Google doc with better formatting

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A Painstaking Prank

Key:

[Background SFX]

(SFX created by the speaker)

{Stage Direction}

*non-spoken context*

|Author’s Note|

~emphasis~

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

{vampire; jokingly}

I want to suck your blood. Bleh!

*listener chuckles*

{vampire; ruffled}

Hey, don’t laugh at me! My vampire costume is very convincing and very scary! These might even be real blood stains, you don’t know!

*listener comments*

Okay fine! It’s just ketchup! But that’s only because I don’t want to waste any blood! Now invite me inside, it’s freezing out here!

*listener invites*

Thank you. So what are you supposed to be? Cause all I see is a tasty snack.

*listener questions*

{vampire; denial}

No! That wasn’t flirting! I was just playing into the vampire bit! Don’t read into it. So what are you supposed to be?!

*listener responds*

{vampire; cavalier}

A werewolf? What’s up with the red belt?

*listener responds*

“It’s supposed to look like blood”? It looks like laziness to me.

*listener accuses*

{vampire; annoyed}

Yeah, I dress up as a vampire every year! It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m efficient. I already have the fangs, the skin, and the eyes. I just pull out my old cape and boom, scary vampire!

*small pause*

And you don’t get to talk! Werewolf costumes are just an excuse to wear torn clothes and fluffy ears!

*listener combats*

Oh, it’s a full moon tonight? I’m ~so~ scared! Please werewolf! You’re so big and strong, please don’t give in to your animal urges and…

(suppresses laugh)

…eat me!

(laughs)

{vampire; happy}

I’m sorry, I just can’t do that with a straight face. I’m like a foot taller than you. When you try to look menacing it’s so cute! I just want to pet those fluffy ears and rub your belly!

{vampire; puppy talk}

Would you like that? Would you like to be my good, little puppy?

*listener objects*

{vampire; contented}

Oh, you don’t like it when I call you that? Well, maybe that will teach you to wear a better costume, puppy. Anyways, I just came by to pick up my little doggie for the fae party. They're doing a hedge maze this year and I want to be the first to make it to the center. So hurry up and let’s go!

[door closes]

*time skip*

[outdoor sfx]

Just in time! You're a terrible driver you know that? You had us so lost!

*listener objects*

{vampire; defensive}

It doesn’t matter if I’m the one with the map, you’ve lived here you’re whole life you should know your way around!

{vampire; changing the subject}

Hurry up! You walk ~so~ slow,~puppy~ and we only have a few minutes before they open up the maze!

*short pause*

{vampire; excited}

There’s the crowd! I think they’re about to open it! Let’s get to the front, we need every advantage we can get! I’m going to run as soon as they open the doors. I know you won’t be able to keep up, but I’ll scratch the ground whenever I hit a dead end. That way you can follow after me.

*listener begins to speak*

Don’t worry about little details, puppy! I’ll share the prize with you once ~I~ win it. It’ll be like-

[air horn]

{vampire; cutting themself off}

We’ve got to go! See you at the cen… ter?

{vampire; confused}

I’m not zooming!

{vampire; annoyed}

(miffed sigh)

The fae must have some magic on the maze to level the playing field.

*small pause*

Come on then. We’ll have to try twice as hard to make it!

[jogging sfx]

{vampire; confidently}

Left here. You can see people turning around to the right, obvious dead end. Don’t stop for any of the scares, we have a race to win!

*listener comments*

Don’t give me any of that “missing the forest for the trees” stuff. I’m not here for kiddie scares, I want whatever prize the fae would deem maze worthy! It’s got to be something amazing like… well something! I don’t know! What matters is that we’re going to find out!

*pause*

Split path coming up. And we’re too far ahead to cheat off others. We’ll have to split up. I’ll take the left. Rush back if it’s a dead end. See you at the finish!

*duo splits up*

{vampire; thinking to themself}

I haven’t hit a stop yet, so the right turn must have been the dead end. I can’t stop so I guess they’ll just have to catch up.

[wolf howls]

See, that’s what I’m talking about! Everyone always picks werewolf. But it’s kinda impressive someone could howl that loud. Maybe it’s a costume with a speaker or something.

*pause*

Puppy knew I’d just take lefts until I hit a dead-end, right? That’s just maze strategy so they must know. I’m sure they’ll catch up soon.

*small pause*

Come to think of it, this is my sixth left turn. The maze must do some weird spiral thing. I’m going to be so mad if after all this running, left was wrong.

(huffs)

{vampire; angry, out loud}

[jogging stops]

All this and it’s a dead-end! I’ve wasted so much time! Now I have to turn around and…

*path backward is gone*

Ugh! The fae must have some weird maze magic in here to cover up the path I took!

