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This is the second script I've written where I've consciously thought, "Imma fill this with cat puns" and then I didn't. If anyone has any applicable cat puns, please, give them to me.

All use, paywalled, monetized, or otherwise is okay. All edits are great. Any added cat puns are wonderful and encouraged. Credit SplashiestPig.

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Key:

[Background SFX]

(SFX created by the speaker)

{Stage Direction}

*non-spoken context*

~emphasis~

A Mousy Purr-sonality

Oh, hi! You’re standing outside of my cubicle again. Do you need something?

*listener speaks*

Yeah, I’m going to punch out real soon. Why?

*listener deflects*

No, I don’t have any plans. Well actually, I was going to curl up with my favorite book tonight. I got a new box of tea, and I wanted to test it out. Seemed like perfect weather for blankets and…

*small pause*

I’m sorry, I’m oversharing. What were you saying?

*listener smirks*

It is ~not~ cute when I talk about reading! And you can’t just say things like that in an office!

*listener stares*

Oh, you know I don’t like it when you get that look on your face! Please, just tell me what’s going through your head.

*listener responds*

Yes, on Wednesday, exactly twenty-three days ago, you were hungry, and I let you eat my lunch. Why are you bringing this up now?

*listener states*

You want to pay me back? Oh, that’s great! So, as you may remember, you ate my grilled cheese sandwich, my mixed bag of granola, and my yogurt cup. Do you have those things, or is this more of a food-for-money transaction?

*listener retorts*

That’s not what you meant? I don’t understand. How else could you pay me back?

*listener offers*

Take me out? Like, to a place that sells food? With you? I’m sorry, but I just remembered I have somewhere to be. I’ll have to take a rain check on that payment. Sorry!

*listener obstructs*

Hey…

(nervous chuckle)

…you’re standing in the cubicle entrance and… I can’t really get past you. Would you mind, stepping to the side?

*listener denies*

Yeah, I was worried you’d say that. And I thought we retired that nickname. But if you aren’t ready too, I’m sure we can have a lengthy conversation about-!

*speaker bolts*

[paper rustles]

*listener pounces*

[light thud]

(sound of struggle)

Come on! Get off me! I wasn’t running! I was just jumping over the cubicle wall for fun!

*listener doubts*

Honest! I wasn’t trying to escape the conversation! I just… saw a piece of cheese running away?

*listener denies*

Fine, I was trying to escape! And it would have worked if it wasn’t for those cat reflexes of yours. I swear you were ready to pounce the moment you laid eyes on me.

*listener teases*

{flustered}

You were ready because you pounce on things you like?

*small pause*

No! You always do this! You get me alone, trapped, then you do everything you can to fluster me! Well, it’s not going to work! We’re just co-workers and I-!

*listener moves*

Are you… purring? That feels… really nice actually. Your fur is really soft, too.

*listener offers*

{flustered}

Pet you?! No! That would be-!

(deep breath)

I’m not going to let your antics get to me. If it will get you off me, I will accept your offer of eating together.

*listener responds*

You know, it’s really unfair to call me short. As far as mouse-kin go, I’m perfectly average. You’re just tall! You never see cats above six foot, then you come, strutting in, acting like you’re the normal one, and I’m the anomaly!

*listener retorts*

Yeah, jaguars are technically big cats, but that doesn’t change anything. Even lions and tigers don’t usually get to be your height. So if either of us should have a nickname, it should be you!

*listener comments*

No, I’m not trying to give you a pet name! A pet name would suggest endearment. Or a tier of affection that is usually reserved for those who are dating! And we are ~not~ dating!

*listener questions*

{flustered}

Do I want us to be dating? I… I…

*speaker shuts down*

I’m not hiding in my ears! And if I was, it would be for some unrelated reason! Not to hide a blush, so… don’t think that’s what’s happening!

\listener teases**

Stop it! It’s not cute! Let’s just go to wherever you have planned!

*listener agrees*

*pause for time-skip*

Thanks for driving us here. I haven’t renewed my license in a while.

