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This is easily my most popular character and honestly I have to physically restrain myself from writing more of her, because she's just so freakin fun. I'm kinda surprised nobodies ever called me out on how similar she is to Yzma from the emperors new groove tho. (That wasn't intentional but I think I was subconsciously influenced lol). I mean she's a hammy evil chick who likes purple and turns people into animals because she wouldn't be as fun and kinda sympathetic if she just killed them. Hell her orks are basically an entire army of Kronks. Also dont aske me why but I always picture her looking like a goth Sara Bareilles.

Archive: https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/x9hb9v/script_archive/

Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/timeraft

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Sequel to these

[Your evil queen is an adorkable disaster](https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/wteaww/f4ayour_evil_queen_is_kind_of_a_dork_tbh/)

[Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/xjqa1h/f4a_evil_queen_kidnaps_a_hero_part/)

[Part 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/1349mfd/ff4a_rescued_from_a_good_queen_by_an_evil_queen/)

Also Shares a universe with these

[Stuck being the Chosen One of a pushy Guardian](https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/1148e87/a4astuck_being_the_chosen_one_of_a_pushy_guardian/)

[Evil fairy terrorizes weirdly relaxed peasant](https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/14pn606/f4a_evil_fairy_terrorizes_weirdly_relaxed_peasant/)

and

[Your evil Lawyer helps you organize your evil empire as a 501 C3 non profit organization](https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/175ueur/a4a_your_evil_lawyer_helps_you_organize_your_evil/)

Dialogue

Sfx

Context

Context that changes the audio

The evil queen is in her throne room wrapping up the day.

Very evil job today everyone! You're the best handmaidens an evil queen could ever ask for. Really ten out of ten job. Thanks to you guys my vizier says crime is both way up and way down! Not sure how that works but hey, that number crap is their job.

That's enough evil for today though! Make sure you guys go home and get well rested! Can't do very much evil on less than eight hours of sleep after all! Go unwind a bit!

Ninja maids don't forget to leave your weapons with the armorer to have the blood and guts properly removed, I know it's annoying but we gotta keep those clean.

And for those of you in the dark magic study group there will be no lessons tomorrow. Instead I’m giving you homework. Your assignment for the week is to get together and put a really nasty hex on my vizier. You'll be graded on creativity, cruelty, pettiness, and general panache.

Oh and make sure they fill out this form afterwards! That dweeb loves filling out forms.

Now off with you!

She dismisses them

Oh and Jacqueline! Hang back a second. I'd like a word!

Yes Jaqueline, I'm not upset with you or anything. You’re one of my best handmaidens. You’re stylish, efficient, cruel, and handy with a machete. Everything I ask for in a servant. It's just I’d like to give you some feedback if that's ok?

Yes and again- I’m not mad, just concerned. I've simply noticed that it seems you have no current plans to overthrow me and take over the kingdom for yourself? Correct me if I’m wrong.

I told you this during orientation, but I’ll repeat it. I expect all of my evil handmaidens to be plotting against me at all times. Try teaming up with Janet. She's got a really evil plan! She's been smuggling a whole ass trebuchet in here piece by piece and I am beyond excited to see what she's gonna do with it!

Have an evil night!

Jaqueline leaves

Ahhhhhhh what a hard day's work. Nothing quite so satisfying as a good day's evil. It ain't much but it's dishonest work, as they say. Time to unwind a bit. Gotta take a break.

Stretches until there's a pop

Oh yeahh there we go.

Just gonna slip out of my work clothes

E PLURIBUS UNUM!

Ahhhh pajamas. There's no feeling like lounging on a throne in your PJs. Let's sink into a very threatening slouch.

I should kidnap my florist for some cuddles. That sounds rather nice today.

Should I? Oh I really shouldn't. Which is why I should!

Evil is so complicated sometimes. Alas

Eh screw it! I want some snugs and I shall receive snugs! Whether they like it or not! And I know they shall like it!

Ab Urbe Condita!!!!

Evil laugh

Magic noises

Behold florist! I possess such power that I can pluck you across the city with but a word! Cower before my arcane might! Fall silent in the face of my overwhelming dark beauty! Collapse at my feet and beg that your life may be precious in my eyes! Kneel! Kneel before I, your evil queen!

I said kneel dang it! I’m your queen/girlfriend and I want to see some bloody prostrating!

That's more like it florist, that's more like it!

I have called you here for the darkest act of vile depravity known to man! An act so evil even the eldest abominations of the farthest depths of the shadow realm have naught seen it's like!

Nay this act shall live in infamy for ten thousand years!

Yes! Yes florist you have no choice! Bend to my will! Obey me and embrace thy destiny! Give unto me my darkest desire and fulfill the prophecy!

Make me the little spoon!

Listener cant see how that's evil

Don't you dare say that's not evil! That's the evilest thing ever!

I don't need to explain! To the bed! Now!

Oh! Would you like a muffin? One of my handmaidens brought them in today as part of her evil plan to ruin my diet. They're quite tasty, they're boysenberry! She also brought in some cheetos

No? Well I'm gonna have one.

Nom nom nom

They enter the bedroom

Behold florist! The place where the cuddles shall commence! My evil evil bed!

It's literally covered with plush animals

There are not too many plushies! There's totally still room for more.

Plus I get kinda anxious at night…….

Er uh

changes subject

Do you like this black dragon? It's my favorite plushie. It used to be a real dragon.

