Google Doc with better formatting

All use; monetized, paywalled, or otherwise, is okay. Any edits, improvs, adlibs, audios, or omissions, are acceptable. Credit SplashiestPig. And I'd love to see any finished products.

Key:

[Background SFX]

(SFX created by the speaker)

{Stage Direction}

*non-spoken context*

The NPC

[generic fantasy music]

{listing things off}

Main story quests; one-hundred percent, side quests; one-hundred percent, collectibles; one-hundred percent, loyalty quests; ninety-two percent.

(sigh)

Alright, they might have a terrible questline, but it’s the last thing I need. Let’s just speed through this and then I can be done.

[door opens]

{mockingly}

Hello traveler! I have many goods and wares! And a few tips, if that’s what you’re interested in.

{casually}

I know, I’ve heard this all before. Why don’t you just tell me about your big problem?

{mockingly}

I lost my travel medallion in my move. Do you think you can find it for me?

{casually}

Yep, yep. I’ve searched all the towns you could have moved from, only to get the mission update, to “come back empty-handed”. So I’m guessing you’re going to reveal that you actually had it close by all along.

[listener speaks]

Oh, it was in your inventory the whole time? Who could have known? Now, let’s complete this quest and move on to the pledge quest.

*pause*

Hey buddy, you got you’re bauble back, so progress your questline.

*pause*

Hey pal, I’m talking to you!

(sigh)

Probably a bug. Here let’s just…

[save sound]

*abrupt skip*

[door opens]

{hurried}

Hello traveler, I have many goods and wares. Select “big problem”. You lost your medallion. It’s in your pocket. Yay! Quest over, now progress!

*small pause*

Great, you’ve frozen up. That’s exactly what I wanted.

(annoyed grunt)

If you do this another time, I swear…

[save sound]

*abrupt skip*

[door opens]

{annoyed}

Hello traveler, I have many who cares. Tell me about your big problem. You lost your medallion, it’s in your pocket, woo. Ready to function now?

*listener pauses*

Finally, I dialogue prompt. Yes, I am the adventurer of the lands you’ve heard so much about. You’re a clever one, aren’t you?

*listener questions*

“Have I noticed anything strange lately?” Other than a few game-breaking bugs, nope, not a thing.

*listener continues*

Oh, you can’t remember what’s been happening. Probably something in the water, do you want me to go check the town’s well or something?

*listener comments*

You’ve been hearing a noise then you have a hard time recalling. Maybe it’s some weird monster. Want to point me in the right direction so I can get out of your shop?

*pause*

Thank you for your time.

{talking to themself}

Okay, quest. Let’s pin it first.

*small pause*

No marker to follow, that’s annoying. Anything in the quest’s dialogue?

*small pause*

Nope, this is fluff. Am I really going to have to hop on the wiki for some stupid starter quest?

[save sound]

*complete silence*

*pause*

*any background music restarts*

{irked}

Alright, I don’t know what’s up with you but this isn’t your intended quest. You’re supposed to do; medallion recovery, a bread fetch quest, an escort mission, then the romance option. Not this whole slay the monster thing. Are you loading an unfinished quest right now or something?

*pause*

You don’t want to talk, that’s fine. Let’s just…

[save sounds]

[door opens]

{annoyed}

Don’t talk to me, I’m busy.

{robotically}

Backtick key, console dot debug, open parentheses closed parenthesis, semicolon, enter.

{miffed}

Okay, let’s do this nice and slow. I’m the traveler, you have many wares, but I don’t want to see them. I want to do your medallion quest.

*listener objects*

You already have your medallion, that’s good. I don’t know why you found it this time, but I don’t care. Do you have any other quests for me?

*listener begins*

Uh-huh, you need me to get some bread from the bakery two towns over. That’s good. Now just give me the quest, and that’ll be that.

*listener freezes*

Great, you’re stuck again. I’m going to have to do this step-by-step, aren’t I? Alright merchant I’ll play your game.

[save sound]

[door opens]

{faking happiness}

Hello, my good merchant! I don’t suppose you’ve found your medallion? Oh, you already have? That’s wonderful! Is there anything else, I can do for you?

*small pause*

The bread quest, you know, I had almost forgotten about that one. I’ll get right on that, pal!

[door closes]

[door opens]

Here it is. One fresh-baked loaf of bread. Are you ready to take it?

*listener agrees*

Splendid! Here you go!

*listener pauses*

I said here you go! Take the bread, please.

*listener pauses*

{annoyed}

And we were doing so well.

