Hi! I've never written a script before (and I've also never posted on reddit before so IDK what I'm doing) I wrote this script to power through some writers block I've been having for unrelated stuff (and also because I was angry at some youtube comments that reeked of "nice guy" syndrome) and I figured I'd throw it out there for people to use if they'd like. I'm also requesting feedback and criticism. I'd like to maybe try and make more scripts, because I enjoy this format. Monetized use is ok! If you can't snap your fingers, feel free to indicate the spell in some other way. Like magic sounds or magic words or whatever.

Also CW for harsh language and berating

Archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/x9hb9v/script_archive/

Part 2: /r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/up7q3t/f4a_tsundere_witch_cuddles_you_to_sleep/)

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Summary:

An individual (Probably male, but left ambiguous) has made a long rant about their inability to get a date online. Blaming women and society in general. Unbeknownst to them their general jerkish behavior and slobby lifestyle has been observed in secret by a powerful sorceress. She has decided to intervene whether they like it or not.

Dialogue in basic text

Sound effects in bold

Context in italics

Context that changes the audio in bold italics

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Scene setting: A dingy room covered in half eaten snacks and other assorted rubbish This is the main room of a small apartment. The curtains are drawn closed and the only well maintained area is the gaming PC setup in the corner of the room where the listener is seated.

Magic Teleport noises

Witch materializes in the middle of the room. She is slightly older than the listener (somewhere between late 20s and early 40s) and somewhat racially ambiguous. Her style is “Prim and proper business woman”. She is unconventionally attractive (curvy and has a decent segment of her hair going prematurely grey).

Jeez this place is a pit, way worse than I imagined.

Walks up behind the listener and looks over their shoulder at the screen. Listener remains unaware.

Look at this loser, I port right into their room and they don't even notice. What are they watching anywaysssssss

Listener is watching something embarrassing. Probably porn but I like to think she’s overreacting to an episode of Family Guy or something.

Disgusting! How can they watch this garbage, never mind

Snap!

Computer shuts down

Listener finally notices speaker

Glad to see you are capable of responding to external stimuli.

Who am I? I’m your girlfriend.

What? You don't have one? I understand that's the impetus for this screed you posted online earlier. Lets see

Crinkling paper

For some reason she felt compelled to print out a social media post (Probably Reddit or Youtube in origin) physically. This character is not good with tech.

Ok here we are. Remember this? No? Let me read it out for you then.

Mocking voice

“Put me in a room with a 6'3 “Chad” air quotes there. Every woman will choose “the Chad”, and tell me the same old, tired thing "You are SO sweet, and any girl would be lucky to have you!". “Nice”- air quotes again- people like me just don't stand a chance. I have so much to offer but I’m doomed to be alone forever because I don’t make 100k a year and have a gap in my teeth.”

The Grammar on that last bit is bad, it reads like you’re saying you can't get a date because you don’t have a gap in your teeth.

Authors note: This might seem over the top but it's a text to text amalgamation of several actual youtube comments. Actually it probably doesn't seem over the top.

I won't read the rest but it goes into some cracked out paragraph about anthropology-which you clearly didn't even bother to research by the way- and then a proposal for the government to provide lovers for intelligent non “chads”. which I presume includes you.

Leans in

Well you wanted a beautiful woman to give you a chance right? Now you got one. I’m your girlfriend now.

How did I get here? I used a teleport spell, you’d have been very impressed if you had any awareness of your surroundings.

Listener says something along the lines of “Are you a witch?”

Well the proper legal term is sorceress but yeah I guess witch works just as well. I’m a witch and unlike you I use the skills I’ve developed to contribute to society. And today that takes the form of helping a sad loser like you clean up your act. Now then we’re going to start by cleaning up this pit.

Listener protests. Witch backs up and gestures around the room

Yes we’re cleaning, starting with the living room. All these dishes and half eaten snacks, random trash you couldn't even be bothered to put in the wastebasket. How can you live like this? Don't you have any shred of dignity?

Listener gets defensive and says something like “if you don't like it you clean it up”

What did you think this was some I dream of Jeanie situation? Perhaps one of those harem anime you love so much? Some magical girlfriend hops down from heaven to make it all a slow ride down easy street? No sir. We’re cleaning this place and then we’re cleaning up your life. Don't try and argue with me anymore.

Listener stands up and attempts to challenge her. “Or what?”

Or what?

