Over the cabin address: (bored sounding) Hello, this is your first officer speaking, welcoming you about this… very boring flight from one place to… somewhere else, we are currently flying at a… speed, and an altitude of… quite high, we are nearing around the halfway point and I am pleased to say that the cabin attendants will soon be coming round with the trolleys, which means you will have the opportunity to purchase your meal and more importantly I will be given my lunch. In order to answer a frequently asked question, no we did not give you bad food it is the altitude affecting your taste buds, you are not a comedic genius for parroting back the same joke for the 54th time… you know the one I’m talking about. We hope you are enjoying our selection of in flight entertainment and are definitely not just watching whatever movie you downloaded on your phone beforehand, this has been your first officer signing off, our next cabin address will be when we are nearing our final destination, in the meantime please direct any questions you may have towards our cabin crew who will be there to reassure you that yes the wings are indeed meant to shake like that. Thank you and enjoy your flight.

(cut radio effect)

(door opens)

Oh hello captain, back from doing the rounds? I just got finished doing the cabin address, has anything fallen off this time? …oh you heard, well at least now we know I didn’t forget to take my finger off the mute button again. Me? Unprofessional? I am insulted, I would never. I take this job very seriously, I mean, what job has more prestige than sitting in a metal cylinder full of fuel thousands of feet up in the air pushing buttons in order to get from place a to place b without crashing… Listen what can I say, I’m bored. When I’m up here I want to be feeling the wind in my face not stuck in a stuffy cockpit, I mean the last time I tried to open a window in here everyone went crazy and I nearly lost my license.

Well, we aren’t even moving around all that much, it’s pretty much a straight line with the occasional turn of maybe a few degrees… it’s not exactly thrilling is it? I mean even the wings themselves are just kinda… slabs of metal, I mean, at least birds’ wings flap, ours don’t flap, they’ve got flaps but I once watched the flaps all the way to Stockholm and, take it from me, they are seriously misnamed.

If I find it so dull then why did I become a pilot? Well… let’s just say a lot of universities aren’t exactly all that eager to take on students from a species associated with being ‘bird brains’, I mean it might be true for me, but that’s not because I’m a harpy, it’s just an unfortunate coincidence, but anyway where was I… ah right, so yes, I was looking for work I met the requirements for and I realised, ‘why don’t I just become a pilot?’, I mean I know how to fly anyway, I have excellent vision, I wouldn’t have to stay in one place for too long… what I didn’t take into account is what I’d be flying… I mean if you can call this flying, I was flying better than this when I’d just hatched, I mean we aren’t even moving with the wind as much as cutting through it, there’s no… gentle touch to it… But yes, it turned out they were looking for more avian demi-humans to crew their airliners, they claimed it was to ‘gain a new insight into the service they provide’ but between you can me I think they were just trying to save money on parachutes, cheap bast- sorry, how ‘unprofessional’ of me.

So4 how about you, what brought you here, we’ve been working together for a while but I don’t think I’ve ever asked, then again we’ve never really talked that much, you’ve always been more of a listener… you wanted to see the views? … you know If you really want to experience the view to the fullest I could always- fine fine, stick to your rules, but the offer still stands, a good loop-de-loop never hurt anyone.

So… wanna play a word game to pass the time? How about word association, I’ll go first: feather… um… captain, it’s your turn… back to the silence huh? Well… it was fun while it lasted… wait, wasn’t that our stop 5 minutes back? Oh dear… how… unprofessional.

please credit with: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHlqaz-C2ZxRJGp5MVeiBEg