It's Halloween night, and you're on your way to a mysterious party at a secluded old manor on the edge of town. Outside you meet a charming girl in a very convincing vampire costume and the two of you chat a bit… only for you to realize she's a real vampire!

You quickly learn you're not at just any Halloween party. You've stumbled on the Monster's Ball, a legendary night of supernatural revelry attended by all manner of monsters and creatures of the night – and more than a few of them are interested in being your date. It's up to you to decide which of thirteen unique and colorful characters (including a vampire, a zombie, a werewolf, a fairy, an incubus/succubus couple, a three-headed chimera, and more) you want to spend the spookiest night of the year with in this Halloween choose-your-own-adventure story with 10 alternate endings.

This is a script for a Halloween choose-your-own-adventure collab I organized with 13 VAs and 6 writers this year. It was so much fun collaborating with so many immensely talented people, and I really appreciate all the hard work and creativity everyone who participated put into their roles. I hope others will enjoy the final product as much as I did. The full cast and writers list is included below.

u/Starry_Night369 as Vicky, a confident and flirty vampire (Ending by u/Stormcoming7)

u/DeluluDeliria as Zoe, a shy but kind zombie (Ending by u/NataliaFinnVT)

u/KyrianW as Phillip, a cold and blunt but emotionally aware phantom (Ending by u/PrepareThyBedlam)

u/Baby_Dragon_Fly as Faye, a sweet and bubbly but slightly human-obsessed fairy (Ending by u/GoldenProxy)

u/Simple_Mastermind as Warren, a competitive and boisterous werewolf (Ending by u/NineTailsScripts)

u/StonefallVA as Damon, a friendly and jovial woodland dryad (Ending by u/Patient-Departure626)

u/ChaChaBoop as Gabby, a nerdy, tomboy goblin girl who has an academic interest in humans (Ending by u/Lalo_ASMR_Alt)

u/penguinarmyfamila as Lana, a lonely and shy lamia (Ending by u/Stormcoming7)

u/TheWickedQueen_ as Clarissa, the smooth and flirty cobra head of a three-headed chimera (Ending by u/Lalo_ASMR_Alt)

u/NataliaFinnVT as Tabby, the confident and jealous tiger head of the chimera (Ending by u/Lalo_ASMR_Alt)

u/JouskaByNight as Ozzy, the foolish ostrich head of the chimera (Ending by u/Lalo_ASMR_Alt)

u/kainpai as Ivan, a suave and charming incubus (Ending by u/Lalo_ASMR_Alt)

u/TaesTeahouse as Sabrina, Ivan's equally charismatic and flirty succubus girlfriend (Ending by u/Lalo_ASMR_Alt)

Link to the script on Scriptbin, the full text is also below.

My other scripts fills.

Characters

[V] Vicky

[Z] Zoe

[P] Phillip

[F] Faye

[W] Warren

[D] Damon

[G] Gabby

[L] Lana

[C] Clarissa

[T] Tabby

[O] Ozzy

[I] Ivan

[S] Sabrina

[Footsteps]

[V] Oh hey. Late to the party too, huh? Don't sweat it… the cool kids are always fashionably late to this thing.

[V] I haven't seen you around before. New in town? My name's Victoria, but my friends call me Vicky. What's yours?

…

[V] Mhm. Pleasure to meet you.

…

[V] "Nice costume?" Uh… what costume? I don't usually dress up to this thing, not really my style.

…

[V] (Confused) ...What? This isn't a costume, silly. I'm a vampire. Duh, see the fangs? Anyway, let's get on up those stairs and get inside before the mermaids and mermen get their clammy little hands all over the jello cups.

[V] Last year there wasn't a single one left by the time I showed up, can you believe that? You'd think they'd watch their diet since it's swimsuit season year round for them, but who knows. I'll never understand sea monsters.

[V] Here, after you.

[Door opens]

[V] Man, I've been coming to this manor on Halloween for the past hundred years or so, you'd think they'd change up the decor a little once a while. (Laugh) I guess Victorian is supposed to be timeless.

[V] So, uh… what are you supposed to be?

…

[V] (Laugh) No, not your costume. I mean what kind of monster are you?

…

[V] No, you heard me right. What kind of monster are you? You look pretty, uh, human. (Laugh) When I saw you standing outside I was trying to figure out if you're, like, a werewolf that was saving their transformation for the dance floor or what.

[V] You're not a vampire, I know that much. Your teeth are way too small to be one of us.

