*** = listener speaking

Can be monetised, just please link back to either this post or my YouTube!

Gender(s) can be changed if wanted!

~~~

Oh ho ho~ well, if it isn’t my favourite detective!

How are you faring this fine evening?~

***

Something was stolen from the art collection? What was stolen from the art collection?

***

You think I had something to do with it?

Oh, you love blaming things on me, don’t you?

Just because I happened to be in the area, and just happen to be a high-profile thief, doesn’t mean I just so happen to be the one who stole that portrait.

…Oops.

I suppose I just gave it away, didn’t I?

[speaker laughs]

***

Awww, why can’t I laugh?

Let me guess – you’ve got reinforcements coming? Poor little ol’ me is going to be overwhelmed by the big, strong police force, right?

Oh no~ whatever shall I do~

[speaker shoots their grappling hook]

Bye bye~

[speaker laughs and starts making their escape]

[running for a bit before detective starts to catch up to them]

Hm?

Oh my, detective! You made the leap from that building to this one?

Your legs must be so strong~ are you the kind that never skips leg day?

Mind if I test your stamina too?

Catch me if you can~!

[listener chases speaker, parakour-esque; speaker taunts them as she runs]

Pick up the pace, detective~ you’ve got to move quicker than that if you want to catch me!

Haha, that’s more like it~

Oh- ah ah ah, careful about where you’re putting those hands, detective!

You don’t want any unsavoury journalists taking a picture of you out of context and writing about you abusing your position in the precinct, right?

That would be bad~

[speaker laughs]

What are you getting so red for? You’re the one with the grabby hands!

Can’t blame me for where I stash my stolen goods~

Oops- hey, hey, I told you to keep your hands to yourself, not get more aggressive!

Too close!

[speaker kicks listener down]

Oh- my bad!

Acted a bit on instinct there – I didn’t mean to kick you like that. I’m too used to kicking police officers away…

I, um-

Huh?

…Shoot.

W-Well, well, looks like your back-up is arriving! Hope you can catch me before they do!

[speaker continues running; listener tries to continue chasing]

[listener eventually slows down; speaker laughs]

Aww, is that all you have in you today, detective?

I guess you won’t be getting back that portrait after all~

Such a shame, such a shame~

[speaker chuckles]

Another win for me! I’ll see you later, detective~

Make sure you’re in better shape to catch me next time, okay?

[speaker blows a kiss and runs off; fades out]

[fades in; listener walks home and opens door]

Ah!

How could this be!

My favourite detective has not only deduced where I live… but has so brazenly entered my home while I was unawares!

Oh, whatever shall I do!?

Perhaps I should… welcome them home with a kiss?

[speaker chuckles and kisses them]

Welcome home, darling~

You really gave it your all out there today. I really thought you were going to catch up to me for once!

It would have been a short-lived victory since I would’ve broken free of whatever restraints you put me in, but I have to give credit where credit is due.

***

Of course I would’ve broken free! No matter what chains you bound me in, the only thing that can truly keep me down is the weight of your body on mine~ and I prefer that just happen in private rather than for your co-workers to see. Sorry, darling.

Besides – if I didn’t break free, I’d be arrested! Do you really want to see your lover behind bars?

***

[speaker dramatically gasps]

Maybe!? How come!?

***

I’m sorry! I really didn’t mean to kick you in the stomach!

You know I would never do that on purpose!

I love you too much to hurt you willingly!

***

It’s just a bit of a reflex, okay?

***

Why?

Uh… well…

Those coworkers of yours can get pretty rough…

…Not in that way! Jeez, I’m the one who’s meant to make jokes like that, not you.

They just get very aggressive when trying to capture me, that’s all I meant.

I am the greatest phantom thief in the country, after all! Hehe.

Soon, I’ll make sure I’m the greatest phantom thief in the world too~

It might make it a little harder to keep our relationship on the downlow with more eyes on us, but my trusty mask has yet to fail us~

***

Who…? Who what?

***

Who’s being aggressive with me?

…Why do you want to know, hmm?

Is my darling getting protective? Are you going to be extra harsh on them, look into their pasts as officers to try and dig up dirt on them so you can fire them disgracefully?

Is that what’s going through that fantastical brain of yours right now? Hmm?

***

No, I don’t mind the idea of you getting all tough with people on my behalf. It’s sweet.

It makes my heart flutter knowing you’d go such lengths for your outlaw lover, taking advantage of the law to protect me even though everyone else wants to use it to trap me~

What do they call those types on the DnD chart? Chaotic Good?

***

Oh, right, right, sorry, the names. They were…

…Actually~ I’m not going to tell you.

***

[speaker laughs]

Well, if you truly love me so much, you’d notice who is bothering me, right?

And it’s not like you’re a regular lover – you’re one of the most renowned detectives in the world!

If you aren’t able to figure out such a simple little thing of which of your men are laying their hands on me, then do you truly deserve that title?

You can do it, right, darling?

…Oh, don’t give me that look.

You’re going to make me feel bad~

***

Nope~ I won’t say a word about that! Not even the colour of their hair!

Can’t make it too easy for you~

Won’t it be fun?

***

Hmm…

[speaker pushes listener down]

***

What am I doing?

Well, since you’re insisting on making me feel guilty with that look but I still don’t want to give you any of the details… I’m compromising~

I kicked you right here on your stomach, right?

[speaker pushes up listener’s clothes]

I’m going to kiss your injury better.

[speaker kisses stomach]

How do you feel now? Have I kissed all your pain away?

[speaker hums/chuckles, then kisses stomach some more]

I just wanted to do a few extra just to make sure~

[speaker laughs]

Awww~ You’re all red now~

***

Am I teasing? I’m just pointing out what I see~

…I love the way you look when you’re blushing because of me. You’re so cute.

Hey. You know how I said earlier that I wanted to test your stamina while you were chasing me?

…I want to test it again. In a… different way.

Can you keep up with me this time, my darling detective?