Context: The Paladin's Community College for Monster Taming is all about, well, monster taming. You, a mysterious monster, have been paired with an interesting young man that seems a bit in over his head. You can't exactly make it easy on him... can you?

Setting: The forest clearing - PCCMT

Tags:[MM4A][Enemies to ?][Monster Tamer Professor Speaker][Monster Tamer Newbie Speaker][Mysterious Monster Listener][Spicy]but[Mostly Comedy][Fight][Attempted Taming][Speaker Trolling][CW: Implied Intersexuality/Shapeshifting Shenanigans/SPICE]

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[P] = Professor Percy

[T] = Tim

[Scene opens in a forest clearing]

[SFX: A bit of static before [P] begins to speak]

[P] “Greetings, new student! My name is Professor Percy Wilkamn. So, let me be the first to say ‘welcome’! Getting accepted into the Paladin Community College of Monster Taming is a TREMENDOUS honor! Since this is day ten in your curriculum, Mr. Kellmann, you will have been assigned a monster already. How are you finding it, thus far?”

[SFX: Heated monster roars and screeches/ poor Tim desperately trying to dodge]

[P] “...Mr. Kellmann?”

[T] “YEP! GREAT! Doing great, Percy! Hey, ah, any idea what the FUCK I might be dealing with, here?!”

[SFX: More angry Listener noises]

[P] “Identifying the monster is task one, Mr. Kellmann… but I suppose I could assist some. Can you describe your monster?”

[T] “FUCK! Large! Werewolf-sized! Long mane, walks on all fours but I’ve seen them stand upright! They have a bronze, horned mask obscuring their face!”

[Pause…]

[A noticeable silence]

[P] “Aahhhh….. Ahhhhm… Wait, if it’s that size, how do you get it out to a school-approved enchanted clearing?”

[T] “Tranquilizer dart and bribing the football team to help lift ‘em out here. Had to get a little creative, admittedly, but there weren’t any rules listed for transporting your assigned monster, so long as you’re not hurting them or others. Right?”

[P] “...Who did you say admitted you to the school again?”

[T] “I didn’t. Now, could you please give me some help?! This thing has shot elemental spells from its damned eye sockets: earth, wind, fire, air, AND I saw some kind of void light bubbling up in there! Passed out before it could launch that one, fortunately!”

[Pause!]

[P] “...You, ah… You appear to be in a large amount of danger, Mr. Kellmann. I can’t find any records of such a monster in our repository.”

[T] “Yeah, not so easy, is it?! And, no, they have one set of arms and one set of legs, no claws! Their skin is like some kind of smoothed geode, no consistent color!”

[P] “O-Oh, ah… That is… um… Maybe I should ask Professor Aphroditus?”

[SFX: Even angrier screeches/attacks]

[T] “Hey! Hey… Easy… Easy girl… Good girl… C’mon… So we tried to kill each other on our first meeting, yeah? I’ve had relationships start way worse than that! We can make it work, scary lady… Yeah? Why can’t we be friends, huh?”

[SFX: The Listener roaring at him]

[T, into his little talky-box] “Professor, ah… I’m not sure I can ID this one. It’s quadrupedal but I’ve seen it stand up and walk like a humanoid. It’s got some sort of horned, bronzed mask on its head… It seems able to change between elemental attacks, indicated by whatever emerges from the eye sockets of the mask before it lashes out. Intelligence level seems… disturbingly high. That’s all the information I have.”

[SFX: A mild amount of static]

[P] “Erm, well, have you identified its sex, Tim? You keep calling it a good girl but I haven’t exactly heard a clarification on its physicality besides above the neck.”

[Pause…]

[T, in disbelief] “You’re joking. Does it really make THAT much of a difference?!”

[P, stammering] “W-Well, if it's female and carrying eggs or young of some kind, it would explain the aggression toward you!”

[T] “I STABBED IT IN THE ASS WITH A TRANQ DART, PERCY, THAT’S EXPLANATION ENOUGH!”