…

[V] You're a little slow on the uptake, huh? Don't worry… it's actually kind of cute. (Laugh) I already said I don't mean your costume, I mean what kind of actual monster are–

[V] Wait a minute… that outfit you're wearing, your voice, the way you talk… You're actually… human, aren't you? That's why you thought I was wearing a costume?

…

[V] Oh my god… it's been, like, decades since one of you showed up here. How'd you even get an invite?

…

[V] Just a Halloween party? (Laugh) Sweetheart, this isn't just a Halloween party. (Whisper) This is the Monster's Ball.

[V] I honestly can't believe I–

…

[Z] Hey, Vicky! You made it! I saved you a couple brownies in a napkin from the snack table downstairs before they ran out, I know you love those. They look so tasty I almost want to eat one myself, but you know I have pretty major dietary issues... being a zombie and all.

[V] Oh, Zoe! You're just in time. Forget the snacks, you're never going to believe who I ran into outside.

[Z] (To listener) Oh hey, how's it going. I'm Zoe. I'd shake your hand, but, uh… as you can see mine is kinda, uh, falling off again… That's what happens when you try to beat an octopus girl at Twister. (Laugh) I was actually on my way to go duct tape it back in place in the bathroom when–

[V] Yeah, yeah, anyway… get this. This one is human.

[Z] What? No way. You are? I mean I know you look human but… I figured you were, I don't know… a skinwalker wearing a pretty cute body to the Ball. I was actually going to compliment you on your fashion sense. You know where you are, right?

…

[Z] Uh, calling this a "Halloween party" is like calling me unhealthy. (Laugh) Technically correct, but… a mega understatement. This is the Monster's Ball.

[Z] (Grandiose voice) Every year on Halloween night, creepy creatures of all kinds – or "monsters" to use our preferred nomenclature – make their way from near and far to this manor for a night of celebration and revelry the ordinary world only sees in dreams… or nightmares. And you, my friend, are the first human we've had show up to the festivities in… god, I'm not even sure how long.

…

[V] Yes, what she's trying to say is that we're real monsters. I'm a real vampire, these fangs aren't plastic. (Softer) Some other parts are, but the fangs aren't. (Normal voice) And that arm practically hanging off my undead bestie isn't some prop either. She's a real zombie, a genuine living corpse.

[Z] Yep. It's not just us, either. Take a look behind me. See that dude in the bowtie with the single-lens sunglasses? He's a cyclops. See that chick with the horns and hooves doing karoake by the bar? She's a satyr. See that couple in the tight black outfits taking turns whipping each other over by the stairwell? She's a succubus, her boyfriend is an incubus… their kind really needs to learn to get a room, in my opinion. But yeah, point is… we're all real monsters.

[Z] Uh… I can see you're a little… surprised. There's no need to be scared or anything. I mean… sure… some of us have a bit of a bad reputation with humans.

[V] That's putting it mildly. (Laugh)

[Z] Hey come on, don't scare them! There's a standing tradition at the Monster's Ball that we don't hurt anyone or cause any harm, especially to humans. Tonight's not about that. It's about having fun, letting loose, letting your claws and fangs and wings hang free... the kind of stuff monsters never get to do the rest of the year when we're busy, uh... monstering. So, like… don't worry. I'm not going to eat your brains or anything, for example.

[Z] Okay I see by the look on your face I shouldn't have said the words "eat" and "brains" in the same sentence, but… I mean, I was just trying to explain I'm not going to! I don't even want to! I mean… not that I'm sure they aren't tasty or whatever, I mean you look smart, I'm sure your brains are as big and juicy as any other human–

[V] Yeah, yeah, save it Zoe. God you zombies are the worst flirts I've ever seen – and that's counting mantis girls.

[Z] (Defensive) Hey! That's not true… and I wasn't flirting, exactly, I was just… I mean… well even if I was flirting, would you… be okay with that? I mean… you seem like a cool person. I'd kind of like to get to know you better if–

[V] Yeah, you and every other monster here. (To listener) Excuse my friend tripping over her own rotted tongue. There's one thing you have to know about monsters… most of us are very interested in humans. Some of us… dangerously so, honestly.

[V] Kind of ironic given half of us also eat humans, or drink them in my case, but… the heart wants what it wants. (Laugh) And what this vampire's heart wants is for you to be my date to this Ball. So come on, cutie, let's go dance. I'll show you some great flapper moves I picked up in the 1920s, it'll be fun. You know I once dated F. Scott Fitzgerald? True story. I'll tell you all about it when–

[Z] Wait, I mean… before you go–

[Eerie ghost sound]

[P] (Deadpan) What's happening here? (Acknowledging the others) Vicky, Zoe… and I don't think I've met you before, have I? You have very striking eyes… I'd remember them.