Listen here honey you don't want to know “Or what”. I’m playing the good witch right now, you don't want to meet the wicked witch.

Listener responds

More like a wicked bitch huh? Call me a bitch again and see where it takes you.

Listener doubles down

I’m sorry I don't think I heard you right. Why don't you think for a moment and repeat that back to me?

Listener Escalates the situation. They say something that is significantly worse. Probably rhymes with bundt.

Witch is visibly angry now. Close to physically shaking.

Ok this is the part where you walk back what you just said and BEG me not to do anything too bad to punish you

Listener refuses to back down

Ok have it your way.

SNAP!

Listener begins turning into a mouse bit by bit

What's that? You're getting smaller? Your ears are getting bigger, oh my those teeth, and what's this? A big long rat tail. It's like that david bowie song Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Witch picks up the listener by their new tail. Her visible anger has been largely replaced by a tone of venomous mockery

Now then little mouse, how about I take you back to my place. I’ll give you a nice little cage you can mess up all you want. All the food you can eat. Maybe I’ll even set up your phone so you can watch youtube. Would you like that? It's pretty much how you live anyways.

Listener attempts to protest. They still have their voice

Oh I can't do that? I think I already have, you think you're the first? I’ve done way worse to people that have done far less than call me what you just did. Now all I have to do is snap my fingers again and you’ll be a mouse in mind as well as body.

Lifts up hand. Listener is begging. She begins to lay down a “reason you suck” speech.

Oh it's far far too late for begging. You don't want me to take away all your memories? Your personality? Ha! What are they worth to you? What will you lose huh? Memories of long lonesome nights watching other people play video games? Maybe a few failed tests? A couple memories of you being mediocre the few times you even bothered to show up to work? And your personality? Give me a break! I should have turned you into a roach just for having the audacity to refer to yourself as “nice”. I’ve looked at the things you say to people. How you treat the people you encounter, hell even your family. You rent this place from your stepbrother at a third of what he could get for it, and you still can't be bothered to pay him on time. And I know he’s probably the only person in this city that even bothers to try and spend time with you. Not that you do anything other than brush him off.

Author's notes: I added a lot of specific details because I don't want any listeners to feel personally attacked by more vague assertions y’know.

Your coworkers hate you. you’re whiney, unreliable and refuse to take responsibility for anything you do. The only reason they put up with you is because they can’t get anybody else willing to work under that creep of a manager for very long. Hell even your gaming guild only puts up with you because they know you’re always available to raid.

No, I think I’m doing the world a favor by giving you a position in life that you’re clearly more suited for. Now say your prayers little mouse.

Listener seems visibly hurt. This managed to get through to them somewhat, and challenge their sense of self. She's surprised but doesn't show it. She decides on mercy

Oh you can change huh? You can be different? In my experience you can't. I’ve done this before and in the end people like you just can't change. I’ve got a nice little terrarium full of frogs and toads that used to be people like you, people that I've done this dance with.

But you intrigue me. I’ll give you another chance.

SNAP!

Listener is restored. They’re lying on the floor shaking with terror and shock

Now I’m going down to the store to get some cleaning supplies. You’re going to clean up all this garbage and then get started on that big pile of dishes. And don't even think about trying to leave. I’ll know. You won't get another chance, little mouse. Be done by the time I get back. And don't be sloppy about it. I’ll be back in an hour, and we’ll get started on that filthy bathroom

Door opens and shuts

Act Break

Door sounds

Honey I’m homeeeeee

Looks around. Room is a lot cleaner. Listener is nervously scrubbing away at a small pile of dishes.

Hmmm not bad. This isn't as good as I’d hoped but better than I expected. I see you’ve almost got those dishes cleaned up.

Listener is terrified on account of the “Be done when I get back” warning from earlier. Seeing this she adopts a nicer more reassuring tone.

Awe sweetie it's ok that you aren’t 100% done yet, no need to cower like that. The important thing is that you made a lot of progress. And you didn't try to split, I was about 90% sure you’d try that. Now then I picked up some cleaning supplies at costco, why don't we keep this streak going. You hit the bathroom and I’ll straighten out the kitchen.

Time passes

Scrubbing sounds

How's it coming in here?

Bathroom is a lot cleaner

Not bad, not bad. It's still kinda dingy looking though. Here use one of these scrubbers, it'll help with these hard water stains. Do you have a vacuum? Alright I’m going to get the floor. See if you can have this place a little further along when I get back.