*small pause*

So, what kind of food do they serve here?

(affirmative sounds)

That sounds great but, I don’t see any of that on the menu.

*listener comments*

Secret menu? That sounds fun. What’s the best thing on it?

*listener states*

Are you… messing with me right now?

*listener denies*

It just seems like that kind of dish wouldn’t be at a place like this. Are you trying to get me to order it and then… I don’t know, the waiters laugh at me or something?

*listener denies*

You’re sure this isn’t a prank?

*listener assures*

I really want to believe you, but you’re doing that, “I’ve done a bad thing” smile. Like when you rubbed catnip all over my cubicle.

*listener comments*

That was not funny! Catnip might be nice for you, but it is very repelling to Genus: Mus! I had to work in the break room for three days!

*listener assures*

You know what? I don’t believe you. I am sure that there is no secret menu, and you’re trying to trick me.

*listener offers*

You’ll order for me? Well, I guess that avoids any risk on my part.

*small pause*

Fine, just pick something you think I’d like.

*pause for time skip*

Wow, this looks really good. Honestly, I thought you’d pick something weird to mess with me.

(sniff)

It smells great too!

(bite)

{mouth full}

This tastes even better! Thanks for taking me here!

*listener remarks*

Yeah, this is a great first date!

*small pause*

Wait a second. Is this a date?!

*listener agrees*

No, that can’t be right. Because if this is a date, then that means we’re on a date, together.

*listener agrees*

But if we’re on a date together… with no one else around… and this isn’t a prank… then that would mean…

*listener waits*

Oh, sweet cheese! The signs were there from the start! You’re trying to court me!

*listener smiles*

Woah, keep your tail to yourself! No matter how fluffy it may be!

*listener ignores*

No, don’t wrap it around my leg! That’s romantically charged! That’s what cat-kin do when they’re making a pass at someone!

{flustered}

You can’t just-! I don’t want to-!

(whine)

This is really confusing!

*listener comments*

(deep breath)

Yes, it’s confusing. You’re always confusing! Sometimes you act all soft and cuddly, but then sometimes, you're like a hungry predator! And you’re so big, and probably very strong, and definitely really hot, and-!

*small pause*

Did I just say that out loud?

*listener questions*

{flustered}

No, I’m not saying I’m attracted to you! I just-!

*listener chuckles*

Don’t laugh at me! This is very difficult! You’re way out of my league, and there are tons of other people you could have at the office! People who are objectively, more desirable than me! Are you just toying with me? Is this an elaborate game of cat and mouse to you?

*listener objects*

You actually like me? Just for myself?

*small pause*

I don’t believe that. I won’t believe that! You’re smart and funny and flirty and a predator species so you’ve got that going on, and I’m just a mouse! I don’t have fun colors, or cool eyes, or even a natural affinity for anything! I just read and burrow into blankets!

*listener speaks*

Do you really think that’s cute?

*listener responds*

I… I don’t know what to say. No one’s ever really pursued a romantic relationship with me before. I’ve never been this far.

*small pause*

Can you just, drive me home? I ~do~ want to date you, but I think I need a couple days to process this.

*listener agrees*

Thank you.

*pause for time skip*

This one’s mine. Thanks for getting me here.

*listener responds*

Thanks for the meal too. Even if you kind of owed me. It was nice.

*small pause*

I’m sorry if I messed up your date plans. I just wasn’t ready for someone to be that… nice, I guess.

*listener speaks*

A way to make it up to you? Yeah, what-.

*listener hugs speaker*

Wow, I already knew you were bigger than me, but it’s really evident with this hug.

*small pause*

Your fur smells good. Kind of like chai.

*listener stops hugging*

That was really nice. I… I’d like to do this again sometime. If that’d be okay with you.

*listener agrees*

I’ll look forward to it.

[door opens]

Before you go, can I… can I ask you something?

*listener responds*

Okay, this might be a dumb question, especially after everything we did today but, are you ~sure~ you want to date me?

*listener affirms*

Thanks for answering. I just… I wanted to make sure.

[door closes]