…

[V] Oh, Phil. I didn't think you'd be at this party.

[Z] (To listener) This is Phillip, our ghost friend.

[P] I prefer the term phantom. And I died on these grounds, Victoria, my spirit is trapped here for eternity. It's impossible for me to not be at this party. Your friend is human, by the way.

[Z] We know. But how did you know that?

[P] Spirits have a sixth sense for these things, no pun intended. We can recognize a kindred spirit still inhabiting its mortal shell… and your spirit is quite the vibrant one, if I might say so, friend.

[V] Oh don't you start flirting with them, too… (Groan)

[P] Who's flirting? I only paid a compliment where it's due. This human has a warm soul… I can feel it flowing over them like a... heated blanket, soft to the touch. It's a pleasant feeling.

[P] Don't be alarmed by my appearance, human. Here, feel my hand on your cheek… tickles a little, doesn't it, the energy?

[P] I'm not so different from you, only older and… well, ghostlier. Hence the glowing, pale, translucent skin. But I'm not a true monster in the way of most guests at the Ball – ghosts are merely humans lingering a little after their time.

[P] I can tell you're not like most people here, either, in form or in spirit. I think I'd like to spend more time with you… if you'd be interested.

[V] (Sarcastic) Generous offer, Phil, but unfortunately they're already my date, and I'm not big on sharing.

[Z] (Soft) Uh, they actually didn't make a decision on–

[P] Come now. The two of you are… amusing, but I'm sure our mutual friend would prefer the company of a soul akin to his own over a night with a bloodsucking goth or a girl so dead she can't keep her limbs on straight.

[V] Hey!

[Z] Hey!

[Z] You're dead too, genius! At least one of us has a body at all. It's easy to insult other people's bodies when you're just ectoplasm or whatever.

[Z] Don't listen to him, human. I may be dead, or undead, depending on your point of view… but ask people who know me, I can still be the life of the party. Ever played limbo with a zombie?

[V] And you're not the only former human here, either, Phil. How do you think most vampires are made?

[P] I'm the only former human who remains similar to what I was before. Trust me, human, I can understand you. And you'll find that though my manner might seem a trifle cold… I can be warm, too, in my own way. I get along better with people more like me.

[V] Well then, I'm sure there are plenty of great girls and guys for you out in the cemetery across the street, but this human is–

[Magical sound]

[F] Did someone say "human?"

[V] (Groan) Oh no.

[Z] Oh… hi, Faye.

[P] (Deadpan) Oh, my favorite fairy.

[F] I'm ever so sorry to interrupt, everyone, pardon my rudeness. But, you know, I just couldn't help overhearing–

[V] You mean eavesdropping.

[F] (Passive aggressive) Overhearing a little of your conversation and I believe someone said there's a human at the Monster's Ball tonight? Is that you, my little friend?

…

[F] Oh, splendid! I'm ever so pleased to make your acquaintance. I am Faye the fairy. It's been so, so long since I met a human… I'm awfully fond of humans. (Laugh) I only wish more of them came and stayed in my mushroom circle…

[P] It might help if you didn't act so utterly obsessed with them from the moment you met them.

[F] (Defensive) I don't act obsessed! I'm just… full of love and affection, is all, and sometimes that comes out in a way that's a little… intimidating. But I have nothing but love for humans, I promise, you'll see. Say… this is a little strange but… oh its been so long since I met a human! Can I give you a hug?

…

[F] Oh thank you! Here we go, let me just wrap my arms around you and bring you in real close. Mmm. (Whisper) Doesn't that feel all nice and warm? Fairies give the best hugs in the world.

[F] Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Now you can be my date to the Monster's Ball.

[P] I'm afraid this human is spoken for.

[F] What? By who?

[Z] Uh… a couple of monsters actually–

[F] Well whoever it is, no frightening, scary, terrible monster is a proper date for a kind, gentle, adorable human like this. They need the gentle touch of the fae, not the rough hands of the undead… no offense to present company.

[V] (Defensive) Hey! The three of us may be undead, but at least we were all human once and we see them as actual people. Fairies like you see humans as exotic pets, living stuffed animals to dress up and sit across from at your tea parties.

[F] (Defensive) And is there something wrong with being an exotic pet for a fairy? We treat our pets ever so nicely, we feed them and care for them and shower them in love… Say, human, maybe you'd like to hear more about what it would be like to be my pet…

[Z] (Whisper) Trust me, she's insane.

