Context: Joey, your fiance, and Peter, your best friend, are so good to you. Even nicer, they get along so well that you feel like you have your own little family. Things have been stressful planning the wedding and starting a new job, though, so they decided to take you out to do some clothes shopping! Isn't that sweet of them?

Setting: The mall

Tags:[MM4A][Love Triangle][Yandere Fiance Speaker][Yandere Best Friend Speaker][Clueless Listener][Comedy][Threats][Comfort/Praise][Spoiling Listener][Himbo Energy][Mild Spice][Secret Rivalry][TW: Threats/Murderous Intent/Yandere Shenanigans]

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[J] = Joey, your fiance

[P] = Peter, your bestie

[Scene opens in the mall]

[SFX: General mall ambiance/chaos/the Listener hurrying on over]

[You’re a bit late arriving to meet Joey, your fiance, and Peter, your best friend. You spot them easily enough and they meet you midway]

[J] “There’s my sparkling fiance! C’mere, I need my hugs!”

[Pause <3]

[He wraps you up in a big hug, laughing]

[J] “ Everything OK? Nothing wrong with the car, right? I can totally take a look at it if it gives you any trouble.”

[Pause]

[J] “Nah, it’s no big deal if you’re a little late! We’ve got all day to spend on you, cutie pie. Oh! You’ll be proud of me! I managed to beat your bestie here, for once. Sucks to suck, right Peter? Hehe”

[Peter, your longtime friend, chuckles nonchalantly]

[P] “Eat my ass, Joey. C’mere, I get bestie hugs. Extra for your fiance being mean to me.”

[You hug him as well and he pats your back a few times]

[Pause]

[P] “Nah, you’re fine. Joey and I were just talking about the game and how he was totally wrong to pick the Eagles over the Cardinals. You wanted to go to that new clothing store, right? I forget the name but it’s, apparently, very counter-culture, which is very you, my anarchist friend.”

[Pause <3]

[J] “Mmhm, they start their new job on Monday. Good enough excuse to spoil my sweetheart, right? I made sure you could really enjoy today, OK? You’ve put in so much work to plan our wedding, it’s the least I can do. ”

[Pause!]

[P] “Yeah, it’s just over there past the food court. You’re lucky, too, since Joey has terrible taste in clothes. C’mon, let’s go and get you outfitted, eh?”

[J, with a friendly laugh] “C’mon, it’s not that bad! Pastel pink looks good on everyone!”

[P, also laughing] “You looked like a baboon with a tummy ache, dude. Let it go…”

[Pause <3]

[SFX: Them meandering over/the mall chaos changing to some sort of club music]

[You walk into the store and marvel at the clothing racks all around you, quickly darting about and gathering Round 1]

[SFX: Clothes being collected like Pokemon]

[J] “Haha, look at ‘em go! Nope, pick everything you want, sweetheart! Run free!”

[P] “That’s a winner… Ooh, and blue makes you look so magical… C’mon, we’re clothing judges. Get into the fitting rooms and show us how great you look!”

[Pause <3]

[Your men smile sweetly at you and you wave before heading into the fitting rooms]

[J, with a happy sigh] “God I hate you, Peter.”

[P, equally happy] “I hope your guts fall out of your asshole in front of a group of nuns.”

[J] “MY fiance needs a break, so could you back off for once? You’re their friend, I get it, but they’re marrying ME.”

[P] “See, you skipped over the part where you knew I was in love with them and asked them out anyway. Yeah, remember that? That time you broke the yan-yan bro code so hard that I put you in the hospital?”

[J] “Yeah, it’s almost like us having a very stabby showdown was bad for all involved… I said I was sorry, but, fuck, you’re yandere, too! You know it isn’t as simple as, ‘stay away’!”

[Pause]

[SFX: The fitting room door opening]

[J, with a whistle] “Damn, look at you! We’re buying it, no arguing. I need that in my life!”

[P, laughing] “Think they should weigh in first, dude. They’re not exactly smiling with that on… It’s OK, cutie, what do you think of it? Be honest, please.”

[Pause…]

[J, with a pout] “Aww… My bad. If you don’t like the texture, I’ll look for something similar. It’s just such a pretty color combo on you!”

[P] “He’s not wrong. Go on back to your current pile, we’ll have a quick look.”

[Pause <3]

[P] “Of course, bestie~”.

[SFX: The fitting room door closing again]

[Pause…]

[J] “...You’re getting it for showing me up like that, fuck boy.”

[P, sorting through clothes] “You showed yourself up, you sentient tumor. How’s this one?”

[SFX: Cloth rustling]

[J] “Ahhmmm…. Close, but I think the shade needs to be a little darker. See that jacket five to your right? Like that.”

[P] “Ah, you’re right. Thanks.”

[J] “No probs, man.”

[Pause]

[P] “So… Ever apologize for the big blow-up on Saturday?”

[J, put out] “They told you about that…?”

[P] “Yes? I’m their best friend and you did something shitty. They have a right to vent and were very respectful about their telling.”

[SFX: Clothes rustling]

[J] “That’s the right shirt, yeah… Look, planning a wedding is hard, especially when you want everything to be absolutely perfect for the love of your life, and you have a bonus cling-on who keeps trying to break you up!”

[P] “Hmhm… You make it too easy.”

[SFX: The fitting room door opening]

[Pause?]

[P] “Ooh, that looks super on you!”

[J] “It does, yeah… but it does have bits that will make noise when you move around and I know that can bother you. If you like it then definitely get it, I just want to make sure my honey’s comfortable while they’re casually being a super star~”.

[Pause <3]

[J, smiling] “Love you, too, sweetheart. I’m sorry for jumping the gun a bit earlier. Ice cream on me?”

[Pause <3 <3]

[J] “Haha, it’s no trouble! Here, Peter and I found you a replacement top, as promised.”

[Pause <3]

[SFX: Fitting room door shutting]

[P] “Bitch.”

[J] “Fucker.”

[P] “I hope your car blows up.”

[J] “I hope your mom falls on a broom, ass-first.”

[P] “I hope they dump you at the altar.”

[J] “I hope your Dad happens upon a magical fish that grants him three wishes and all three of the wishes are SYPHILIS-!”

[SFX: The fitting room door opening]

[Pause??]

[J, chipper] “Nothing’s wrong, babe, just trying to remember the name of the boulder guy from Greek mythology!”

[P] “He’s about as smart as the boulder, hehe…”

[Your men laugh together, paling around]

[Pause <3]

[P] “Aww, of course we get along so well! We might be meatheads, but we both love you with our big, dumb hearts.”

[J] “Yeah! Anything to make you happy, honey. Go on back to trying on clothes, it’s all good.”

[SFX: The fitting door closing again]

[Pause - Fill with the weird store music]

[J] “Hehe… Enh… I hate you so much.”

[P] “I hope you find a needle in every single soup dumpling you ever eat.”

[J] “I hope you find a live cicada in every burrito you munch!”

[Pause???]

[P & J, together] “Nothing, hon!”

[...]

[P, whispering] “Prick.”

[J] “C-word.”

[Fade out on them quietly arguing / the mall being the mall]

[Rec. improv for the arguing, if desired]

[To be continued?]

"Why is it spicy?" - The Listener, probably.