Google Doc with Better Formatting

All use, monetized, paywalled, or otherwise is great. Any amount of edits are acceptable. Credit SplashiestPig.

This script calls for 2 Masculine and 1 Feminine voices. However, you could easily gender-swap these characters. I just kept it MMF4F for the most accuracy to Greek Lore.

Key:

[Background SFX]

(SFX created by the speaker)

{Stage Direction}

*non-spoken context*

~emphasis~

|Character One|

|Character Two|

|Character Three|

A Big Ducking Problem

|Poseidon|

Hestia!

|Zeus|

Hestia!

We need your help with something!

|Poseidon|

Zeus is being a huge egomaniac again!

|Zeus|

I am not!

|Poseidon|

Oh, you definitely are!

|Zeus|

Do we need to step outside or something?

|Poseidon|

Like you’d ever fight fair.

|Zeus|

I would!

|Poseidon|

No, you wouldn’t!

|Zeus|

I swear, when we sort this out, I am going to-!

|Poseidon|

Hestia! You’re here! Thanks for coming.

|Zeus|

Poseidon and I are having a bit of a tiff, and we thought you could mediate it for us. After all, you are our much wiser, calmer, and might I add, lovely, older sister.

|Poseidon|
Hestia! Zeus is trying to butter you up so you take his side! Make him stop!

|Zeus|

I am doing no such thing!

|Poseidon|

Yes, you are!

|Zeus|

No, I’m not!

|Poseidon|

Yes, you are!

|Zeus|

No, I’m-!

*Hestia interjects*

|Zeus|

Come to the hearth? Yeah, that’s a great idea!

|Poseidon|

I agree. I think that a warm hearth and your strict glare would do us both wonders.

*small pause*

|Poseidon|

Do we remember the hearth rules? Of course! No weapons.

|Zeus|

No fighting.

|Together|

And Hestia is always right.

*Hestia speaks*

|Poseidon|

You are so right, Hestia. And it would be rude to speak over one another, so we should tell the story one at a time. I should go first.

|Zeus|

Hestia! Poseidon isn’t playing fair! I’m supposed to go first!

|Poseidon|

You always go first! Give someone else a turn every once in a while!

|Zeus|

I go first because I’m the best! When you’re King of the Gods, you can go first!

|Poseidon|

Don’t tempt me. I’m down for a little regicide any day of the week!

*Hestia interjects*

|Poseidon|

Sorry, Hestia. You’re right again. We’ll flip a coin.

*small pause*

In fact, I happen to have a drachma right here. If you’d be so kind as to flip it.

|Zeus|

Wait! Check and make sure that it’s a fair coin. I won’t have my chances squashed by a piece of weighted gold!

*Hestia checks*

|Zeus|

Okay, I want heads.

|Poseidon|

No, I want heads!

*Hestia interjects*

|Poseidon|

Fine. I’ll take tails.

[coin flips]

|Zeus|

Heads! Looks like the fates agree with me! Zeus always goes first, baby!

|Poseidon|

Yeah, yeah, don’t get all smug about it.

*Hestia commands*

|Poseidon|

If that’s what you want, Hestia, I’ll go while Zeus tells his story. But I want you to keep an open mind for when it’s my turn!

*Hestia agrees*

|Poseidon|

Alright, I’ll go find something to entertain myself with for a bit.

*Poseidon walks away*

|Zeus|

Finally, I thought he’d never leave!

*small pause*

Okay, so here’s what happened. I was cruising through the sky with Helios. He gets lonely sometimes, so I visit him every once in a while.

*small pause*

So I’m floating my way through the sky, when I realize, I’m just outside of Olympia. I know about this little tavern halfway between Olympia and Cornith, and the mortals there are about four percent off cracking the recipe for ambrosia. It’s not perfect, but it’s still pretty good, and it’s fun to masquerade as a mortal every once in a while. So I bid my farewells to Helios and head down to see what’s happening.

*small pause*

So, I get a few drinks, and I’ll be the first to admit, I may have gotten a little intoxicated. And I hear this idiot speaking absolute blasphemies about us Olympians. Specifically, blasphemies about which Gods are patrons of which animals. It kind of strikes a nerve, so I go up to him and correct his fool-hardy beliefs. With a right hook to the jaw.