[F] Would you like to feel my wings, human? They're the softest things ever, oh you'll love them. I only let my very special friends touch them, but you seem like a–

[Growl]

[W] What are you all barking about over here? That's usually my thing.

[Z] Oh hey Warren. You're looking dapper in that blue suit jacket, really suits your fur color. A human showed up to the Monster's Ball.

[W] Oh… a human. That's interesting…

[V] Everyone wants to be their date.

[W] Well I don't. I know most monsters are crazy for humans, but I'm not… They're all weak and soft and squishy compared to us… they're nothing special. I don't get why monsters are so obsessed with them. I mean take a werewolf like me, I can tear through metal with my bare teeth and run faster than a jaguar… compared to that what makes some regular old human off the street so special?

[V] Good. So you won't mind someone else taking them, then.

[W] (Quickly) I didn't say that. I mean… even though humans aren't anything special… it still might be kind of interesting to have a human date... (To listener) If you can even keep up with a werewolf, that is. We party pretty hard, don't expect me to slow my roll on your account. But if you think you can handle it… you look like you might be kind of fun to spend time with, maybe…

[F] Don't get any funny ideas, wolf. This human is mine, if they want a mangy dog I can take them by the pet shelter later to pick up one with better fashion sense… Why are you here, anyway, don't you have bones to be chewing or something? (Laugh)

[W] Don't you have pixie dust to be snorting, princess?

[F] Fairies and pixies are not even close to–

[Z] Hey, come on, everyone just relax. We don't need to keep getting so heated. We're all friends here… sort of… Well we're all monsters, anyway. And this is the Monster's Ball, this is our night. Let's not bicker.

[P] Good luck asking for civility from someone who goes rabid at the sight of a particularly fat squirrel.

[W] Rabid? Did you just call me rabid, Phillip?

[P] Don't tell me that foam that always gushes at the corners of your mouth when the waiter sets your steak on the table is toothpaste.

[W] I don't foam at the mouth... at least not in public! (To listener) Look, human, I already said I don't care much for your kind, but… I don't want you to get the wrong idea from this bitter poltergeist. He's just mad he hasn't gotten out of the house in decades. It's not true. Not that I have anything to prove to you, or anyone else... but I won't stand for people mocking some of the noblest monsters around. Werewolves almost always do not get rabies.

[V] That's actually true. Of course there is that other pesky problem of going absolutely savage once a month when the moon is full... But at least you probably don't have rabies. (Laugh)

[W] "Savage?" Bold word choice from a woman who takes her coffee red.

[V] Hey, I would never drink someone's blood without their permission. And I have no shortage of willing takers, thank you very much. Besides, at least what I drink can be replenished.

[P] Imagine all this fighting over which part of you you'd like your date to eat when a perfectly eligible bachelor who doesn't want to consume any of you is standing, er, floating, right here.

[Z] To be fair, it's easy to have no appetite when you have no stomach.

[P] I have a heart. That's what matters.

[F] You had a heart, emphasis on had. I, on the other hand, have every organ in place, even the magical ones only fairies have. And I don't want your blood or your flesh or your brains.

[F] Sure, I may be a bit… forward. But at least I'm honest enough to admit when I have a crush on someone.

[W] What is that supposed to mean? I don't have a crush on them, I just met them! I didn't even say I wanted to be their date… I mean I said it might be cool, but I'm not begging for it or anything. I'm not desperate…

[F] When did I say I was talking about you? (Laugh)

[W] I… Shut up!

[F] What's that one human saying… "A hit dog will holler?" (Laugh) Anyway darling, how about we–

[Tree swaying]

[D] (Clears throat) Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I don't mean to interrupt. My name is Damon, I and my friend Gabby, who's sitting on my shoulder here–

[G] (Shy) Hi.

[D] -were wondering if any of you could point us to the cloakroom. Gabby left her coat there and it's getting a bit chilly on the roof. This place is like a maze, it's been so hard to find our way back.

[P] A goblin sitting on a talking plant. Now I've seen it all.

[D] She is a goblin, but I'm actually not a plant, though I see why you might think that given my leaves and branches and flower petals and… okay, I'm sort of a plant. (Laugh) Really I'm a dryad, a living spirit of the forest. We dryads are guardians of nature and the environment, trusted with the care of–

[V] Yeah, yeah, save the speech for your next Greenpeace rally, Damon. We're discussing important stuff.

[D] Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt. My apologies. What are you all up to?

[Z] This human here stumbled into the Monster's Ball, everyone wants to be their date but we can't decide who should get the honor.

[D] Oh, wow! A human. I'm sure I must look very strange to you, I know my appearance is a bit odd to those not well-acquainted with creatures of the forest. (Laugh) That's alright, don't worry. I don't mean you any harm.

