Oh hey you’re the new recruit right? Finally some new blood around here I was starting to get bored of seeing the same faces. It looks like we’re paired up for the night, here come sit next to me, the street views ain't exactly gonna go anywhere and trust me if anything goes down tonight you’ll be glad you saved your energy… It really is convenient they put this bench here, y’know I actually heard that this was put here by goons generations ago, guess this city never changes huh?

You new here? Oh it’s just you look a little on edge so I’m assuming this is your first time. Uh huh? Thought so, eh don’t worry about it kid you’ll be fine, but if you’d like, I’ve been doing this gig a while so I can give you some tips on some things, how’d you get in on this anyway? Money trouble, blackmail, Goonion contract?… hmm? what’s the Goonion? Oh boy kid you really are new huh? It’s short for Goon Union, y’know, a workers union for people like us, hired guns, henchmen, that kinda thing, you’ll wanna sign onto it pronto cause frankly you’re gonna need it. They’ll be the one’s that’ll help you find jobs, negotiate contracts and… fund medical bills, listen I’ll get to that later, it was started by some… red… panda guy? I don’t know, but in this business you’re gonna need all the support you can get, I mean it’s not like you can exactly go to a mainstream lawyer to help you negotiate a payment plan with a criminal. Sign up is pretty simple, but trust me you’ll be thanking me the first time you’re faced with your medical bills

Which brings me to… workplace hazards, obviously firstly you’ve gotta be on the lookout for heroes, I mean that’s what we’re being paid to do here, but uh… it’s a little more complicated than that. Well let’s begin with your regular heroes, you’ll be looking for some kind of cape, probably wearing spandex, they’re pretty simple, as a general rule if one of them shows up, just let them beat you up a little and go down, listen don’t give me that look, once you’ve been in this game as long as I have you’ll see the pay for successfully completing the job ain't exactly… worth sacrificing your health for. Generally they’ll be your standard goody-two shoes, beat up the goons save the day and leave, no killing, no consequences after you go down, so you’ll want be looking for the earliest opportunity to do that convincingly, don’t be brave, the brave ones don’t make it very long. You’re here to do a job and get paid, that’s it. Alright next is your side-kick, they’ll generally look very similar to your standard hero, spandex, cape, the main indicators of a sidekick is a shorter cape, a consistent visible theme with an established hero and… they’re generally children, which brings up a whole other ethical can of worms but that ain't our job to worry about. You should generally treat them the same as your regular hero except… make doubly sure not to um… kill them, the last guy who did that… well let’s just say it didn’t go so well… that guy’s been a huge problem since he came back… which neatly brings us onto… antiheroes, yeah… that’s been a relatively new trend since the early 2000’s but your normal signs are a lack of cape, either no mask on their face or a helmet that completely covers it, generally wearing more plain clothes kind of outfit, maybe some kind of jacket, if you encounter one of them… I’m gonna be honest you’re just kinda screwed I got nothing, you’d probably be dead by the time you got time to shout… hey kid don’t look so worried, you’re in a big city so you probably got nothing to worry about, generally in places like this the biggest hero in the area is your standard no-killing kinda deal, and they don’t tend to approve of the whole antihero thing so, chances are even if you encounter one of them, they’ll be using some kind of non-lethal weapon as some kind of temporary redemption arc… until something happens to return them back to the status quo but chances are unless you’re doing something really deplorable you aren’t gonna be the activating event for that.

And besides it ain't actually the heroes you got to worry about, it’s the villians, I’m serious, you work for the wrong guy? Dead. You don’t laugh at one of their jokes? Dead. You do laugh at one of their jokes? Also Dead. You somehow manage to kill the hero yourself rather than letting the boss do it? You better believe you’re not gonna like what happens next. I was working under this guy obsessed with freezing things and patrol buddy managed to land a lucky shot on the hero who came after us and well… let’s just say the boss wasn’t so pleased… I think he might still be in that block of ice actually. Moral of the story is just keep your head down, do your job but not too well, focus on getting home so you can spend your paycheque, keep doing that and you’ll be fine. You get all that kid? Great.

(Crashing sounds)

What was that? oh boy, kid I hope you were listening cause I think you’re about to get some practice.

please credit me using: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHlqaz-C2ZxRJGp5MVeiBEg

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credit goes to The Panda Redd for the goonion concept