*small pause*

I thought I was going to cream the sorry little mortal, but to my surprise, he takes it and swings back at me. Now we’re going at it. We’re brawling, he slammed a chair on my head, I threw him outside, and I decide enough is enough. I reach up to the sky and planned to strike this mortal with lightning. The second I get the bolt in my hand, the ground starts to shake, and he hits me with a wicked uppercut. An uppercut I recognize.

*small pause*

I don’t know why, but sure enough, this “mortal” was Posideon in disguise! That just made the gross inaccuracies worse!

*small pause*

Now, once again, I’ll admit. I may have gone a little overboard. I kind of, may have, planned, to kill him. But in my defense, he was thinking the same thing! I could see it in his eyes! Then the bartender, the bravest girl I ever met, runs out and stands between us. She pieced everything together and knew we were about to cause some real chaos. So she begged that if we had to fight, we take it to Olympus. That way the mortals wouldn’t get hurt. Poseidon, that prick, disagreed. He didn’t care about the suffering he might inflict.

*small pause*

But then the girl did something that frankly, I think was really hot. She stood her ground and said, “If you two are going to tear each other to pieces, you may as well talk to Hestia first. She can probably knock some sense into you and prevent this whole thing.”

*small pause*

Now, Poseidon hears this, and he agrees. I think he was just scared to fight me, but I don’t care. I agree too, and we come looking for you. End of story.

*Hestia speaks*

Really, you don’t have any questions about any of this? I thought-.

*Hestia responds*

Oh, you just want to hear Posideon’s side before you decide on anything. Okay, but when he starts lying up a storm, you better not believe him!

*pause*

|Poseidon|

Hey, Hestia. Zeus came and found me. Said you were ready to hear my side?

*Hestia agrees*

Great! So basically, I was chilling in Corinth, right? I was checking in on what the mortals thought about the old Poseidon brand. This lady is in town for some supplies. She tells me she runs a bar on the path between Olympia and Corinth. I think to myself, “Olympia is Zeus’ turf, so a bar halfway between. A place where everyone is nice and ~loose-lipped~ about their opinions. That’ll be the best place to get an accurate image of the mortals.”

*small pause*

I offer to travel with this lady. And she was great. Honestly, I kind of spilled my guts a bit and basically told her that I was Poseidon. Didn’t even phase her. I thought she didn’t believe me, so I start regaling her with my tales of greatness. We get to the tavern, and she’s got a special concoction there. It was like ambrosia, but fermented? Regardless, I was tearing it up. And, I’ll admit, I may have gotten a little drunk. So, I’m there, harmlessly talking about my accomplishments, when some stupid mortal walks up and slugs me!

*small pause*

It didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t let that behavior stand. I swing back, he slams a chair on my head, yadda yadda. Until eventually we’re outside, and I decide enough is enough, I’m going to hit him with an uppercut and finish this.

*small pause*

As soon as my fist connects, I feel this little, ~shock~. Then I realized how this mortal held up against me so well! It was Zeus, in disguise, no doubt trying to have his way with a mortal woman or something.

*small pause*

Then Zeus gets this look in his eye. It’s the same look he had when he stuffed Ares in that jar. So I know he means business. I’m getting ready to rock him when that lady runs out. The gigs up, and she’s figured out that Zeus was Zeus and not some random guy. She wants us to stop fighting, but I can tell Zeus isn’t going to back down. Then she pulls the smartest move I’ve ever seen. She suggests that we go talk to you and you’ll just sort through our problems for us. I like that idea, so I agree. And then Zeus agrees, probably to get in the girl’s pants. So we made our way up Mt. Olympus and found you. And that’s the whole story.

*Hestia speaks*

Discrepancies? What do you mean?

*Hestia comments*

Zeus told a different story than I? Well of course he did, he’s a baby and a liar! Don’t believe a word he says!

*Hestia commands*

You want Zeus and me to stay on Mt. Olympus? Okay, but where are you going?

*Hestia leaves*

Hestia! Wait!

*pause for time skip*

[door opens]

[tavern ambiance]

|Athena|

Oh hey Hestia! I never see you in mortal form. What’s up?