[G] A real-life human? Wow…

[W] Well I hope you're not going to try to throw your flower crown in the ring, leaf boy. There are other interested parties.

[D] Well I wouldn't want to pressure them one way or another, and I certainly wouldn't want to prickle any of my fellow monsters. Of course, it would be a pleasant new experience to go to the Ball with a human – variety is what makes the garden of life so intoxicating, after all. But it's entirely your choice, friend. I believe the Monster's Ball should be fun for all who attend, be they monster or human. Although I will say in my favor, there's unlikely to be anyone else here who can grow you a party favor quite like this.

[Flower blooming magic]

[Z] Woah. Is that flower real? It's so beautiful and colorful. How did you just grow it like that in 2 seconds?

[D] Well I am a spirit of the trees, after all. I have a bit of a green thumb. Here, take it. A gift from Mother Nature, really, just by way of her humble servant.

[F] Big deal, I have a thousand flowers like that in the garden behind my home in the fairy realm. They're absolutely gorgeous, you can see them if you choose me. And the difference is, when we cuddle you won't need to spend time picking leaves out of your hair. (Laugh)

[D] That's a little harsh.

[W] Don't try to pluck roses if you can't handle a couple thorns, Damon.

[G] I've never seen a human up close before, outside of my textbooks.

[D] Oh, right. Gabby here is actually studying humans in monster college, she's something of an expert in humanology.

[G] (Shy) Well, I mean, I'm hardly an expert… I just got started with my degree… but, I am a massive human nerd. Er, not a human nerd, obviously. I'm a goblin, if you couldn't tell by the fact that I'm really short and have green skin and pointy ears (Laugh). But, I mean, I'm a nerd for, like, human culture and history… I've always been interested in it, ever since I was a little girl.

…

[G] Oh, all kinds of stuff. I remember how, growing up back home, when the other goblins were out scavenging for gold and gemstones you could always find me curled up with this copy of The Phantom Tollbooth I found in a crate washed up on the beach. I read it, like, 30 times… I loved it so much. Did you know for the longest time I didn't know what parts were true and which were fiction, so I thought talking dogs were real?

[F] Talking dogs are real, just ask Warren here. (Laugh)

[W] You're still here, Tinker Bell? I thought you were supposed to die when people stopped paying attention to you.

[F] And, I thought dogs were supposed to–

[Z] Everyone just calm down, at least let Gabby finish.

[G] Uh, I was just going to say, I mean… it would be really cool to spend tonight with a real human. I have so many questions to ask… and, honestly… it would be really fun to kind of live out that human romance I've only ever read about in the books… I don't know though, I know I'm kind of a nerd, I'm not exactly most people's first choice for a Ball date. Unless… you'd be interested…

[D] I'll say this, having known Gabby quite a long time… she's one of the smartest people you'll ever meet. Sure, she's a nerd… but who doesn't like nerds?

[G] (Embarrassed) Aww, thanks Damon. You're not too bad for a loghead yourself. (Laugh)

[V] So a dryad and a goblin, let me just add that to the list of people in line to steal my date. (Groan) You know, if I had known every monster in a three-mile radius was going to–

[L] Um… hello… sssorrry to intrude. I sssaw you all ssstanding here and was hoping you wouldn't mind me joining you. This is my firssst time at the Monster'sss Ball and I don't really know anyone here, ssso…

[V] Who are you?

[L] I'm Lana. As you can sssee, I'm a lamia… a ssserpent girl. Sorry for my lisssp, it's embarrasssing but I can't control it…

[Z] You can join us if you want. We're not really doing anything, just bickering very immaturely.

[L] About what?

[Z] The human.

[L] Human? You mean… thisss one? You're human?

…

[L] Oh. I rarely meet humansss. Though… I rarely meet anyone, for that matter. I don't have many friendsss or people to ssspend time with. But… it's nissse to meet you.

…

[L] Oh, do you like it? Thank you… I picked out this dresss ssspecially for tonight. It can be hard to find dressesss fitted for a lamia, so I was lucky to find one ssso beautiful. It's probably a little too fansssy for me…

…

[L] That's sssweet of you to sssay. Thank you…

[P] You're quite the snake charmer, human.

[D] Lamias are actually less like snakes and more like serpents, the key difference being that–

[F] No one cares. Now I'll admit the dress looks nice… as much as it can on a reptile, anyway. But I see the way you're eyeing my human, sister, so (Making fun of her lisp) ssslither off.

