! I invite the sickest among you to come up to my wagon. I will prove my tonic’s effectiveness firsthand.

[crowd mumbles]

You! How would you like to be cured?

*small pause*

A round of applause for this brave soul. Now, firstly, what ails you?

*listener whispers*

Age! The looming specter from which we are all running. How old are you, friend?

*listener whispers*

Seventy-Nine! You must be very, well-experienced. Now, before we give you the vitality of an ox, I must first confirm something. Do we know each other?

*listener speaks*

No! We do not. But I wouldn’t expect the fair ladies and gentlemen of this crowd to believe that! After all, what if you and I had simply agreed to lie? So, I would ask the fair people here, which ones amongst you, know this elderly soul?

*small pause*

You in the back! How do you know them?

*crowd member speaks*

Godparent! And what about you sir, do you know this fine soul?

*crowd member speaks*

Saved your store. And you? Who are they to you?

*crowd member speaks*

Sold you your first house! Crowd members look around you. Even if you do not know this person, there are at least ten more hands that do! Now, I won’t say that’s concrete evidence. I suppose I could have organized all of this. But does that make sense? How could I, a stranger to this fair town, have bought the opinions of everyone? Why would any one of you, be the only one I trick? No, more likely, I am an honest, god-fearing, scientist, come to share my product with you!

*small pause*

Now, without further ado, let’s see what my elixir can do, shall we? It’s as simple as this. Screw off the child-safe bottle cap, pour your elixir into the cap like so-

[liquid pours]

-and drink up! So easy, a lawyer could do it!

*small pause*

Now friend, would you drink this for me?

*listener agrees*

I’m sure you can glean from my friend’s unpleasant reaction, that the taste is far from pleasant, but I assure all of you, that the results will be incredible. Right now, how do you feel friend?

*listener states*
The same! Because we’re missing the most important ingredient! The moonlight! Now, since it’s the middle of the day, and a crescent moon tonight, you might think I’m going to resign, but no! I have a second technological wonder with me today!

*small pause*

This, ladies and gentlemen, is no ordinary pendant! It’s a one-of-a-kind relic I found in the Amazons. It can store a single moonbeam within its reflective walls! Friend, if you’ll stand still, I will activate the embers that are now inside of you!

[pocket watch clicks]

Can you see the dull glow in their veins? That’s the embers igniting!

[pocket watch clicks]

Now, I could ask you how you feel friend, but how about I show you instead. Give me your cane.

*listener questions*
Ah, I need you to have faith, friend. Hand me your cane!

*listener agrees*

Voila! A seventy-nine-year-old saint, healed before your very eyes! Healed by my elixir!

[crowd cheers]

[ragtime ambiance fades]

{fading out}

Now don’t crowd folks! I’ve got plenty to go around! At just ten dollars an ounce, or eighty dollars for ten! I take cash or gold!

*pause for time skip*

[desert night ambiance]

{counting}

Two-hundred and seven, two-oh-eight, two-oh-nine-

[door opens]

Why hello again you old saint. Whatever could be bringing you back to my wagon?

(kiss)

You did great honey. Especially the glowing veins bit. You were right, it was totally worth the money. Although, I wish you’d take the outfit off. It’s weird to see you all, crotchety.

*listener questions*

Yeah, we made a killing. And, we’ve got six more towns this rotation. I’ve heard there is another pox going around, so we should be even better off!

*small pause*

How’s the rest of the crew doing?

*listener answers*

Great. Big props to Taylor with that godparent line. Are they all ready to move on?

*listener confirms*

Perfect! Why don’t you go grab the reins? I’ll finish up counting.

*listener agrees*

I love you, honey!