Shapeshifter: Ok… so now they all think I’m a doctor… that’s just great… good job, I was just here to pick up my prescription… I really need to stop changing form to fit in whenever I feel anxious…

nurse: ‘ah doctor, good to see you finally arrived, your patient is ready for you’

Shapeshifter: wait… patient?

nurse: the appendectomy, they’re in theatre right now, follow me

Shapeshifter: wait what hold on I-

(door open/close)

nurse: here, sorry to dump this on you and leave but we’re really busy right now, there’s a guy waiting in A&E with an arrow in his shoulder I need to get back to, but I’m sure you’ll be fine, it’s a pretty simple procedure.

Shapeshifter: wait you can’t just-

(door opens closes)

Shapeshifter: leave me here… oh great… now what do I do… I can’t just leave them here… um… hi… patient, I’m your… surgeon for today… what seems to be the problem? Oh right the appendicitis… no no I knew, I was just testing if… you… knew… Well… do you have any pain? Right right sorry… stupid question… it’s… standard procedure? You know how it is… I… think I’m supposed to put you under now? I mean unless you’d rather be awake for this? No? Thought not… ok let me have a look here… ok here we are… the gas mask and…. Anaesthetic… I think, ok so… I just put this over your mouth have you count to 10… ok here we go

…well their eyes are shut? Hey… patient… are you awake… nope… out like a light… and their heart is still beating… huh… I’ve never anaesthetised someone before… I mean it would be weird if I had but… anyway. Um… what next…. They’re already on the table… what was it they said was wrong with the patient? ‘appendicitis’… what’s that?... ‘Appendicitis is a painful swelling of the appendix’… ok seems simple enough… what’s the appendix?...’The appendix is a narrow finger-shaped pouch that projects from the colon’… ok… and I’m supposed to get rid of it right? I mean it’s called ‘the appendix’ so it’s probably not necessary… right??’ ugh all this time disguising myself as humans and I’ve never even had to think about the insides let alone what parts are necessary…

Ok so if I just make an incision here…

(door opening)

nurse: Oh hello doctor, I just wanted to check in on how you’re doing

Shapeshifter: oh um… hi yes, everything’s going… going great here… I was just about to start the operation

nurse: great, I’ll be back later once you’re finished to take them back to their ward, best of luck!

Shapeshifter: um… you too?

(door closes)

Shapeshifter: no pressure then… ok where was I… oh right… I was just about to cut into someone… it’s ok… you’ve watched enough medical dramas to know what to do, it’s gonna be fine… this is definitely a scalpel… I think… ok if I just cut here… oh

Oh that’s um… yes that’s blood… that’s supposed to be inside humans right?... ok so I’m looking for the colon... according to google that should be lower down around here?

This is so weird… this is all the stuff that’s supposed to be inside me in this form?? It’s a good thing I only have to know what the outside looks like… this would be a nightmare to maintain… not to mention it’s honestly pretty gross… why’s that thing pulsating like that…. Wait… that’s the heart? But I thought it was shaped like… those card companies lied to me again… um… right I’m getting distracted… the colon is towards the bottom right?... oh here it is… and I’m looking for a… finger shaped thing coming off it… but… everything in here is finger shaped… is there like… a sizing guide here?... ok here we go… 5-10 cm long… so it’s definitely not this squiggly thing… hmm… It all kinda looks the same in here, I mean everything was different colours in those pictures but here it’s all just… fleshy coloured… wait hang on… Is that it…

Wait… that doesn’t look like it’s supposed to be there, it’s all swollen and… wait, nevermind that’s why I’m supposed to be taking it out in the first place… do I just like… cut it off?... let me look this up before I do anything… ok so I’m supposed to used carbon dioxide gas to make it easier to see… would have been good to know a while ago… put in a… lap… a laparo… laparoscope? To see what I’m doing inside? What’s… oh this thing… hang on… oh hey it has a little camera on it… that’s helpful… gross but helpful… ok what else… tie the appendix off with stitches and remove it through one of the incisions… wait stitches? Like… sewing stitches… wait… that’s what this thread is for? … good thing I have practice sewing from cosplay… ok here go… tying off the appendix and… cut… that went pretty smoothly… now I’ve just got to take it out… woah… it looks even weirder outside than it did inside… where should I… you know what I’ll just put it on the side here… so… I guess I just have to… close you up right? should be pretty simple?... Oh right I should probably take the camera out first-

Okay… now I can stitch you back up… that feels weird to say… (pause) ok, there we go… patient stitched up, check… appendix removed… check… all equipment that went in has been taken out… check… and heartbeat… check, alright I’d call that a successful procedure… especially for my first time with no prior training. I should probably get out of here before that nurse comes back… ah that window looks just big enough for me to go through.

Well… thank you for your… patient-age… your appendix has successfully been removed and you will be moved back to your ward to recover, thank you for flying with us- wait no that’s pilots… I’m just gonna go…

(cat noise)

Nurse: Hi doctor all done here-… doctor… are you here?... wait was that a cat?

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please credit using: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHlqaz-C2ZxRJGp5MVeiBEg