Part 1

Context: It's the 40s and you're a young woman in the big city in need of a job. You see a posting from a strange pair of brothers looking for a secretary, so you decide, "Why not?". It's not like your worries will lessen if you don't give it a try, right? So, you did. And you got the job. And, somehow, two Fae lovers who will push your patience to its breaking point. But… maybe you’re into that, hm?

Setting: The brother's Brownstone

Tags:[MM4F][Friends to Lovers][Mysterious Assassin Brothers Speakers][Secretary Listener][Comedy][Polyamory][Of Course They’re Fae][Flirting][First Day][Cryptids/Monsters][Monster Hunting][CW: Offscreen Murder]

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[J] = Jacob Grimm

[W] = Wilhelm Grimm

[Scene opens in the office]

[SFX: Coffee brewing/the Listener filing her nails and the occasional shuffling of paperwork]

[You arrived an hour early on your first day. Something in your gut told you it was a good idea. Turns out, it was!]

[SFX: Rumbling from upstairs before the brothers sleepily emerge to the lower floor aka the ‘office’]

[Pause]

[W] “HOLY SH-! Dolly!”

[J] “Oh… You’re here early…”

[Pause]

[W] “And she made coffee! I’m in love!”

[Pause]

[SFX: Coffee being poured and tasted]

[J] “And she figured out how we like our coffees… Interesting…”

[Pause?]

[They both pause, mid-sip]

[W] “When were we gonna tell you that our targets are monsters?”

[He and Jacob exchange looks]

[J] “Well, now, my dearest, we would have gotten to it eventually, of course…”

[W] “How on Earth did you find out this fast?! You’re like a damned bloodhound!”

[Pause…]

[You nod behind the counter toward a very dead vampire]

[J] “...Is that a dead vampire on the ground?”

[Pause~]

[W] “Are you filing your nails with the file you used to kill that same vampire?”

[Pause.]

[SFX: An old-timey phone ringing]

[You answer the phone while the brothers gawp and talk among themselves. You have no idea why they’re so taken aback, you were under the impression they were professionals]

[J, in the BG] “Welp… I’ll drag the corpse to a sunny window to dispose of.”

[Pause!]

[Jake stops, hands held up for peace]

[J] “OK, OK, ashes get into the air and can infect others who breathe it, you’re right. We don’t need that kind of drama…”

[W, with a whistle] “And she did it in a sleek little skirt! I’m doll dizzy, Jake!”

[SFX: A thud]

[W] “Oof! I was peaking under the desk to check for additional vampires, my dear! I swear!”

[Pause…]

[SFX: Note taking]

[W] “We’ll get the corpse in a proper tarp, yes ma’am… But we also gotta think up some kind of story to give him and all, some kind of moral lesson…”

[At the side-eye you give him, Wil gives a genial smile]

[J] “We’re… eccentric writers…?”

[Pause]

[You put the caller on hold as best you can and give them a brief what for]

[J] “...OK, yes… We’re Fae… We are assassins, but we have to do it in a special way, otherwise, it doesn’t count for the contract…”

[W] “We have to make up stories about the monsters we take out…”

[Pause.]

[J] “You seemed to have capped this one, yeah… I don’t even recognize them from any of our contracts… So I guess he doesn’t need a story… Wonder what he wanted…?”

[Pause.]

[You go back to the call with an apology and finish up]

[SFX: The call ending - VA’s discretion on length / BG noise]

[W, messing with a tarp] “Alright, the stiff’s tarped up… What’d our caller want, beautiful?”

[Pause…]

[J] “Unidentified monster down at a brewery, huh? Over seven feet, on all fours, and with a thick, grizzled accent and… a mustache? Interesting… Doesn’t sound like a mainstream monster, in that case, which means we’ll be going in with limited information unless we do a stakeout of some sort.”

[W] “Mmhm… Need to check for monsters that would be particular toward alcohol or wet, boggy places… Christ knows that brewery sits on the river and gets real fuckin’ damp if you catch my drift.”

[. . . Pause?]

[The brothers look at you for a moment, then each other, then hurriedly grab a HUGE book from their bookshelf and heave it onto your desk]

[J] “One moment…”

[W] “We gotcha!”

[SFX: THOOM!!]

[Pause???]

[J] “This is our encyclopedia of Earth cryptids and monsters. We’ve filled it out over the years with any information we have, so if we’ve run into something that fits the bill, it might be in here already.”

[Pause…]

[SFX: Pages being flipped through]

[You flip through the pages. It takes you a bit to notice you have a very cozy Fae on either side of you]

[. . .?]