[save sound]

[door opens]

{less convincing happiness}

I got your bread. Take it.

*listener accepts*

That’s more like it. I don’t suppose you have any other quests for me?

*listener speaks*

You’d want me, the legendary hero who’s slain gods and kings, to walk you to the edge of the forest, and help you pick berries? Of course, that’s not at all beneath me, and I’m sure you’re walking speed won’t be painfully slow. After you, my fair burden.

[door opens and closes]

{annoyed}

Yep, I’m sure it’s been so long since you stretched your legs. Almost like it’s been seventy-eight hours, twenty-two minutes, and sixteen seconds since this world came into existence. But who’s counting?

*listener pauses*

Really, that froze you up? Now I have to walk again.

[save sound]

[door opens and closes]

{feigning happiness}

Not too far to the forest. We’ll be there in two shakes of a rabbit’s tail. Do you want to talk about anything while we walk?

*listener idle dialogues*

Yep, it is beautiful weather we’re having.

*listener idle dialogues*

Mmhmm, I’m sure this specific harvest, and no others, is especially plentiful.

*listener idle dialogues*

{annoyed}

What did you just say?

*listener speaks*

Yep, there you go again on that wrong questline.

(groan)

One second, please…

[save sound]

[door opens and closes]

{feigning delight}

Yep, I’ll be there in one second, just give me a moment before we start walking.

{robotically}

Backtick key, console dot debug, open parentheses closed parenthesis, semicolon, enter.

{delighted}

There we go, I’m ready for our walk.

*listener speaks*

“Was that some ancient spell”? Wow, this game is too meta sometimes.

(exhale)

Yep, that was just a really old spell, that I learned while adventuring, no need to ask about it. Do you want to talk about anything while we walk?

*listener idle dialogues*

Yes, it is beautiful weather we are having.

*listener idle dialogues*

Yes, the harvest has been well.

*listener idle dialogues*

I’m sure the mayor is just awful. Even if he’s been gone for days now, and I’m the leader of this town.

*small pause*

Here we are! Five patches of berry bushes, spaced just far enough apart to annoy me. Start picking and I’ll just sit here for no particular reason.

*listener idle dialogues*

Why’d you just say the mayor line again? I swear, if you’re getting ready to crash on me, I’m going to be angry.

[wolf growl]

Oh, look, a pack of wolves that are here to everyone’s surprise!

[magical woosh]

Oh, the spell I coincidentally pre-placed one-shot them all! Crazy how that works, right?

*listener idle dialogues*

Yep, the mayor is awful. Such strong political opinions you have, I sure hope someone fixes that mayor problem. In say, a three-part questline, forty hours ago.

*listener pauses*

And you’ve frozen up again.

(groan)

I’m going to have to do the walk all over again. Maybe I’ll use a stronger debug…

[save sound]

[door opens and closes]

Yep, one moment, please.

{robotically}

Backtick key, console dot clear caches, open parentheses closed parenthesis, semicolon, enter.

Backtick key, console dot debug, open parentheses closed parenthesis, semicolon, enter.

{as if speaking to a dog}

Alright, let’s go pick some berries.

*listener idle dialogues*

Yes, the weather is very good.

*listener idle dialogues*

The harvest has been incredible.

*listener idle dialogues*

“The water tastes just fine”?

{quietly}

I guess that’s better than the mayor line.

{as if speaking to a dog}

Here we are. I’m going to ready my very impressive, not starter sword. So that if anything comes to hurt you, we will be prepared.

[wolves growl]

Oh no, four wolves! It’ll be a tough fight, but I think I’ll prevail.

*pause*

The wolves are slain, fair merchant, you may continue on your way!

*listener speaks*

Yes, you no longer need my escort. Go home and I may return in a few days. Now be on your way.

{talking to themself}

Let’s just wait and skip a bit. A few days is probably enough.

[door opens and closes]

{loudly}

Hello, merchant! I am here to…

{confused}

They still aren’t here? Really?

[door opens and closes]

Oh, that must be…

*small pause*

The door just open and closed and nothing came through? Cool. Guess I’ll debug again.

{robotically}

Backtick key, player dot select, open parentheses closed parenthesis, semicolon, enter.

{confused}

Wait, that’s the wrong command. I could have sworn I typed it right.

[door opens and closes]

Oh hey, you’re here. And with an outfit change no less. I suppose that’ll be good for our first date.

{robotically}

Backtick key, delete selected dot cache open parentheses closed parenthesis, semicolon, enter.

{confused}

Wait, no-!

[music stops]