Woo! 100 Scripts! The stalkers among you may realize that this is not the 100th script I posted. It's 96, 104, or 108, depending on your perspective. But with the way I count sequels, extensions, and drafts, it's my centennial. Thanks so much for the support, you've given me over the months. And a special shout out to the lurkers who upvote my posts. Everyone is always quick to thank VA's, and I am grateful for them, but without you engaging with my posts, all my scripts would just get buried by the algorithm. Thank you.

All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can jump on a Mycluxe and shout this script while riding bareback. Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

Google Docs ScriptBin

Key:

[ ] = Artificial Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

~ ~ = Special Emphasis

| | = Character

Intergalactic Dating, For Dummies

|Announcer: Pre-Recording|

Thank you for choosing Xethon Dating Service. Here at Xethon, we know that scientifically, you’re perfect match is somewhere in the known universe, the trick is finding them! You have signed up to use the Systematically, Pivoting, Energetic, Emphasis, Device. Which our engineers have loving labeled, the S.P.E.E.D. Dater. Once you and the other nine hundred ninety-nine participants are strapped in, we will use your submitted data, in combination with the S.P.E.E.D. Dater’s rotating chambers, to bring you face to face with a potential partner. Thanks to the Xethon trademarked restraints, none of you will be able to move, so you can be as brutally honest or artificially nice as you wish. After nine rotations, you may attempt to pick a partner. If they pick you as well, you will both be released from the S.P.E.E.D Dater and moved to stage two. If you do not like anyone, you can take another round in the S.P.E.E.D. Dater, until you find your match. If at any time you wish to stop participating in the S.P.E.E.D. Dater, you can. Just imagine yourself pressing that big, red button, above you, and you will be taken out of the rotation. Refunds will not be provided.

*pause*

All one thousand entities have been strapped in and accounted for. The program will begin shortly, so just remember… Xethon, for when love is too hard.

[metal whirrs]

|Zeppi: Very Hyper|

Wow, that was disorienting! So, you’re the first date? What am I saying, you obviously are! I’m Zeppi! What’s your name?

*listener answers*

Cool! I think my second cousin’s, fourth wife’s, uncle’s, brother’s, president has that name! Do you know them?

*listener responds*
No? Aw, that’s a shame. Anyway, I’m Zeppi! When I was little, I always wanted to race Mycluxes, and now I do! It’s my passion. I have to take a few, ~stimulants~ all the time to keep pace with them. Reaction time and all that, and apparently, that’s led to a few side effects. People tell me I’m really hyper! But I don’t see it. What about you? What do you do for a living?

*listener responds*
Uh-huh.

Mmhmm.

Yeah.

Mmmmmhm.

*listener finishes*

Cool! So, I was looking for someone who-

[ding]

Woah, the light above you just changed colors! Wait, does that mean-?

[metal whirrs]

|Starhopper: Detached|

Fascinating. One would think meaningful bonds could not be formed in that short of a time frame, yet, Xethon has a relatively good return record.

*listener questions*

I’m sorry, I was engrossed in my research. My people call me Starhopper. I’m a scientist. I wanted to partake in this, S.P.E.E.D. Dater to acquire a better understanding of various aliens' muses on love. I should state that I have a closed recorder on my person, and every sound you make may, or may not be published in a scientific paper. Do you consent to being recorded?

*listener agrees*

Very good. As the observer, and a subject, I am an interesting variable in this experiment. Therefore, I’d request you to lead this engagement. Would you list some hobbies or interests and allow me to assign value to them?

*listener agrees*

Very good.

[ding]

The light changed. I suppose I should spend less time-.

[metal whiring]

|Plif: Confident|

Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this. We just have to move quick. I’ll go first. I’m Plif, I’ve gotten a few comments on my body and yes, I’m semi-tangible. When I focus, I can become entirely ethereal and phase through most surfaces. Although these bindings must be made of something special because I can’t go through them. Anyway, I like short walks, warm hugs, and spending time, one-on-one. What about you?

*listener speaks*

That last bit sounds interesting. Do you normally do that outside or..?

*listener comments*
Huh, I’ve never heard of doing it that way. But I suppose there are plenty of things I haven’t heard of. I’d love to learn with you.

*listener questions*
Yeah, really! My first two dates were pretty bland, so if they’re the average, then you’re a shoo-in for my pick!

[ding]

Well, that’s our time. See you s-

[metal whirring]

|Quly: Seductive|

Oh… What’s a pretty thing like you doing in a place like this?

*listener speaks*

Mmm, your voice! It’s like bliss walked the air. What do you say we get out of here and you show me what else that mouth can do?

*listener comments*

Ah, the pleasantries. Well, I’m Quly. I’m sure you can tell what I am.

*listener disagrees*

No? Inexperienced, aren’t we? My race is called Lorela, but we’re better known for our actions. We’re quite notorious in bedrooms everywhere, and I assure you, I am ~very~ adept for my kind. What about you? Do they moan your praises on your home planet?

