All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can bleed this script dry, then throw its body at your listener. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Google Docs ScriptBin

Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

~ ~ = Emphasis

All Bark, No Bite

[forest ambiance]

(idle humming)

Oh! Um… Hello!

*small pause*

I’m sorry, are you real, or am I hallucinating again?

*listener speaks*

Hmm, I think that’s what a hallucination would say. Here, why don’t you throw a rock at me or something?

*small pause*

[small thud]

Goodness! You are real! What are you doing in the middle of my forest?

*listener states*

No, that doesn’t make any sense. People stopped coming to my forest a long time ago. Haven’t you heard the stories?

*listener comments*

No? Hmm, I must have been here for longer than I thought.

*small pause*

Well, I see you’re caught in one of my traps. I assume you don’t want to stay there, right?

*listener agrees*

Great! I’ll knock you out so you don’t swallow your tongue when I pull the bear trap off. Just, try not to flinch too hard. Okay?

[thump]

*pause*

[campfire ambiance]

Hey there sleepyhead! Welcome back to consciousness!

*listener comments*

Easy there. It’s okay. I’m sure the head trauma is a little confusing, but you’re in no condition to walk. Please, just try to think clearly. I met you in the woods, you were trapped, I helped you… Is any of this ringing a bell?

*listener answers*

Good! I was worried I had hit you too hard.

*small pause*

Here! I got some soup going. You should eat.

*listener accepts*

Glad you see it my way. Now, eat up!

*pause*

Staring? Well of course I’m staring, sweetheart! Your visage is mesmerizing! Plus, I haven’t seen another person in a long time. Probably years!

*listener questions*

Yeah, I’ve been alone out here for a while. I think I left the town in… shoot, what year is it?

*listener answers*

(exhale)

Forgive me, I’ve never been the best with numbers, but… carry the two… minus eleven… thirty-one years?

*listener comments*

Yes, I do think that’s right. And I’ve switched caves about thirty times, I think… so it seems right.

*listener questions*
How old am I? Sweetie, I can’t go around telling strangers my age! It’s bad for my health.

*small pause*

Though, I suppose we aren’t perfect strangers anymore. You are in my home, after all.

*small pause*

Why don’t you go first? How old are you?

*listener answers*

So you are human then, correct?

*listener responds*

Oh good. I thought your blood smelled human, but it’s been so long, I couldn’t be sure.

*listener questions*
Of course, I’m not human, sweetheart! Do you think a normal human could survive in a forest for thirty years and still look this young? Don’t answer that, I know I don’t look a day over four hundred.

*listener speaks*

Oh, has it not clicked yet? I’m a vampire, sweetie. A very old one at that. I know I don’t look the part anymore, but I am one. The dirt-stained my hair brown, and my sunlight resistance training gave me a tan but I promise, I am as dead as the grave. Here, feel my skin!

*speaker touches*

As cold as the cave you sit in.

*listener asks*

Ah, my fangs. Yes, that is quite a sad story. It’s actually why I’m hiding out here. I used to live in a manor, above a town. I had plenty of game, the occasional virgin sacrifice. It was splendid. Often, heroes would wander in, looking to slay the evil vampire, and they always made great thralls once I was done with them.

*small pause*

I had a perfect life. I was content. Until I was betrayed. My closest friend and head maid had evidently loved one of the heroes I enthralled. Despite our closeness, she was too scared of me to simply ask for her love to be released. She thought that she could break my hold on her love the same way I had set it. With my teeth. So one fine morning, she drugged my dinner and sawed off my fangs while I slept.

*small pause*

Now, this wouldn’t have mattered too much, but my little village got word of my, ~vunerability~ and came to fight. Whether I had my fangs or not wouldn’t save me then. I knew I could never beat them all, that’s why I tried to stay detached from them. So, I planned to hide out in the forest for a few months. And evidently, I let the years slip away from me. I suppose I can head back to my manor now. See what’s become of it.

*small pause*

I wonder if those mongrels ever got into my vault?

*pause*

Oh well, that’s the end of my tale of woe. I’d be angry, but I’ve had plenty of time to forgive and forget.

*small pause*

All done with the soup?

*listener responds*

Great! Let me take your bowl from you. I’ll be right back for my dinner.

*listener questions*

Yes, my dinner. Smelling your wound has left me very hungry, and it’s not like I can eat this soup, now can I?

