Google Doc with better formatting {https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P3jym3oqwdOw7fGkxNjFoCEEHFFkv1v_zwWEdDupqAU/edit?usp=sharing}

Key:

{Character & Stage Diretion}

(SFX made vocally)

[SFX made artifically]

*silent context*

~emphasis~

|Author’s Note|

Feminine/Masculine

Silver Linings Farm & Ranch

|This story calls for six different characters and four accents. A collab would be suggested but, I’ve tried to write the characters as tonally different as possible to allow a single actor to perform the whole script. Regardless, keep in mind the gender you’ve chosen for each character to ensure the pronouns remain constant.|

|For the reader, I fear that some dialogue may be misinterpreted so here’s a synopsis of how I see each of the characters. Fae is kind but eccentric. Not a threat but it’s worrisome how much they emphasize it. Centaur is Tsundere, so the snide comments and put-downs are just a cover for the big softie on the inside. Minotaur is a parental figure. They outclass listener in experience but don’t make a point of it. The satyrs are all effectively one character and should be treated as one curious group.|

[forest ambiance]

{Fae; sweetly}

Kitty! It’s Allete/Allele! We’re all looking for you! Come on back and we can get you a treat!

(clicks tongue)

I know the field mice are tasty, but the kids are worried about you! Please just come on out!

*small pause*

Kitty-?

(surprised sound)

I didn’t expect to see anyone in these woods! I don’t suppose you’ve seen a cat around here, have you?

*listener remains silent*

Darling, it’s okay! I’m a good fae, you can answer my questions.

*listener remains silent*

Is language the problem? Because I speak many tongues. You’re a dryad, right? Would the ancestral speak be better?

*small pause*

Vidistin’ hic circum felem?

*pause*

Afto einai kalytero?

*pause*

Xianzai zenme yang?

*pause*

Alright, not responding to anything is fine. If you’ve seen a cat wander through here can you point in the direction you saw it?

*listener doesn’t move*

Are you not pointing because you haven’t seen it or because you’re afraid?

*listener nods*

Little fern, nodding doesn’t make any sense. I know there may be some stigma around my kind, but I promise, I won’t hurt you. I just want a straight answer. Have you seen Kitty?

*listener nods*

{fae; happy}

Good! Where did you see the cat?

[plant noises]

Kitty! There you are! What did we say about wandering off?

[meow]

It is ~not~ safe out here! There are so many predators that would love to eat a little thing like you!

[meow]

Kitty, no one is out protecting you! We were all clueless as to where you went!

[meow]

“The friendly leaf protects you”? Do you mean this dryad? Do you two know each other?

[meow]

“You’ve hunted them”? Kitty, that’s amazing. We should go home and you can tell me all about the great hunt you had.

[meow]

No, you can’t take them with you!

[meow]

Yes, when you catch small things you can drag them away, but this Dryad is no field mouse! You can’t just drag them home and eat them, they’re too big!

[meow]

You can’t just keep them, they have a life outside of you! I swear, if you weren’t so cute, I wouldn’t put up with your narcissism.

[meow]

They don’t want to come with you. They’re just being polite-

[plant sounds]

{fae; questioning}

You don’t want to come with us, right?

[plant sounds]

You ~do~ want to come with us? Really?

{fae; quietly}

If you’re just doing this to stroke Kitty’s ego, you don’t have to. I know Kitty didn’t really catch you.

[plant noises]

{fae; confused}

Well if you want to come with us then we could always use another hand. I suppose you could stay with Kitty if you want.

[plant noises]

Alright, you’re the boss. The farm is this way, and I guess you can walk back with me.

|timeskip|

{fae; proud}

Here’s my pride and joy! Silver Linings Farm & Ranch. We are a 100% non-human farm, so I’m sure you’d fit right in. You could just pick a clearing to drop some roots in, or we’d love another hand to do some work. I know you don’t need extra food, water, or shelter, but it might be fun to do something you like. Tell you what Cabella/Cabelo is probably herding the horses right now, you should go see if she/he wants any help.

[footsteps]

{centaur; yelling}

Hey, dryad! Over here! I know I kinda blend into the herd, but just follow my voice!

{centaur; speaking}

Took you long enough. I know I’m half horse, but you’d think the upper body would give me away. Guess you’re just a little slow.