[V] Your human? Am I all of a sudden just not even in the running anymore? I'm the one who found them in the first place!

[W] Anyone can find a human they like, it's getting them to like you when you're a monster that's the hard part. Trust me…

[Z] (Softly, sarcastic) And you're all doing such a great job of that.

[L] Sssorry, I didn't mean to caussse any trouble… I'll go…

[Z] No, no… it's not your fault. Everyone is just getting so worked up tonight over who gets to be the human's date.

[L] Date? Oh… Well, I've never had a date to the Ball before. Dancing together, holding hands, maybe even a kisss… That might be nissse…

[C] Well if you're into snakes, why didn't you just say so? I can give you the real deal.

[O] (Silly, innocent) Uh, I'm not sure we should interrupt this Clarissa, these guys seem–

[C] Shut up, Ozzy.

[O] Sorry.

[Z] Who are you… wait… are there more than one of you?

[G] Oh my… that's a chimera! They're pretty rare, I've actually never met one… they're three-headed monsters. I'm trying to think back to that book I read about it… let me see. Um, I think, one head is usually some type of dragon or snake–

[C] (Confident) That would be moi. My name is Clarissa, pleasure to meet you all. I'm a cobra, but don't let the venomous fangs intimidate you. I don't bite. Much. (Laugh)

[V] Those are some sweet fangs. They'd be the envy of most vampires…

[G] Another head is, like, a lion…

[T] Tigress, actually. The name's Tabitha, but my friends call me Tabby… and call it animal instinct, but I have this feeling we're about to become very good friends, human.

[G] And the last head is… uh… I forgot what the other head is.

[O] I'm an emu.

[T] (Annoyed) You're an ostrich, Ozzy. (Softly) Idiot. (Normal voice) Ignore him. And ignore my serpentine sister as well, her forked tongue is always getting her into trouble.

[C] Don't even start, Tabby. (To listener) Don't mind my imbecile brother and my less imbecile but no less intrusive sister… I'd have left them at home before coming to the Ball, but, as you can see… we're joined at the hip, so to speak.

[V] More like the neck.

[C] It can be quite annoying always being part of a crowd, but one gets used to it. Three's company, right? And it beats being alone… I wouldn't want you to be alone at the Ball, human, that's no fun at all…

[W] Well don't worry about it. They're not alone. They're my date.

[T] Back off, wolf. I'm the queen of this jungle, and when I see prey I like I don't share. Doesn't your kind prefer bones anyway? (Laugh)

[W] (Angry) Bones? We don't chew on bones, we're not dogs. And most of the tigers I've met aren't in a jungle anyway, they're busy doing tricks at the circus.

[T] (Sarcastic) Do you spend a lot of time at the circus?

[F] (Laugh) Okay, that was actually kind of funny. You know, it's a shame you two are trying to get between me and my date, on a different night we'd probably get along.

[C] Relax everyone. See, this is why you can never hold a relationship, Tabby, you're much too aggressive. (To listener) My sister is desperate to earn her stripes… even though she already has so many. I prefer a gentler touch. And I'd be happy to show you just how gentle, human…

[T] No, the reason is because you always lunge in and steal my dates right out from under me. You're a real snake sometimes.

[C] It's not my fault if people prefer my company. And you can be very catty yourself, darling, but you don't hear me complaining about it.

[T] I do. All the time. Your mouth is permanently a couple inches from my ear, in case you forgot.

[C] Don't remind me.

[T] What she's not telling you, human, is that you won't be able to feel your lips for an hour after she kisses you. Cobra venom is pretty much the opposite of an aphrodisiac. (Laugh)

[C] At least my kisses won't take half someone's face off.

[T] That only happened once! And it's not my fault I sneezed in the middle of it, you know I have allergies.

[O] (Innocent) I'd like to kiss someone one day.

[T] Shut up, Ozzy.

[O] Sorry.

[P] You're not seriously considering going to the Ball with this… ensemble, are you, human?

[V] Only if they want their wedding to be a quadruple date.

[T] I'm not so scary, human, don't be intimidated. Sure, I'm a fearsome apex predator… but don't think that means I don't like belly rubs and scritches behind the ears as much as the next girl. I can be soft and affectionate, too. I'm sure you're more of a cat person than a dog person, anyway.

[W] Hey! I said I'm not a dog. Though… I bet they're a dog person, anyway. Not that… not that I'm a dog…

[C] You're both wrong. I can already see but that look on their face, this human is a snake person. (Laugh)

[L] Technically, I'm a sssnake perssson.