[P] “Can you just try?! The more info we have, the better! Keep calling it a good girl, it seems to help!”

[SFX: Indignant Listener huffs]

[T, with a groan] “Look, I’m using ‘good girl’ because Dad always said you have a fifty-fifty chance of surviving an angry lady using it. Either she’s caught off guard you had the balls to bring up her daddy issues or she takes your head off. Subject is QUADRUPEDAL, walks on ALL FOURS. The fuck do you want me to do, try and get it to roll over?!”

[P] “Hmm… Well, what about the-”.

[T] “Percy. If it has milkers of any variety, I can’t see ‘em.”

[SFX: A few indignant huffs]

[T] “Shit, it’s getting mad again! U-Uhh, good girl! GOOD GIRL! Roll over!”

[You watch this confused, petrified fool drop to the ground and show you his belly like a dog]

[...]

[T] “Like this, see? Mmhm, I’m just rolling around, showing you my belly! We’re friends! Haha! PERCY, FOR THE LOVE OF PROPERLY MADE TACOS-!”

[...]

[SFX: A metallic ‘thump’]

[P] “What was that?! Tim???”

[T] “...It lied down… and showed me its belly…”

[P] “WHAT-?!”

[T] “...OK. Alright. You’re baiting me, I can feel it… But whatever teeth you got are locked behind that bronze mask, you just remember that, alright?”

[Pause.]

[He leans down into your space, shining his little mini-moonlight on your body]

[P] “...Tim?”

[T] “...So, ah… What exactly do you call a critter that looks to have both?”

[P] “...Both what.”

[T] “...You know what I mean, Percy. I’m not going to sit here in this awkward-ass Hell alone, alright? It has both. Prominently. Unabashedly, one might say. Or it’s trolling me on a level beyond my comprehension. Uh… ‘They’?”

[SFX: Distant, panicked Google searching]

[P] “Ahm… I guess? Does it, er, they, seem bothered by this horrendously awkward conversation? This is somewhat unorthodox on multiple levels, and given that you mentioned their intelligence appears to be quite high…”

[T] “I mean… It does lick itself like a cat… The only holes in the mask are the eye sockets so the tongue sort of… slithers on out via that. Pretty damned long. But, also, they clean themselves like a cat, maybe. Is that a knock against or for intelligence?”

[P] “I’ll be real with you… I have no goddamn idea. Can you confirm if it, godamnit, they seem cognizant of our discussion?”

[...]

[T] “...Dunno, lemme ask them. Hey! Muffins!”

[SFX: Grumpy monster Listener noises]

[Pause?]

[T] “Do you prefer to be a brother or a mother? You know… If such concepts exist for something of your species. Your species. You know. The species of…?”

[He rolls his hand like he’s asking you to fill in the blanks]

[...]

[...Does this dense idiot really think you can’t understand him?]

[T] “...They aren’t answering. I guess they really don’t understand the Queen’s English. Probably was alive when the Queen was little, eh? I wonder if you’d even care that the old lady bit it a few years back?”

[... Well now you know that vampire was full of shit, at least]

[SFX: A few annoyed Listener huffs]

[T] “Yeah, no clue… Well, I guess we got task one of, let’s see… one-hundred thousand completed…”

[He lets out an exasperated sigh]

[T] “...Cool. Don’t suppose you’ll just let me sedate you so it’s not a knockout wrestling match to get you back to campus?”

[You stand and stare him down, huffing through the mask]

[SFX: The Listener squaring up and Tim sighing while reaching for his walkie-talkie]

[T] “Percy, let the RA know I’ll be getting back post curfew. Seems like Muffins here wants to do things the hard way.”

[SFX: Another angry huff]

[P] “O-OK… I’ll run a report to Professor Aphroditus. Um… good luck?”

[T, with a sigh] “Thanks… Alright, Muffins, you big, weird son of a bitch! Time for another nap!”

[SFX: Fade out on angry Listener roars]

[To be continued?]

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Note: When your monster has the same disposition as a bratty husky on steroids