*small pause*

A little birdy told me you wanted to help herd the horses back to the stable. That right?

*listener doesn’t speak*

You really don’t talk, huh? I thought maybe you were just playing a trick on Allete/Allele. Well, do you understand what I’m saying?

*listener nods*

Good, I wouldn’t want to herd with a complete idiot. Do you have any experience riding horses?

*listener shakes head*

You don’t? Well, that’s no good. Did you plan to herd the horses on foot? Little thing like you? That’d be a good way to get trampled.

*small pause*

There’s no way I could teach a dork like you how to ride a horse any time soon, so I’ll guess you’ll be riding me.

[plant sounds]

Don’t turn tail now. Hop on my back and try to make yourself useful. I’m plenty strong enough to carry you and run.

*listener folds*

Alright, I few rules while you mount up. Don’t squeeze too tight. Don’t try any stirrup tricks. And if you touch my ears, I’ll buck you off so fast you’ll think you’ve been grabbed by a banshee. We clear?

*listener doesn’t speak*

I’m going to take your stunned silence as a yes. Hang on to my waist if you’re going to fall and try to get a feel for what herding is like. Ready?

*listener objects*

You’re not talking so we’re going. Hyah!

[horses gallop]

{centaur yelling}

Being a centaur means I can keep pace with the horses quite easily, but herding requires a little more thought than running fast. Horses move together, so you have to keep the group running in the right direction. This means keeping the leader in check while watching for stragglers. The older horses tend to fall off from the group so you get behind them and spook them forward. Hyah!

*pause*

Most of these horses have been doing this for a while so they know the general route back to the stable. We just have to make sure that the newbies don’t wander too far. See that cream-colored one? It’s fixing to break away from the group. I’ll speed up and-

What are you doing, seedling!

[plant noises]

Hey! You’re gonna scare the horses! Stop!

[plant noises]

[horses whinney]

{centaur; concealing impression}

Well, that’s a might impressive, forcing the herd together with some big vines. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay! You… you… if you were a good hand like me, you’d have lassoed the dawdlers. And get off my back, you’re clinging.

[galloping stops]

{centaur; annoyed}

I guess you did good, dryad. Not better than I would have done, but fine. Why don’t you go inside the barn? Angie/Angus should be milking the cows right about now. And don’t go telling anyone about this. Your form was sloppy and you should be embarrassed so keep that little trick to yourself.

{centaur; under-breath}

Otherwise, you’re gonna put me out of a job.

[plant noises]

{centaur; flustered}

I didn’t say nothing! Now go on and get! I’ll find something else to do since we finished so quick.

[footsteps]

[mooing ambiance]

{minotaur; lovingly}

And you must be the dryad Allete/Allele told me about.

{minotaur; talking to a cow}

I told you they’d be cute as a button, Bessie.

{minotaur; regained focus}

Boss says you want to milk a cow! That right?

*listener remains silent*

Oh! I had already forgotten you weren't gonna talk. Don’t worry, I talk enough for us both, honey. I’d be careful now, the cows might try to nibble on your leaves. They’re harmless though. Just give them a stern look and they stop right up. The first step to milking cows is getting on their level. I kinda take up the whole milking stool, but you can sit on my lap.

(taps thighs)

Come on up here.

*listener conforms*

Alright, get comfortable, we’ll be here for a bit. When we finish milking a cow, we just give them a little tap and they’ll walk off. Then the next in line takes their place and we can repeat the process. Normally, cows aren’t this orderly but I’ve gotten them good and trained. They all kinda look up to me, I think it’s cause of my horns.

*small pause*

We move the bucket right under the cow's udders and then follow these simple motions. Grab an udder, apply pressure, pull down, and aim the milk into the bucket. It’s simpler than it sounds, just watch me.

[milking sounds]

See, not so hard. Now give me your hand, and I’ll guide you through it. Grab, squeeze a little, pull a smidge and-

[milking sounds]

There! You’re a natural. The biggest risk of milking is hurting the cows. When you pull they can get a little agitated and they might hurt ya in a fit. Bessie here is real nice, so she wouldn’t do that but some of our other cows don’t share her disposition. In fact, Dottie’s next in line and she’ll even fight me sometimes. I think it’ll be better if I take her, but please, watch along and stay ready.