*Hestia questions*

Yeah, it’s Athena! Your niece. Goddess of War. Is this ringing any bells?

*Hestia questions*

What am I doing here? What do you mean? This is my tavern.

*Hestia questions*

Yeah, I run a tavern on the weekends. I like being around the mortals in small doses. Why?

*Hestia questions*

Yeah, Zeus and Poseidon were in earlier today. They got into a little bit of a tussle, so I sent them up to your hearth. I thought you could smooth things over.

*Hestia comments*

Yeah, those two meatheads came in, got absolutely blackout drunk, and then started fighting. I was pretty sure they were going to level my bar, so I got rid of them. Poseidon wanted to impress me so he said yes, Zeus hit on me, which was kind of weird, but it’s probably because they were both too dim to recognize me in mortal form.

*Hestia asks*

Why were they fighting? What, didn’t they tell you?

*Hestia speaks*

Ah, just like them to embellish the story beyond reality.

*small pause*

Well, long story short. Poseidon was traipsing through Corinth. For some reason, he starts trying to impress me with his godhood. I literally couldn’t care less and that gets to him. He’s telling stories about how great he is. We make it to my bar, he gets drunk, Zeus shows up, and he gets drunk too. Poseidon makes some offhand comments about how he’s the patron god of ducks. This rubs Zeus the wrong way, and he punched him. Poseidon punches back, things escalate, and before you know it, they’re outside, ready to cause a natural disaster over some waterfowl. Then I sent them away.

*Hestia questions*

Yeah, the whole fight was about which one of them was in charge of ducks. Stupid thing to fight over if you ask me. Especially if you consider that Penelope is actually the duck girl.

*Hestia questions*

Yeah, Penelope. She married some hero that Poseidon hated. Odysseus, I think. I’m sure you were at the wedding.

*Hestia walks*

Leaving so soon? Don’t you want a drink?

*Hestia speaks*

Maybe some other time. Slap some sense into my dad for me!

[tavern ambiance ends]

*pause for time skip*

|Zeus|

Hestia! You’re back!

|Poseidon|

Where’d you go?

*Hestia responds*

|Poseidon|

You went to the tavern we fought at. Why, did you gather clues or something?

|Zeus|

I, for one, think that was a great decision, Hestia. Yet another moment of incredible wisdom from you.

|Poseidon|

Hestia! Zeus is doing it again!

|Zeus|

I’m not doing anything I just-!

*Hestia stops them*

|Together|

Yes, Hestia.

|Poseidon|

So, who are you going to side with?

*Hestia questions*

|Zeus|

Yes, about the duck thing! That’s the whole reason we’re here! This plebian thinks he’s in charge of ducks because they swim on the water, but they don’t even swim in oceans! On the contrary, they fly in my sky, so they’re mine!

|Poseidon|

That’s a weak argument! I don’t have to only pick animals that are sea-themed! I can lay claim to any creature, and when we were picking lots, I’m pretty sure I got ducks!

|Zeus|

No, I’m one-hundred percent sure that I snagged ducks!

*Hestia interjects*

|Zeus|

Who?

|Poseidon|

Yeah, I have no idea who that is.

*Hestia explains*

|Poseidon|

You’re telling me this Penelope girl is associated with ducks because bird eggs symbolize new beginnings?

|Zeus|

That’s stupid.

|Poseidon|

I know, right?

*Hestia speaks*

|Zeus|

Yeah, I guess if neither of us can have ducks, then I’m fine with everything.

|Poseidon|

Hold on, I’m not! You punched me in the middle of a pleasant afternoon! I demand retribution!

|Zeus|

Do you want a free punch on me?

|Poseidon|

Yes, I’d say that’d do it.

|Zeus|

Swing away then.

[Poseidon punches Zeus]

|Zeus|

We good?

|Poseidon|

Yeah, I’m happy.

|Zeus|

Well then, that’s that. Thanks for your help, Hestia.

|Poseidon|

You were a lifesaver!

|Zeus|

I’ll be sure to visit the hearth sometime!

|Poseidon|

Yeah! Me too! Unless I get busy or don’t want to. See you next reunion!

*Gods walk away*