[W] “What are we doing?”

[J] “Resting our heads on your shoulder to read with you.”

[. . .]

[W, giggling] “You knew what kind of arrangement you were getting into, my dear… At least, I hope you did when you agreed to work for two Fae…”

[J] “Because we know you knew… You’re very shrewd but that attitude of ‘whatever happens. I don’t give two toots’ leaves you wide open to any bad actors, much like our dead vampire friend here, I’m willing to bet… A beautiful lady like you, no man on her arm, all alone in a city of monsters…? Risky…”

[W] “And attractive! Let us not forget attractive! Hence, our eagerness to hire you on… You understand us, even if we drive you crazy…”

[...Pause…]

[They burst out laughing together, and you can briefly feel how powerful they are… At least, a bit of their power…]

[W] “Yep, even though it’s your first day on the job! Fae are a bit different, my sweet. We don’t bond with humans often or without it costing quite a bit, but… we’re operating in your world, partially under your rules. It’s nice to feel… comfortable, even this far from home.”

[J] “Mmh…”

[W] “Jake’s just shy, don’t mind him. He don’t like bonding with people we might lose down the line-”.

[J] “Will!!!”

[W] “What! I don’t want you getting your heart broken again, you’re my brother!”

[They continue to argue behind you while you flip through their book: you’d heard the beast briefly in the call and something had caught you about it]

[SFX: Pages flipping]

[J] “-you’re telling our secretary that we can just cozy up to her when neither of us has even talked about that bit yet! You know humans are weird about polyamory!”

[W, scoffing] “SOME!”

[Pause…]

[J] “We need to take this slow… I know you’re impatient, but we can’t do this again…”

[W] “Oh, my monotone, furrowed-brow little brother, you worry too much!”

[J] “ONE OF US NEEDS TO WORRY SOMETIMES, WILL!”

[PAUSE!!]

[They jolt as you snap to get their attention]

[W] “Hey, Missy, that was a fighting word!... I think… What’d you call us, again?”

[. . .]

[J] “A bunyip… Wait, that makes sense!”

[W] “Huh???”

[Pause…]

[J] “She’s right… A bunyip is an Aboriginal ‘myth’ that hangs out in the Australian wetlands. That kind of maneater is massive, and kind of has a mustache in the right lights. The dumb knucklehead probably mistook a vat of alcohol for a bog or something and is swimming around, off its tits drunk.”

[W, laughing] “Are you serious? You think we got a pissed-off Aussie swamp dog in an alcohol vat? Oh man, I can already see the ‘moral’ forming for his story.”

[J, grumbling] “Don’t be a talking cryptid in an alcohol vat?”

[W] “Don’t go to America if you can’t fight a whole police force to get drunk to your standards!”

[Pause…?]

[W] “Are these morals going to be for children? Pfft, no! The Hell are kids gonna learn from stories like ours? ‘Don’t trust anyone who wants you to climb into an oven’??”

[J, gentle] “Human children aren’t always the smartest, Will…”

[Pause.]

[They straighten as you stand up and get their coats for them]

[SFX: Coats rustling]

[W] “Oop-!”

[J] “And we’re getting our coats?”

[Pause.]

[They look to where you point. You made them breakfast but apparently, Fae can’t appreciate bacon]

[W, gushing] “She made us bacon and eggs!”

[SFX: Homf homf hungry Fae]

[...Apparently, Fae CAN appreciate bacon]

[Pause…]

[J] “...He has much more of an appetite than I do, but thank you. I’ll treasure it later… Is it time for us to be off, then? Sounded like a rush job from Mr. Bunyip, hm?”

[Pause]

[J, somehow managing to blush a little] “Will you… be joining us…?”

[Pause?]

[W] “Enh, the answering service can worry about the phone for a bit. It’s your first day, you should see how we operate! And, don’t you worry that gorgeous head of yours, you’re perfectly safe with us on your arm!”

[Pause…]

[SFX: The Listener getting her coat]

[W] “YES! Jake, get the car! It’s gonna be one Hell of a morning!”

[Jacob sighs until you pat his arm a bit. You know what it’s like to be the one worrying about everything]

[J] “...Alright. This way, sweetheart. Let’s try to avoid an incident on your first day, OK?”

[Pause…]

[J] “...A second incident on your first day, yes… C’mon, Will! Time to go do our job!”

[SFX: Fade out on them locking up/heading out or BGM: something jaunty from the forties]

[To be continued?]

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Note: Inb4 these doofuses say, "Yes, mother" to the Listener so many times they start calling her Mommy.