You’re free to use/monetize/paywall; I just request credit and a link to listen to it. This, and all my work, are available on Scriptbin if that's more accessible!

Tagline: Giacomo, who the hell is this?

Tone: affable, disarming and disarmed

Setting and SFX: abandoned warehouse; distant city noise

WC: 918, ~8 - 10 minutes

Directions in [brackets], tone notes in (parentheses)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Door, footsteps] (Muffled) Hey, you did it, G! How was your first and hopefully last nab and grab? They’re unharmed and in one piece, I see.

I gather from the cursing and yelling that you didn’t gag them before you put the bag over their head. God forbid we have to do this again, but if we do, we should invest in gags or some sort of knockout gas. Make a note of that.

Alright, alright, I get that this is very shocking for you, but I’d really appreciate it if you could calm down with the insults; criminals have feelings too. Believe me, I have nothing against you personally, and we’re going to try to make this as painless as-

[Cloth rustling, pause] You’re not the governor’s kid. (Aside) Giacomo, this is not the governor’s kid we were trying to ransom; who the fuck is this?

[Tapping on phone] (Direct) Excuse me just a second, doll. (Aside) This is the picture I showed you from last week’s newspaper. Look at it next to this civilian you’ve got tangled up in our business. They look nothing alike; how did you possibly mix them up?

Bud, what’s the point of us giving you a health plan including vision if you’re not going to use it? You’re taking the day and going to the optometrist, boss’s orders, before your nearsightedness gets you and me killed.

[Groan, deep breath] (Pensive) Alright. How are we going to take care of you…

No, we’re not going to kill you! I don’t know what sort of Godfather-esque, dark romance stuff you’ve been reading or watching, but organized crime is a fairly tidy process nowadays. Making people sleep with the fishes is costly and messy. Me and mine almost exclusively work in money laundering and counterfeiting.

(Abashed) This, admittedly, is a bit of a special case. See, our local governor, running for re-election based on his staunch, Christian family values?

(Fiery) Yes, the one with the ill-fitting suits. I’m always saying that; the man doesn’t know how to dress. You know what he does know how to do? Woo his way into sweet, unsuspecting women’s hearts and beds without telling them he’s married. Sweet unsuspecting women like my widowed Auntie Nina who thought she was getting a second chance at love and got nothing but an NDA and a frankly insulting amount of hush money.

I fucking know, right? So you see why this is a special case, why we had to make this personal and see how he likes people he loves not being treated like they deserve… or, rather, we tried to. Where did we go wrong there, by the way? (Aside) Giacomo, where were you that you managed to pick up a stray instead of doing your job?

That’s right, that schmuck had an event at the library: shaking hands, kissing babies, probably being a worse role model and reader than the drag queens he hates. I thought it was closed to the public; that’s why we planned the kidnapping then. (Direct) Are you on his campaign team, doll? Because I hate to break it to you, your boss is a fucking asshole.

(Aghast) You’re a librarian? (Aside) You kidnapped a librarian?

You are fucking killing me, man. What are you gonna do next- roll a nurse and kick us down to a lower circle of hellfire and brimstone? Do me a favor and go out and start the car, please, so we can try to get some good karma back.

[Door] Sorry about all this, let’s get you untied, out of this stinking warehouse, and back home.

Of course we’re going to take you home, doll, safe and sound. You’ve suffered enough because of me and my cousin out there, and keeping you quiet the old-fashioned way wouldn’t benefit us at all. Like I said, I like my crimes like I like my money: untraceable and unbloodied.

Hand to god. Besides, I’m a mobster, not a monster. Libraries are an important part of the community, and I appreciate people like you who keep them running as best as you can. I might even want to stop by and say hello if that’s alright with you.

Because I think you’re interesting. I’ll grant you, it’s partly cause I’d rather you not snitch to the feds but mostly because I’d like to see you again.

In the past two hours, you’ve had a sack thrown over your head, been manhandled into a van, strapped to a chair, and left to stew in fear in a cold, dank warehouse of god knows what. In those two hours, you haven’t lost your cool or nerve even once. You didn’t cry, beg, or scream. You cursed me out, called me words I won’t repeat in your polite company, and did a real number on my associate if him limping out of here is any indicator. I can’t say I meet someone like you often, even in my line of work.

[Laugh] You’re giving me, a seasoned criminal, terms and conditions?

Oh, I like you.

Alright, doll, I’ll bite; I’m invested. What must I do if I want to come see you at work?

No more illegal activities on library grounds, that’s a fair enough ask. What’s the second thing?

[Hearty, genuine laugh] Oh, it goes without saying that I’ll be the one driving you home. I love G, I do, but I wouldn’t trust him to navigate us out of a paper bag at this point.