*listener questions*

Darling? Did I hit you on the head too hard? I thought it’d be obvious. You’re my dinner. That’s the entire point of the bear traps. To catch unsuspecting mammals like yourself.

*listener speaks*

Oh, don’t look so panicked. It’ll barely hurt. I’ve had to become very creative to eat without fangs, and I’ve settled on a method that is efficient, and easy for everyone involved!

*small pause*

Sweetie, your leg is far too mangled to attempt any sort of escape. Plus, I can sprint across this cave faster than you can blink. There’s no use running. Just sit still, and be patient. I’ll be right back.

(idle humming)

Alright! I’ve got everything! If I turn my back and you aren’t there, this is going to be unpleasant for everyone!

*small pause*

Now that’s a good pet! If you survive, I’ll teach you to play fetch and roll over.

*listener questions*

Yes, ~if~ you survive. It’s been so long since I’ve tasted human blood. If I remember correctly, I used to go quite feral over it. But that was a long time ago so, who’s to say?

*small pause*

Now, let’s turn off all those pesky pain receptors. Why don’t you look into my eyes, sweetie?

*listener objects*

Darling, don’t close your eyes. It’s better if you let me trance you. It’s either that or I cut into you while you’re still fully awake. The choice is yours.

*listener speaks*

(sigh)

Begging is so far beneath you, and so incredibly wasted on me. I’ve been at this for hundreds of years. You can’t sway me with pretty talk. Just look at my eyes, and lean into it.

*small pause*

Fine, the hard way then. I’ll hold you down and do what needs to be done.

*small pause*

[knife cuts]

Oh, does that hurt? Almost like someone warned you that it would. Now, hold still. I want you to bleed into this pan.

*small pause*

Stop struggling. I can do this with you unconscious. I just find that lowers the survival rate. If it hurts so bad just open up those pretty eyes, and let me trance you.

*small pause*

Deep breaths, sweetie! Oxygenated blood tastes so much better than the flat stuff. And, it’ll probably help to keep you from fainting.

*small pause*

(deep sniff)

Wow, your blood smells great. Way better than any animal. Although, you do seem to bleed a lot slower.

*small pause*

I’m going to cut another slit, sweetie. Are you sure you don’t want any trance to make it all better?

*listener accepts*

Good human. Picking what’s best for you. Now, look into my eyes.

*small pause*

Good pet. Wasn’t that easy? Letting go?

*small pause*

You shouldn’t be able to feel the pain anymore. So, I’m going to make my cuts now.

[knife cuts]

See? Painless. I imagine you can feel your thoughts getting a little duller. I want you to know that is the blood loss. I’m not messing with your mind, just turning off your brain. I know it’s a small nit to pick, but it matters to me.

*small pause*

You’re filling up the pan quite nicely. This should be enough for quite a few meals! Or… more accurately… one really big meal before I storm my old manor.

*small pause*

Thanks for reminding me how long it’s been, by the way. I don’t know how much longer I would have wandered this forest without you.

*small pause*

(wince)

I know that look. Death’s at your door, isn’t he? I suppose you have lost a lot of blood.

*small pause*

You know, watching you die has made me feel something rather odd. I think it’s… no, not guilt… Nostalgia! I… missed watching people die? Or, maybe I just missed watching people. It’s hard to tell.

*small pause*

Oh! My pan is full. Are you still alive, darling?

*small pause*

You are! Quite the fighter, aren’t we? I suppose that kills any ideas about turning you. You’d be far too likely to seek revenge.

*small pause*

Tell you what, I’ll do one more thing while I’ve still got you tranced.

*pause*

I don’t know if you’re still lucid enough to see, but I got a rod from my campfire. I’m going to cauterize your wounds. If you have enough blood left to survive, good for you. If not, then my condolences for your loss.

[flesh searing]

There… we... go! All sealed up. I hope you survive, darling. You have done me a great service. But I can’t stay to watch you recover. As soon as I finish my dinner, I’ve got a manor to retake.

*small pause*

Why don’t you go to sleep, sweetie? That way, you’ll either wake up in heaven or with closed wounds and a dull ache.

*small pause*

I’ll leave the stew brewing. I’m sure you’ll be hungry if you survive. Probably cold, light-headed, and deeply enraged too, but I can’t fix those.

*small pause*

Goodnight, sweetheart. Thanks for everything. Now…

Sleep.