*small pause*

If I turn around and the path forward is revealed, I’m going to be pissed!

*turns*

Oh sure enough! Real clever making me waste that time for a jumpscare gag! Get out of my way scarecrow, I have a prize to win!

[jogging starts]

[wolf howls]

{vampire; thinking again}

There goes some moron howling again. That better not be my puppy goofing off when they should be running.

*small pause*

Actually, if this maze is all magic and stuff, I probably won’t see them again for a while. I doubt they’ll be able to retrace my steps.

*small pause*

Oh well, still more ground covered. I guess it doesn’t matter too much.

[nearby growling]

Another scare trap! I bet they put those on the correct path to ward people off. I’ll just turn this corner and match right through!

(yelp)

[jogging stops]

{vampire; impressed, thinking still}

Wow, that’s kinda spooky! Pretty impressive werewolf costume, it even kinda moves when they breathe! Weird that they have the belt too! I guess it must be popular.

{vampire; outloud}

Alright Fido, that’s a nice outfit but you need to move! I’ve got to get past you.

[growls]

Yeah, yeah. You’re terrifying. Now move out of the way. I’m trying to get a move on and you practically take up the whole path.

*small pause*

Here, just come over this way and we can use the crossroads for me to get past you. Come on doggy, come here.

(whistles)

This way buddy, just keep walking.

{vampire; thinking}

They even made the blood smell real! Those fae went above and beyond, this thing absolutely reeks!

{vampire; outloud}

Okay, pal, you’ve done a great job, now move and…

*speaker turns*

{vampire; annoyed}

Oh great! The way back is gone! So how am I going to get around you-!

{vampire; surprised}

Oh! You’re gone too. I suppose that’s convenient. I’ll just run this way and…

[plastic snaps]

What’d did I just break?

*small pause*

It’s a pair of wolf ears? Must be Puppy trying to leave me a trail!

[jogging starts]

{vampire; hyped}

Finally, they’re getting their head in the game! Alright, so that means it’s a right at this turn then, Oh! That’s their clip-on tail! They're really stripping out here, aren’t they? I wonder if I’ll get to catch a peak…

{vampire; catching themself}

Ah! I can’t think like that. We’re just friends. And I already dragged them into this maze. I just…

(sniffs)

{vampire; worried}

This tail has blood on it. And I think it’s their’s…

{howl}

Okay, that sounded really close. Fido?! Is that you again?

{vampire; thinking}

The wolf is nowhere to be found, and the trail is running cold. I think the ambiance is actually starting to get to me. I just need to calm down and keep-.

[jogging stops]

{vampire; startled, out loud}

Fido! You’re back! And you covered in blood… and you smell just like... Puppy? Is that you?!

[snarls]

Woah, alright! No more puppy talk! Just calm down! What happened to you? You’re actually a werewolf! How did this happen?! Did the fae do something?

[growls]

Woah, stay calm buddy! The fae’s magic has me all weak and mortal, so I need you to stay docile! I’m sure you’re hungry or maybe other emotions… but just stay back!

*werewolf approaches*

This isn’t funny! Don’t hurt me! Just stay back and-!

[roars]

Aahhh!

[monsotours laughter]

{vampire; confused}

Are you laughing at me!

*listener speaks*

“Gotcha”? Was this a joke?!

*listener confirms*

You’re working with the fae to scare people! Really?! You almost gave me a heart attack! I thought you were a monster!

*listener retorts*

No, you being menacing isn’t cute anymore! You’re like ten feet tall and you’ve got a mouth full of teeth! It’s terrifying!

*listener speaks*

{vampire; irate}

Yeah, I guess you got me! Good job! Is that what you wanted to hear?! You owe me for this one! In fact, I demand you help me find the treasure in this maze! Repay me for my emotional damage!

*listener informs*

It’s all candy! That’s it?! But the fae had been praising the loot for days! It’s all just a treat for the kids?!

*listener confirms*

(annoyed sigh)

Of course! That’s just typical! All this effort and what do I get? Nothing but-!

(yelps)

(kiss)

What was that?!

*listener explains*

I know it was a kiss, idiot! But you picked now?! I’ve been sending hints for months and you kiss me in the middle of the night, in a maze, while you’re transformed into a furball?! Really?! I just can’t with you sometimes!

*listener questions*

{vampire; happier}

Yeah, I liked it! I’m even kind of into the whole monster thing. I like you a lot, that’s why we’re friends. I’m just annoyed that you pulled this whole prank thing!

*listener apologizes*

{vampire; mischevous}

It’s okay. In fact, there’s something you can do to make it all better.

(kiss)

Come on, ~Puppy~. Let’s get out of this maze.

[footsteps recede]