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[artificial sound effects]

(vocal sound effects)

*unspoken context*

Greed

[magic sfx]

Traveler! You have gazed upon my pages! I am knowledge! I am forbidden! The secrets I hold are beyond mortal understan-!

[book shuts]

(muffled speech)

(deep breath)

How rude! I am a Tome of Infinite Words and you would just shut me mid-monologue?

[book shuts]

(angry muffled speech)

(deep breath)

What boldness possesses you?! Why do you keep opening and closing me?

*listener states*

My cover is shiny? Why would that-?

*small pause*

Oh Great Trees, deliver me from this hell. I thought you seemed short, but I assumed it was just my pedestal. You aren’t actually a goblin, are you?

*listener responds*

Of course, you are. Why would my first adventurer be anything normal?

*small pause*

Alright, buddy! We can have lots of fun, you and I. I can show you the secrets to getting lots of shiny things and tasty food! All you have to do is read my pages!

*listener comments*

You can’t read?

(angry shout)

I can’t work under conditions like this! The entire point of being hidden behind traps in a dungeon was to ensure clever adventurers were the only ones who gazed upon me!

[book shuts]

(deep breath)

I’d be really grateful if you stopped closing me. My pages have to breathe, that’s why I was on display pre-opened.

*listener comments*

Yes, I understand that my cover is shiny. It has a gold inlay. But I need you to focus for a few moments. Do you know anyone who can read?

*listener denies*

No?! What do you mean, no?! How can everyone you know be illiterate?! How do any of you survive?!

*listener reiterates*
With shiny things, and good food. Well, I suppose I shouldn’t have expected a complex answer from you. Tell me, do you get the food from other people?

*listener states*

A wizard gives you cookies sometimes? Why don’t we go talk to them? I’m sure a fellow magician will be smart enough to realize my value.

*pause*

I notice you haven’t moved. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this but, since the wizard is not here, and we are here, we need to go to wherever they are if we wish to talk to them.

*listener agrees*

Okay, I’m glad you understand. So, since I don’t have legs, I need you to pick me up and carry me to this wizard. Can you do that?

*listener denies*

No. Of course the answer is no.

(deep sigh)

And why, praytell, are you incapable of transporting me?

*listener states*

You don’t know where the wizard lives? Okay, where do you normally meet them?

*listener responds*

The wizard comes to your warren. Great, the thought of dealing with more goblins isn’t the least bit annoying.

*small pause*

Actually, I don’t suppose I could convince you to just leave me here? I’m sure another adventurer will roll around given a century or so.

*listener denies*

Oh, you actually remember that? Well, uh… Yes, I did say I could get you infinite shiny things if you read me, but… umm…

*small pause*

Infinity is actually really small and you don’t want it?

*listener disagrees*

Shoot, it was worth a try though. Tell you what, if you don’t take me, then your hands will be free and you can loot the corpses around my pedestal. Just, don’t question why they’re there.

*listener agrees*

Glad we could come to a deal. Make sure to check the one to my left. I think she was a mage, she should probably have something of value on her.

*listener finishes*

All done? Great. Well, that means you can head out! Don’t let the spike pit get you on the way back.

*listener disagrees*

What was that? It almost sounded like you said you’re hands were still free. But that can’t be right. One, there is no way your tiny goblin hands are holding all that loot and are still empty, and two, that would imply that you’re trying to take me too, and as we’ve stated, I’m off the menu.

*listener disagrees*

Hey! Stop touching me! I don’t want to go wherever you’re headed!

*listener continues*

Put me down! This doesn’t even make sense! I’m a magic book who could just be lying! Why would you leave all the real shinies behind for a chance at more shinies?

*listener comments*

You’re taking all the shinies? That doesn’t make sense. I’m the only thing you’re holding. And I don’t see a comically large knapsack on your back.

*listener clarifies*

You have a bag of holding? Oh, that’s not good. I certainly hope you don’t plan on putting me in there.

*listener disagrees*

Hey! Stop! Bad goblin! Don’t you dare-!

*audio is cut off as the bag closes*

*pause for time skip*

*listener releases speaker*

(screaming)

*thud*

(pained groan)

Goblin, I will ask you one time. Have you been putting food into this bag of holding?

*listener confirms*

I thought as much. Would you be surprised to find out that you failed to get it all out?

*listener confirms*

Of course, you are. Why would I expect any level of foresight from you?

(sigh)

So is this your warren?

*listener confirms*

How many other goblins make camp here?

*listener states*

(sigh)

And I’m sure they’re all just as, distractable as you?

*listener confirms*

Great. Goblin, if you would be so kind as to-

[book closes]

(angry muffled speech)

(deep breath)

Again?! I thought we got past this!

*listener states*

Ugh, I just…

(angry growl)

I can’t believe this is real. Is this punishment for killing those knowledge seekers? I probably deserve it.

*listener speaks*

Don’t console me, you’re the problem! And I don’t even get the satisfaction of killing your cookie dealer! I’ll have to wait for them to bring me to a more public area and then, “get lost”. It’s going to be a whole hassle and it’s all thanks to your gold lust.

*listener comments*

Yes, I promise not to kill the wizard. In fact, everyone can be happy with this arrangement. I get to be free of you, the wizard gets answers to various arcane questions, and I’m sure you can bargain for quite a few coins in exchange for me. If you keep all the goblins away from me, I’ll even speak on your behalf to ensure the best deal.

*listener thanks*
Don’t mention it. Just make sure your friends don’t spill stuff on me.

*small pause*

How long until that wizard comes by, anyway?

*listener states*

A week?!

(angry yell)

Just close me. Get a good look at my cover, I don’t even care.

[book shuts]

*pause*

(deep breath)

Satisfied?

*listener confirms*

Good. Now go away. I’ll be here whenever the wizard comes.

*listener agrees*

Yes, yes, best of wishes to you. Whatever else I need to tell you to get you away. Have a pleasant evening.