*listener denies*

Really? I have to say, I didn’t expect that from you. Well then, let’s cut to the chase. Pick me, and we can have ~lots~ of fun together. I’m thinking the district orgy on Hallos. But for our first time, I’ll let you pick what we do.

[ding]

There’s the ding. Remember, Quly.

[metal whirrs]

|D-A15: Robotic|

Greetings, fifth date. I am D-A15. I was an onboard personality for a space freighter, but thanks to a random radiation flare, I became sentient. I adopted this body, and I am trying to explore my consciousness. I learned that love is traditionally considered to be a large part of being, ~alive~. Hence, my appearance here. What about you?

*listener speaks*

Incredible. Have all the members of your race experienced a similar story, or just you?

*listener responds*

Interesting. You have certainly piqued my interest, organic. Sadly, I cannot return any talk of hobbies or interests. I have only been alive for a few days. The only thing of note I’ve done took place approximately four hours into my consciousness. When I committed a series of small digital thefts so that I would have the funding for this date.

*listener comments*

Yes, the other’s expressed that I shouldn’t tell people that, but I-

[ding]

Goodbye, organic.

[metal whirrs]

|Samos: Timid|

Oh, hi. I’m Samos. What’s your name?

*listener speaks*

That’s um… I… I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry. This is my first time even leaving my home planet.

*listener questions*

Oh, you want to know more? Well… I’m from Wuipt. It’s a farming planet, mostly. I didn’t really get around much. There wasn’t really anywhere to go. There were only a few other people within a reasonable distance, so I made friends with them and settled.

*small pause*

My best friend was always a little more, outgoing than me. They met someone with Xethon and insisted that I tried it out. I didn’t really know what to expect.

*small pause*

Um, do you go to other planets often?

*listener replies*

I’m sorry if I don’t seem very attentive. I’ve never met this many new people this fast. I’m a little overwhelmed.

*listener assures*

Thank you. That… means a lot.

[ding]

Oh, um… bye!

[metal whirrs]

|K’tyl: Direct|

Ah, another candidate. I’ll get straight to the point. I’m K’tyl and I’m looking for a mate.

*listener comments*
Love is optional. And you’re species' method of reproduction doesn’t matter. My people are incredibly fertile. Any genetic sample when consumed properly would suffice. Whether that be a reproductive fluid, blood, or just a little flesh. To further entice you, I would be willing to partake in any mating or courting rituals, long-term or short-term. That is, if you are favorable genetically.

*listener questions*

Yes, favorable. I have a few questions. Is your species avian?

*listener answers*

Do you have less than forty-four thousand chromosomes in your genetic singularity?

*listener answers*

How do you, personally, approach caring for a child?

*listener answers*

All good. Should you pick me, I can promise my monogamy and at least sixteen children.

[ding]

Consider it!

[metal whirrs]

|Puvu: Experinced|

Well hey there! How are you?

*listener responds*

That’s great! I’m doing pretty well myself. I’m Puvu. My people live for an incredibly long time, and my ninth partner died a number of years ago. I’ve mourned and moved forward, and as always my manor has been so lonely without someone to share it with, so I’m looking for number ten!

*listener questions*

Yes, manor. I’m the head of a rather large cooperation. But don’t think I’m an easy paycheck! I’ve got a sixth sense about false sincerity.

*small pause*

That’s enough of my talk, I want to hear about you. I think I’ve got a question that’ll say a lot about you. Why don’t you tell me what shape you think best represents happiness?

*listener responds*

Hmm, you’re an interesting one, aren’t you? I wonder-?

[ding]

Oh, that’s all our time. Nice to meet-

[metal whirring]

|Hewewe: Excitable|

Hi, hello! I made a little mistake being here. My friend signed me up for this as sort of a prank. You see, I already have a partner. I’m not looking for love. So, I’ve just been trying to make friends. I’m Hewewe, what’s your name?

*listener responds*

Like the president?

*listener agrees*

Huh, that must be fun. What do you think of Yefeball?

*listener comments*
I personally love the game. Watch it, play it, everything. I’ve even got an original Yefeball!

*listener questions*

Oh, you must not be a die-hard Yefer. You see, when the Yeffians invented Yefeball, they made about two million balls out of authentic Yef-leather. Between the demand for more Yefeballs and the rather shortsighted nature of the Yeffians, they accidentally killed the last of the Yef-Yefs. Who’s fur is essential to making original Yefeballs. Since then, the Yeffians have had to make Yefeballs out of Wef-Wef fur, not Yef-Yef fur-

[ding]

-but the original Yefeballs are much better for Yeffing because-

[metal whirrs]

|Announcer: Pre-Recorded|

That concludes the ninth dating candidate. You are now allowed to use your appendages to select up to three dates. A first choice, second choice, and third choice. If your first choice doesn’t select you, you may move on to your second, and then your third. Alternatively, you can leave one or more places unselected, if you did not like any of the dating options. If all your option did not choose you, then you will be sent in for another round of the S.P.E.E.D. Dater. Please make your selection in the next five minutes.

*small pause*

Thank you for choosing Xethon Dating Service. Xethon, for when love is too hard.