[C] And don't let that little jab about venom scare you off, either. My sister is just mad I'm the better cuddler. Ever been wrapped up tight in smooth cobra scales? It feels so much snugger than you'd think… and I give the best massages, too.

[T] Until your lips turn blue. (Laugh)

[C] I'm a cobra, not a boa constrictor. And my romantic partners usually turn red, not blue, which is more than I can say for you.

[T] I'd rather you didn't say anything for me. I can speak for myself.

[C] As if we could forget.

[T] Picture us lying together, you enveloped in my soft arms by the dying firelight, human. Doesn't it sound nice and cozy and warm? It is. More than you can imagine. That could be us tonight, if you want. Just take my paw, let me lead you.

[C] That paw might as well be a monkey's because whatever you're wishing for, it's not going to go the way you think. She's competitive and loud and jealous… trust me, you'd prefer someone less hot-blooded. Maybe even someone cold-blooded.

[T] Better to be too hot and passionate than too cold. You should choose me, if only to shut Clarissa up.

[C] Or you could choose me and shut Tabby up, that's also an enticing option. Call it a serpent's intuition, but I can tell all the yowling is getting to you.

[C] Just go with me. Say what you want about me, but at least I won't be tempted to eat you.

[T] How dare you? I would never eat someone so adorable! I'm closer to eating you than them if you don't stop being so smarmy.

[C] Maybe I'll eat you first, then.

[T] I'd like to see you try.

[C] Is that a challenge? Want to see how far this jaw unhinges? Ever heard of an ouroboros?

[O] Um… not to interrupt all the, uh… dietary talk, but… I was thinking… I'd kind of, maybe, like to go on a date with this human as well… and I just–

[T] Shut up, Ozzy!

[C] Shut up, Ozzy!

[O] Sorry.

[Z] Hey, I hate to get in the middle of this, uh, sibling rivalry, but… do you guys smell something burning?

[W] Oh my god, the floor's on fire! Did someone forget to put out–

[Small explosion]

[V] (Coughing) What… What just happened?

[I] Sorry for the theatrics, you know we can't resist making a big entrance.

[V] (Sarcastic) Oh great… the Wonder Twins. (Softer) Just when I thought this couldn't get any more crowded…

[Z] (Whisper) You know the succubus and incubus couple we saw playing around the stairwell earlier? Well… guess they got bored…

[I] A little birdie told us there was a human at the Monster's Ball tonight… a human looking for a date. Of course, we couldn't resist taking a peek. Is this the one? Mmm… you look scrumptious, if I might be so bold.

[W] (Coughing, annoyed) Why do you guys always have to pull some magic act when you show up? You can't just walk in normally like every other monster instead of making explosions and setting stuff on fire?

[S] Well we could, but that wouldn't be very sexy, now would it? (Laugh)

[P] Third-degree burns are sexy?

[F] Demons are such show-offs. We fairies have plenty of magic, too, but you don't see us waving it around to impress people all the time…

[D] You almost caught my ivy-and-thistle cloak on fire…

[S] Oh… I don't think I've seen you before, dryad. You're a nice tall drink of sap. That's one garden I might like to take a romp in…

[D] (Gulp) I'm flattered, ma'am, truly… but I'm a little afraid of flames.

[I] Terribly sorry to bother, my friends, my sincerest apologies. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, my name is Ivan. Demon prince, at your service. And this lovely long-tailed creature by my side is Sabrina, my other half. She's an incubus, I'm a succubus… or, rather, the other way around. (Laugh) Forgive me, I've had a bit too much to drink this evening… my tongue is especially slippery…

[S] Pleasure to make your acquaintance, human. Oh no, please, we don't shake hands. That's for boring old mortals. We demons of pleasure much prefer a more intimate greeting. How about a little kiss on that soft cheek? [Kiss]

[I] Yes we do, darling. I hope you won't mind me stealing a kiss as well. [Kiss]

[Z] Don't be too weirded out, these two are demons… they make everything they do kinda raunchy. You should see them on Valentine's Day…

[L] They do ssseem very friendly…

[I] Oh you don't know the half of it, my dear lamia – and may I say your scales are looking ravishing this evening. We're the friendliest pair of hellspawn this side of the afterlife. And don't take just my word for it… I hope you don't mind me wrapping my arm around your shoulder here, I'm a very physically affectionate creature.

[S] Don't mind my tail curling around your leg either, she's a mischievous little minx, I can hardly control her half the time when she gets going. (Laugh)

[G] You two are practically about to eat them.

[Z] And I thought I was hungry.

[I] So what do you say, human? Want to dance?

[W] Which of you is even offering to be their date, you or her?

