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Tagline: Oh, was your Tinder thing last night? Darn.

Tone: Carefree, energetic, almost too friendly

Optional SFX: Hum and clatter of a laboratory

WC: 1527, ~10-12 minutes

Directions in [brackets], tone notes in (parentheses)

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[Laboratory door opening]

(Rambling) Good morning! Is it morning? I didn’t really sleep- I’ve made so much progress and done so much since you clocked out yesterday. I’ve got a new plan to harass the scientists in Antarctica, and the man-eating roses are coming along so nicely. Come, I want to show you this batch I made that’s budding in your favorite color.

What’s got your safety goggles all in a twist? Is the shade off, because these will probably lighten in color as they bloom and then they’ll be right.

Oh, yes! That’s one of the other updates I wanted to give you. Spot was just so active and hyperactive last night; I think she had a case of the zoomies, you know? So I let her off the leash, so to speak, and let her wreak a little havoc downtown. After all, how can I say no to that snarling, spitting, tentacled cutie? She brought us back a bike as a gift; isn’t she just a darling?

Hmm, I believe she scratched up a skyscraper or two, dug up a park and some trees. She went to the bathroom on a purse-snatcher which just tickles me pink because that means her training is going well.

Ahh, yes, that’s right, she did use the suspension bridge as a swing, and it didn’t hold. I’ve been telling the government and heroes council for years that tax money should be going into public infrastructure, and I hate to have to tell them “I told you so” when I crash the next town hall.

[Laugh] I know, that’s bullshit. I love shoving their failures in their face; I’ll record it for posterity. Why are you so grumpy then? You hated that rickety thing and called it an eyesore.

I thought your date was at seven? You live way outside of downtown, and I let Spot out to play right about then.

It sounds to me that if he had been on time, this would have been avoided, and he wouldn’t have tragically fallen off the bridge into the river. That’s what I like about you, always so punctual. You’re one of a kind.

I’m not trying to make you less mad with compliments because I don’t know why you’re mad at me! How was I supposed to know your date would be late? All I was concerned with was our beloved Spot here stretching her legs and being happy. Look at that face. Could you have said no to it? Besides, isn’t this the same man who kept trying to get you to listen to his podcast?

Then didn’t this all work out for the best? You should be thanking me even! Here, I’ll start for you. “Wow, you’re the best boss ever on top of being the most dastardly villain to ever plague the earth. I love being paid to fulfill your vision and do evil by your side and would totally kiss you if I had the chance.” Now you try.

I know you don’t mean that~ I still have that Best Boss Ever mug you gave me for my birthday, so I’m practically quoting you verbatim.

You would never.

This was an accident, a coincidence! You wouldn’t break my heart over happenstance, would you?

Another unfortunate coincidence- I had no way of knowing the restaurant I set on fire was where your high school sweetheart worked. All I knew was that they gave me food poisoning and really disgusting appletinis.

Another coincidence that is nowhere near my fault, even less than the other ones- how was I supposed to know your blind date was a superhero? You didn’t know either! Also, if I hadn’t blown up the Temple of Fortitude, it would have been another villain, so blaming me specifically is so unfair.

That- now that was self-defense! I didn’t vaporize that woman the other day because she hit on you, I vaporized her because she was a cop who had a gun pointed at me… which was scary by the way, and you didn’t even comfort me when she shot me.

Just because I can bend the rules of life and death doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary! The Resurrection Machine hurts like a bitch!

I know you don’t mean that either; you’ll always put me in the chamber in time for a thunderstorm. After all, who will sign your paychecks and genetically engineer pig-sized fire-breathing dragons for your birthday gift?

[Laugh] Oh, so that’ll convince you to keep me around and not my sparkling wit, my excellent company? Ouch.

I know you’re joking, don’t you worry. I’ve never thought for a second that working with villains had made you one. You’re still so sweetly soft-hearted even when you’re frustrated.

(Sympathetic) Yeah, I know, I get it. I hear dating can be rough these days with apps, hook-up culture, work-life balance, all that, and I can imagine how it must feel to jump through all of those hoops and still feel lonely at the end of it. That must be really hard, and I’m sorry you feel that way.

No, I’m not looking for anyone myself; I’ve got everything I need right here.

[Laugh] Well, I can’t wait for the day you love your job as much as I do mine. I know it’ll happen just as I know you’ll find the one. You just have to be patient a little longer. You can’t rush this sort of thing, not when it’s so imperative to find someone that’s worthy of you, as difficult as that may be.

Of course I mean that. Do I lie, especially to you? I may terrorize, immolate, and murder, but do I lie?

Then believe me when I say that the right person will come along, the one who will sweep you off your feet, and you shouldn’t settle for anything less until then. You are stunning, intelligent, and a ray of sunshine everywhere you go, especially in this dreary lab. You are the best assistant and, dare I say, friend I could ever ask for, and I think you deserve the world. (Light, playful) Now, how can someone possibly give you that when my plans succeed and the world is ours? They’ll simply have to be more creative.

(Serious) That won’t be possible; once something is mine, it’s mine. (Light) Except for the parts of the world I will give you, of course, my lovely assistant.

Of course, you think I want to rule at the top by myself? That would be too lonely. You will get a whole continent, two even. I know you’ve always dreamed of giving the Aboriginal people of Australia back their land, and soon you’ll be able to.

You told me about it when you had too many hard ciders at our last Happy Hour. You also told me the only thing you’d ask in return is a few acres of land and as many emus as you can handle. Your younger self was very affected by reading about The Emu Wars, I gathered.

You don’t have to justify it. Like I said, you are one of a kind, unique and sweet and empathetic to the smallest of creatures. I’ve always loved this about you and will help however I can.

[Hug] Are we good then? Are you done being mad at me?

You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s so unfortunate your date last night didn’t work out, and that must have been really frustrating. I’m just happy I could support you and help you feel better.

Good. You know what else might help raise your spirits?

The dragons are hungry and haven’t been fed yet. I held off because I know how much you love to be the one to do it.

I agree, they’re happier when you do it anyway. I have some whole chickens defrosting in the kitchen if you’d like to grab those and feed them before we start work today.

[Laboratory door opening, optional dragon noises] (Manipulative, cold) Yes, yes, I know you’re not really hungry after last night’s meal, but our friend knows your schedule too well and would be so worried if you didn’t at least nibble. We don’t want to worry them, do we?

That’s right, attaboys. That’s the spirit- a few more little accidents and secret meals for you both, and they’ll get the hint. I’ll get to have them all to myself, and you two will be right by our side on a cozy ranch in the Outback. Doesn’t that sound nice and worth gorging yourself stuffed on an Andrew Tate wannabe every so often?

Good. Keep it up.

[Laboratory door opening] (Warm, effusive) There you are, let me give you a hand; those have got to still be cold.

Of course. Now, after this, could you take a look at those flowers I was telling you about? They’re already carnivorous, but I think we could really maximize their damage potential by making them produce toxic pollen. Then why don’t we take an early break and try out that brunch place around the corner? My treat.