Disclaimer: I don't actually know anything about tax law so don't use this as a guide to do your finances. I'm not trying to make a political statement about the fact that churches don't pay taxes either.

I swear I'm a legit writer.

(Archive:https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/x9hb9v/script_archive/)

(Ko-Fi:https://ko-fi.com/timeraft)

Don't ask me how US tax law applies in a fantasy world it just does alright?

Dialogue

Context

SFX

Context that changes the Audio

Listener is an evil overlord in the process of taking over the world. They have chosen a new second in command. But this evil overlord has no use for the typical evil wizards or black knights! No sir only the most evil of all beings shall do for you! You have gone deep into the darkest lands of the earth (New Jersey) and made a dark pact with the darkest of all beings! A Lawyer!

Summoning sounds

Evil lawyer has been summoned by their overlord

What is thy bidding my master?

A yes yes my report. Very good, yes very good.

Let me set up my projector. I have prepared a powerpoint presentation.

Rummaging around.

Before I begin I want to say thanks for making me your second in command. Its rough out there trying to compete in this market with evil sorcerers and brooding dark knights. Very few evil overlords are willing to hire a lawyer to be their second in command and I hope to prove that you made the right choice.

Right right yes let me begin my master.

The first thing I did was have my minions audit our inflow and outflow and I have to say we’re doing pretty good, but we could be doing better.

Yes yes the basic structure is sound. Shaking down serfs, enslaving people to work in our dark mines, extorting smaller kingdoms, etc. Very good revenue streams, but we’re losing lots of money on two things:

First inefficient administration. I solved that with a couple beheadings but the second one is more insidious.

Yes My lord we lose much money to the brother of death. The inevitable specter. The chimera of Bellerophon.

Taxes.

But fear not! I have a solution! Yes yes an ingenious solution my master!

I found out that some of our peasants and goblins are so terrified of your vile dark power that they have begun worshiping you. I think we should lean into this.

This is IRS form 10-23. I’ve mostly filled it out for you. I just need you to sign it.

Oh trust me my lord this form may very well be the key to unlocking all of your desires of conquest! For you see my master when you raise your mighty pen of evil and unleash the ink of eternal darkness upon this paper and fill out form 10-23 You will be able to reorganize your empire as a 501 C3 organization!!!!!

Evil laughter.

It dies down when they realize the evil overlord doesn't know what their talking about

Ah yes my lord I apologize I would have explained but I did not want to presume that you did not know what a 501 C3 organization is.

Basically since you are worshiped as a god I think we should organize our evil empire as a religious organization. FOR TAX PURPOSES!!!!!

Muhahahahahaha!!!!!!

Oh yes my lord for you see as a 501 C3 our entire income stream will become TAX EXEMPT!! For we will be considered a religious congregation! Just imagine! Paying no property tax on our vast conquered land! No IRS agents questioning our income streams! Local broadcasters are obligated to broadcast our propaganda on Sunday mornings! We’ll be able to pass off our goblin armies training sessions as “Revival meetings”.

We will be untouchable! Evil Laugh

I’m planning to replace our Tribute from our Cowering Serfs with a “Voluntary Monthly donation” from our “Congregants”. They might even like it since it’ll be tax deductible now.

Also by becoming a religion I think we will be able to take those pesky paladins to court for violating our first amendment rights. Just give the word my lord and I shall lay them low before us by dragging them to federal court!

I also plan to challenge the constitutionality of this new federal necromancy ban. After all what they call “Perverting the sanctity of the dead” I call a “Traditional burial practice”. I’ve already opened a PO box in district 5 so we can sue there. Back in the 80s a lot of pro necromancy judges were appointed there, here in district 3 they’re very anti-necro.

As a bonus since you’re the deity of our new 501 C3 you’ll be firmly in charge of the organization. I recommend “Donating” most of your personal holdings to yourself. You’ll be able to get a huge tax write off this year for it.

So my lord? What say you?

Yes yes I would gladly join you in evil laughter!!!

Evil laughter

Listener signs the form

If you liked that you haven't seen anything yet, for this isn't even my FINAL FORM!!!

You'll uh need to sign this one too.

Also I took the liberty of looking over these contracts you made with all of these demons. And good news! I think if we get in front of the right judge we can blow some serious holes in some of these!

Papers shuffling

Let me put on my glasses here

For example this demon had also made a deal with every other member of your family line and first approached you for a contract when you were 17. That's a pretty textbook example of both Lack of Capacity on your part and Undue Influence on Its part. I think we can get this one thrown out entirely

This other one where the Demon refused to give you its true name is a pretty clear case of misrepresentation by nondisclosure which should at least partially invalidate the contract. After all you can’t make a contract if you can't prove you are who you say you are. If nothing else we will be able to force it to give you its true name.

Also it's not my place to say one way or the other, but are you quite sure you should be summoning so many Succubi? I think I can weasel you out of a lot of these, but it would probably be better if you refrained from hiring them in the first place.

Like this one. You traded -and I quote- “The bounty of thirty three harvests” for “Being the little spoon”.

Mind you I understand the desire to be spooned, but this is very steep. Surely you can find an alternative spooning stream?

If you’d like cuddles y’know well.

Subtle flirting

I’m no succubus, but I think I hold my own. I look quite good in black you know.

Hmmm? Well just think about it. I’m gonna go do the paperwork to get these contracts before a judge. Also I don't think we’ll be able to get your entire soul back but I do believe we can have it transferred to third party custody. We’ll need to designate a trustworthy third party.

Subtle flirty again

Maybe me?

No?

disappointed

Very well.

Now you asked me to find a weakness for your arch nemesis. Sofia the sorceress queen, Empress of Goodness n’light, Elector countess of goodlandia, and protector of the holy realm.

Quite a title, but it will do her no good! I have found a way to strike against her in a way only I could have conceived!

Yes, for you see I have adopted a second identity as a mild mannered labor lawyer for the forces of goodness n’light and convinced her serfs to file a motion for a labor election with the NRLB!!!

Yes yes! She will either have to allow the unionization and pay them more, threatening her bottom line! Or she will have to fight them and take loads of negative PR! It's a win/win for us my lord! Muhahahaha!

I’m sorry my lord, I am a believer that laughter is good for the soul. Especially evil laughter!

Now then I’m going to put all of this into motion and give you an update later tonight.

Perhaps a low key update? over some red wine and steak?

Excellent. I hope I am proving myself to be a valuable second in command, my master.

Ah, thank you. You flatter me, but I have only just begun! Soon! Soon my master I shall hand you the world on a silver platter! Now I must be off!

See you tonight master!

Evil laughter.

-30-

​

​