Behold! Darkdamion the Vile! Once upon a time his wings blocked out the sun! His claws rended flesh and his breath turned bones into ash! All cliché dragon boasts could be ascribed to him and indeed they were! He ruled over this shepherd tribe up north in the Big Ugly mountains. Eating sheep and kidnapping maidens. Uninspired perhaps, but solid work nonetheless.

So eventually one of their guys came down and begged me to slay their dragon.

Right!? Do they take me for some kind of hero? But then he started going on and on about how evil this dragon was. So I asked if he was eviler than me. Y'know I gotta keep track of what the competition is doing. I can't afford to be complacent after all. You might find this hard to believe but the evil industry is very cutthroat.

And this shepherd! This mountain yokel had the audacity to tell me -the evil queen- that this glorified lizard was eviler than I was! In my own throne room no less!

Oh I was livid! I saw red that day. I thought about turning that shepherd into a mollusk of some form but I had something to prove. I mean they were thinking that this dime a dozen dragon was worse than me! I don't work sixty hours a week just to get the fucking silver medal from an oversized Iguana! He didn't even know any spells! He just flew around willy nilly and relied on his fire breath to strike fear in people's souls. I've literally summoned dragons that could have eaten this one for breakfast and still been hungry.

So I grabbed this insolent little shepherd by the ear, dragged him up to the mountain with me and made his whole stupid little village watch as I zapped the dragon into this plushie!

Sure showed him right?! Freaking hillbilly. Wouldn't know evil if it stabbed him in the back!

And then I took over their valley and reoriented their economy around tourism! Thereby cheapening their cultural experience, making their towns industries overly vulnerable to economic stressors and raising property values to unsustainable levels!

Snuggles plushie

Yes, isn't that right little dragon. I sure showed those shepherds didn't I? It doesn't get any more evil than me.

Happy sigh

Remembers cuddles

Now spoon me damn it! Or I'll zap you into a plushie as well!

There's totally still room for one more! Right there on that little sliver of open space. Do not test me! Assume the spooning position at once!

Excellent work. Now I shall take my hair down and join you.

They struggle with their hairpins

Sorry this might take a while I kinda overdid it on the pins today. I like having lots of sharp implements in my hair in case I decide I need to throw down in a more “analog” way y'know?

Like yeah it's loads of fun to just zap a hero into a fat slimy toad, but sometimes I find a certain satisfaction in stabbing them through the eye with one of these hairpins instead. It's the little things in life my Florist.

Metallic Clattering

Ahhhh at long last my raven locks may flow down my shoulders as a waterfall of evil. Tell me oh Florist, have you ever seen a beauty that could match anywhere between heaven and earth?

Listener gives them a genuine and almost poetic compliment.

Squee

Do you really mean that?

Er I mean uh of course you do!

She sits on the bed

You're so sweet. I should make you my court poet. You have such a way with words. My last one wasn't so great. Want to hear his magnum opus?

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I love evil

How about you?

Like to be fair he got the spirit. I'll give him that, but it was just lacking in execution. Made me look like I was some kind of dork! Which I am totally not!

So I turned him into a parrot, which I regret. Because now he's just flying around the tower making a huge ruckus and pooping everywhere while shouting whatever his latest poem is. And my Orks keep leaving him snacks because they think his poetry is funny!

I could do better even!

Your roses are dead

Your violets are too

You better start running

Before I get you too!

Wait no you can't rhyme a word with itself. Poetry is difficult. But at least I don't run around calling myself a poet! When I file my taxes I list my occupation as “Cruel Dictateress”!

She lies down on the bed.

Now embrace me florist! Hold me in your arms so that for a moment I may know peace and relaxation. Join me and we shall let the world melt away for a while.

Ahhhh this is nice. It feels good to be held like this. I'm just a tiny little cinnamon bun. I'm glad you're so freakishly tall.

Well I'm not short! So you must be tall!

Listener asks why they don't use magic to get taller

I don't need to use magic to make myself taller, because I'm not short! And since you are taller than me ergo, you -florist- are freakishly tall.

Now silence! I must unwind!

Munch

What? Of course I eat Cheetos in bed! I'm evil! And not just any Cheetos. Oh no no no, that would be crass perhaps, but not evil.

Flaming hot Cheetos-hotter than the fires of all nine hells! Want some?

Listener says sure

Well too bad! No eating in my bed!

Evil laugh

Would you like to watch something on the magic mirror? I recorded the annual torturers guild awards.

Hmmm yeah those are always trite. How about The real succubusses of Gehenna?

Nahhhhhhh reality TV has been really dry lately.

Oooh hey check out this footage from the last kingdom I conquered!

Look at those miserable weeping peasants!

Well yes they do seem to be cheering with joy, but my vizier informed me it was opposite day in that kingdom. So obviously they are bitterly lamenting their fate as my subjects now and forever more!

Hey, what's your favorite movie?

Oh I know what we should watch! I recently created a spell that makes terrible unnecessary low budget sequels to good movies! Prepare to suffer!

How about we watch the sequel to Casablanca? It's called Texarkana and is about Rick and Ilsa getting back together anyway offscreen-totally invalidating the ending of the last movie- and racing super-modifieds in the rural Arkansas dirt track circuit. Also Louis gets an entire monologue about how he is explicitly not bisexual!

Play button sounds

Mmmmmm hold me tighter florist! And don't let go until the movie’s over. Or I'll turn you into the little spoon. And nibble on your ear.... and call you pet names..... and .......

They drift off

Satisfied cuddle noises

-30-