Time Passes

Vacuum sounds.

Sigh

You let this place get pretty bad didn't you?

Nervous Babbling from listener

No no you’ve made a pretty good dent. Here

Snap!

There all cleaned up! Just like new.

Why didn't I do that before? Didn't we just have this conversation? If I just magic away all your problems you won't learn anything.

And I have no use for a partner who cannot learn.

And no I don't do this normally in my home either, I clean it just like we did here. Magic is like Kung Fu I guess, the more you can do with it the less you feel justified using it. But since I’m breaking it out anyways, how about we clean you up a bit?

Oh don't worry it's just a little magic. Nobody gets hurt, more or less.

Snap!

Listener gets something of a makeover. A more formal outfit and a haircut that suits them better.

Hmph you cleaned up better than I would have guessed. You almost could pass as a legitimate functioning adult in the right light. I took the liberty of trimming down your greasy mop, and changing up that ratty outfit for something a little more sophisticated.

What? For god's sake little mouse wearing an outfit with buttons on it isnt going to kill you. Besides you better look your best, it's not everyday you get to have a first date with a beautiful woman.

Oh are you going to deny it?

Snap!

Witch is now wearing a dress, some makeup and has her hair done in a more loose fashion. She's switched from “Prim and proper business lady” to “Going dancing after dinner” She’s adopted a tone of gentle teasing.

How do I look? When you’ve dragged that jaw off the floor, brush your teeth and meet me in the kitchen, little mouse.

Dishes clinking

She's changed up the kitchen table and procured a tablecloth somehow. The kitchen is unrecognizable now. They are sitting down and eating soup.

Do you like it? I made it while you were cleaning the bathroom. It's just a simple vegetable soup with orzo and lemon. I used to make it all the time back when I was a chef.

Listener does the “press X to doubt” face

What? Is it so hard to believe I held a normal 9-5 Job? I still have one y’know. It's not quite nine to five anymore but I have responsibilities to attend to. I run a business that searches for and provides rare ingredients to restaurants. I mostly leave it to my apprentice these days and spend my time now looking for small businesses here in the city to invest in. It hasn't exactly made me rich, but my finances don't keep me up at night either.

Listener still doesn't believe her. Her tone gradually becomes more serious.

You look so incredulous. Listen here, I wasn't born special or anything. I’m not like Harry Potter or Jon Snow or somebody. These powers I have? I worked for them. I studied, I practiced. I was tried and tested and was not found wanting. And it cost me, it cost me a lot. But I don't care. Ever since I discovered that such things were possible I knew I had to learn them. I wanted to do good, to try and make things right in the world.

Serious voice is back in force.

Now let's talk about how this is going to work. We are going to straighten out your life bit by bit. It will take time, commitment, and sacrifice. I’m going to lead you down the path, but you have to want it. My goal is to make it so that you’ll never even be able to believe that you’re the same person as the one that wrote that screed online. Every week I’m going to keep track of your actions and your progress and decide whether or not to continue our relationship. You will have to show progress each time and I will continuously raise the bar. You will pass each week. I think you can imagine the consequences of failure. You will learn to treat others with respect, to take your responsibilities seriously, and to be a contributing member of society. Or you can eat peanuts in a cage. Am I clear?

Listener is scared again. They nod

Good. Now we better get to bed. You have to be at work at eight tomorrow. I imagine you weren't planning on staying up all night and coming in at noon? No? Good.

Oh yeah I’m staying tonight. I’m your girlfriend, remember? And I have a feeling we’re going to need to work on your morning routine. But first, why don't you come over here?

Snap!

Slow dance music starts playing. Gentler voice is back

It’s good luck to end a first date with a dance.

Who said that? Me just now. And I’m always right. Here I’ll lead.

They dance around for a bit

Two this way, half step there. Good good, you're getting the hang of this. How about a twirl?

she launches a move that gets them close enough to be cheek to cheek. It's a brief but tender moment. She whispers in their ear.

Now how about this?

She dips the listener

Swoosh

Kissing sound

She holds them in that position

You like that? I bet it's your first in a long while. What? Doesn't your girlfriend get to do this sort of thing? I’m not all mean y’know, I do have a tender side. Meet your goals and maybe you’ll get to see her more often.

Listener returns to standing position. Not really sure how they should feel. Witch enjoys their confusion

C’mon little mouse. Let's get some sleep. You’ve got a long week ahead.