[I] Either of us. Both of us, even. Pick your pleasure.

[S] We don't mind sharing. We don't mind sharing at all.

[I] No we don't, darling. (Laugh) Two dates for the price of one… how's that for a deal with the devil?

[V] Put your tails back in your pants, lovebirds. This human is mine, I found them and I'm tired of fighting off every monster in this manor who wants a piece.

[P] You don't really think "finders keepers" applies to people, do you?

[V] Do you have a better way to decide?

[W] I have an idea. Let's have an arm wrestling competition. Winner gets to be the human's date.

[F] Yeah, that sounds really fair against someone who can shift into a 300-pound animal at the drop of a hat.

[G] What about a… human trivia contest?

[P] How about we give it to the monster who's had to hear annoying bickering from his fellow monsters the longest?

[V] You'd have to give it to me, then, Phil.

[O] Oh, I know a way! What if we play "eenie-meanie-miney-moe."

[T] Catch a tiger by the toe.

[S] I have a little suggestion – what about a lingerie-clad pillow fight to decide who gets to take the hand of this dashing human?

[I] I adore that idea, darling. But what if, instead of wearing lingerie–

[Z] No! Enough already. I'm tired of you guys fighting. This isn't what the Monster's Ball is about. I get that everyone wants to be this human's date… (Softer) I kinda want to, too… (Normal voice) But we don't need to argue about this. Besides… what really matters is what they want.

[Z] (To listener) Not to, uh, put you on the spot too much, human… but looks like you have a choice to make. If you're going to spend the night here… which one of us, if any, do you want to go with?

[W] Can we all give like… a quick sales pitch? Just in case maybe they forgot our names? There are thirteen of us, after all… counting by heads, at least.

[Z] Sure.

[V] I'll go first. I'm Vicky the vampire. If you hang with me, I can promise you a fun night of dancing to all the old classics – and I mean the old classics. Plus, I promise not to bite you unless you ask me to. (Laugh)

[P] I'm Phillip the phantom. I was human once, and I think if you spend the night with me you'll find our souls are cut from the same cloth, so to speak.

[F] I'm Faye the fairy. Sure, I'm a little clingy, but I'm really a sweet and caring person when you get to know me and I'm a pretty good baker, too, if you've got a sweet tooth! I'd just love to walk arm-in-arm with you down the stairs to the garden as your date tonight.

[W] I'm Warren the werewolf. I'm a bit hardcore and I already said I'm not usually impressed by humans… but I'll give you a chance since you seem like you might have what it takes to party like a wolf.

[D] I'm Damon the dryad. I like flowers, trees, and long walks in the forest. I'm pretty easygoing. No hard feelings if you don't pick me, but if you do, well, let's just say I'll do what I can to make a romance bloom.

[G] I'm Gabby the goblin, and I'm kind of a nerd but I can be fun and let my hair down too, and I genuinely want to learn more about humans. If you were my date, I'd love to get to know more about you – and I promise not to pester you with too many questions about everything. (Laugh)

[L] I'm Lana the lamia… sssorry again about my lisssp. I'm a little shy and don't really have a lot of friendsss, but I've been trying to get out there more lately and I think it might be fun to ssspend more time with all of you. Especially you, human. I don't know much about romance and I've never been sssomeone'sss date to a ball before… but I'd love to try it…

[C] I'm Clarissa the cobra. Well, the cobra head of a chimera, anyway, not that my siblings ever let me forget it. If you want to have some casual fun, relax, and unwind after all the chaos tonight, you know who to go with.

[T] I'm Tabby the tigress, the best head of the aforementioned chimera. If you want something hot and fierce and fiery, that's me. I can come on a bit strong, but I can promise you'll like the ride. Ever heard the song "Jungle Love?"

[O] And I'm Ozzy the emu, and I'd–

[T] Shut up, Ozzy. And I told you, you're an ostrich.

[O] Oh yeah. Sorry.

[I] I'm Ivan the incubus, debonair devil extraordinaire.

[S] And I'm Sabrina the succubus, Ivan's demonic other half… not that we're at all shy about sharing.

[I] No we aren't, darling.

[S] I hardly think you need reminding what kind of ride you're in for if you decide to be our date to the Ball. But just in case you do… let's just say, we can make Hell feel like Heaven… and vice versa. (Laugh)

[Z] Alright then… and, last but hopefully not least (Laugh), I'm Zoe the zombie. I'm not really the coolest or the strongest or the boldest, but… you seem like a really sweet human. And if you'd be interested… I'd love to be your date to the Monster's Ball.

[Z] So, it's your choice. Who do you want to go with?