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Key:

[Background SFX]

*non-spoken context*

~emphasis~

Hampered Hoodie Heist

[phone beeps]

Hey sweetie! My love bunny. My favorite person in the world. This is the fourth time I’ve tried to call you. Which only came after, eight texts, three snaps, an email, and a messenger pigeon. I just want to talk honey. You’re not in trouble, I just want answers. But since you haven’t been picking up, I’ve been forced to do a little ~detective work~.

*small pause*

I noticed a few things missing from my wardrobe. My yellow pastel hoodie, my grey workout hoodie, my blue heated hoodie, are you seeing the pattern here? Seventeen hoodies, all missing. It’s a ludicrous number for it to just be a coincidence, right?

*small pause*

It’s crazy that I even ~have~ seventeen hoodies, but we both know there is a very valid reason behind that. You always take them. Whenever you come over, you go all ~raccoon that saw a shiny thing~ on me. You start looking for any opportunity to snag a hoodie and flee the building. While I shower, when I sleep, hell, one time you did it right in front of me and just ran! And then I always catch you, and you're just doing something cute with them, so I let you keep them for a bit, and then they disappear off the face of the earth.

*small pause*

But it would be unfair to just blame you. After all, I haven’t heard your side of the story! Maybe a master home invader broke into my apartment while you were there and stole all my hoodies, and then kidnapped you. That would explain why you aren’t responding, however, there aren’t any signs of a struggle here. Either the mystery thief got the drop on you, unlikely considering your incredible hearing, or they knew you and you let them in. Unlikely, because none of your friends are hoodie thieves. I would know, I started doing background checks.

*small pause*

So then I thought about some greater forces that could have made this situation. Maybe I’ve fallen into an alternate dimension. One where you never existed, so I never bought my seventeen hoodies. Thus nothing was stolen, and there would be no ~you~ to answer my calls. One small problem, you left various pieces of evidence at the crime scene. The most damning of which being, your house keys. Your house keys, that live on the ring ~I~ bought you when we went on vacation.

*small pause*

Now, I’m pretty sure alternate dimension me wouldn’t be renting a second flat that coincidentally was your home. Maybe I do, I could just have had some weird priorities in this new life. But I know for a fact, that no version of me would be caught dead with a Florida-themed dolphin keychain. So I’m pretty sure that this belongs to you.

*small pause*

If that’s the case, then we’re left with one final option. You stole the hoodies, and in your hasty retreat, dropped your keys. Now, I don’t think I need to explain why that would be awful for you, but I’m kind of villain monologuing anyway, so I will. If you don’t have your keys, that means you can’t go home. You always insisted on ~not~ keeping a spare key and that’s really coming back to bite you. If you can’t go home, then you’ll be forced to meander until you can think of somewhere to stash the hoodies.

*small pause*

If you found somewhere suitable, then you could return to my place, pretend to be shocked by the hoodie theft, and recover your keys to go finish the crime.

*small pause*

With this in mind, I’ll be keeping your keys on my person. At any time, you can call, and I’ll be happy to deliver them straight to you. All you would have to do is tell me your exact location, and sit still.

*small pause*

But if I’m right about your involvement in Grand Theft Hoodie, then you won’t be willing to turn yourself in like that, will you? Fortunately, I planned for that too.

*small pause*

You see, sweetheart. We’ve been together for a long time. And I love you very much. So I’ve been studying you quite a bit. Mostly unintentionally, but still, I’ve noticed a lot of little things about you.

*small pause*

Like what roads you prefer to avoid. What parking lots you know you can hideout in. What stores you like to look inconspicuous in. The parks you like, the shelter you visit, and, here’s the best one, that typically, you don’t carry cash. In fact, you usually keep three cards in your wallet. Your debit, which should be near empty by now, it’s nowhere near payday. Your credit, which you hate using because you’re weird like that. And our shared checking account. Which I can lock whenever I so choose.

*small pause*

Remember when I topped off your tank a while back? I do. I remember that I filled your tank completely. Your fourteen-gallon tank. In your car that gets an absolute maximum of twenty-six miles to the gallon. I’ve been doing the math and between your commute, the outings we’ve taken this week, and the back-and-forth of visiting each other, I think you’ve got about thirty miles left, tops.

*small pause*

It’s probably been about fifteen minutes since you committed the crime. So if you’ve been driving this whole time, then you are getting dangerously low on gas. With no chance for a refill in sight.

*small pause*

I imagine you’ll listen to this voicemail as soon as I finish recording it. So you’ll realize everything I said is true, and that I’m right on your tail. You’ll panic and try to do the most unpredictable thing you can think of before it’s too late.

*small pause*

I can practically see you now. You’re probably wearing the red hoodie, I know it’s your favorite. Probably driving south so the sun won’t be in your eyes. Maybe you stopped for food at that Mexican place. A number three with a large sprite, right? You heard all this, and then took a left turn at the next light, since normally you hate turning across traffic. And now you’re kicking yourself because I’ve been reading you like a book. Does that all sound about right?

*small pause*

It’s fine that you aren’t here to answer because I know I’m right.

*small pause*

So, I’m going to hop in my car and catch up to you. You’re not in danger, I’m not going to do anything drastic. I’ll just be taking my hoodies back. Then we can gas up your car and do something fun tonight. I’m thinking… something involving sewing and GPS trackers. Oh well, we’ll figure it out together. See you soon, honey.

[phone clicks]