{minotaur; placating}

Hey, Dottie girl. We’re gonna be good today, right? I know you don’t like it when people watch, but it’s gonna be okay! Just stay calm and-

[moos angrily]

{minotaur; quickly}

She’s getting ornery! Sugar, could you let her munch on ya a little? I’m sure it’d calm her down.

*listener nods*

[milking sounds]

{minotaur; placating}

There we go, Dots. It’s all great. The friendly dryad tastes great, don’t they? You’re good. Good girl. Now head on out.

{minotaur; grateful}

You did good, honey. There are a couple more cows but that’s just about the gist of it. If you hurry you can feed the pigs with the satyrs before supper. The pen is right outside the barn.

[footsteps]

[pig ambiance replaces cows]

|The three satyrs talk amongst each other, but should all sound roughly the same. Which satyr is talking may be unknowable to the listener and that’s okay. Still, they are labeled in the script if you want to give them all personality|

{satyrs; playful}

1. Here piggy, piggy!

2. Hey look it’s the dryad!

3. Wow they’re so leafy!

4. Do you want to help us, dryad?

5. Of course they want to help! Pigs are so fun.

6. We can teach you how to feed them.

7. It’s easy!

8. First, you get a handful of corn.

9. Not popped!

10. Yes, not popped corn.

11. Then you call for the pigs.

12. Here pigs, corn!

13. They come right away they love corn.

14. At first you can just throw it out at all of them.

15. They share really good!

16. But after a bit, you have to make sure the big ones don’t hog all the food.

17. Get it? Hog?!

18. You’re so funny, Bloom.

19. That’s why I’m the funny one, Spoon.

20. Hey, we’re supposed to let the dryad help!

21. Alright Plume, hand them the feed bag.

22. Here you go!

23. The big ones have already muscled out the competition, so just give some to the smaller ones with an open hand.

[plant sounds]

[pig noises]

1. Feeding the pigs is really easy!

2. We have other, harder chores, but we save the pigs for last.

3. It’s great to end on such a fun chore.

4. We stop feeding them when Allete/Allele rings the supper bell.

5. Which should be very soon!

6. Wasn’t she making a stew tonight?

7. She is! I can smell it.

8. Here, we can just throw out a little more feed and go early.

9. No one will really care.

10. We give the pigs our leftovers too, so they won’t be going hungry.

11. Last one to the farmhouse is a lamb roast!

[Hooves run]

1. It’s going to be you, Plume!

2. No, Spoon is cheating! She/He started running before she/he even said anything!

3. Lamb roasts don’t get to complain, Plume!

[plant footsteps]

[bell rings]

{fae; loudly}

Soup’s on everybody! Get it while it’s warm!

[Chairs moving]

[dining room ambiance]

{centaur; hinting}

I’m sure we’re famished after a long, hard, ~slow~ day working, aren’t we sapling?

{minotaur; interjecting}

I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! Present company excluded.

{satyrs; happy}

1. It smells so good.

2. Plume was last, we should throw her in tomorrow’s soup!

3. Hey! That’s not funny!

{fae; assertive}

Now everyone calm down. I’m sure this ruckus is going to overwhelm our new visitor.

[Kitty meows]

Yes, Kitty. Our new ~resident~, not visitor. That is if you still want to stay?

{satyrs; imploring}

1. Please stay!

2. You’re leaves are really pretty!

3. And Kitty likes you so much!

{minotaur; adding on}

And you were a great help calming Dottie. I’d be pleased as punch to have you around.

{centaur; admitting}

And maybe your vine trick was a little cool. Not that I want you to stay! But the satyrs will probably beg you until you fold, so…

{fae; kindly}

Now, let’s not just force our ideas on them. Dryad, do you want to stay here and work the farm?

*listener nods*

{fae; happy}

Now that’s just swell! I’ve been thinking about starting an orchard, and I think you’d be the perfect monster for the job! But we don’t have to press that right now. Let’s just eat, and then Kitty can show you to the rooms.

[Kitty meows]

All edits for any reason are acceptable. All productions for profit or otherwise are acceptable. Please credit SplashiestPig. Please comment any productions, I would love to see them.