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Well, well, well, if it isn’t Casper the Unfriendly Ghost.

[Short Pause]

What? You don’t like your new nickname? I think it’s a good fit. You’re pale, you’re a dick, and if you keep this up, I will literally send you to the afterlife. We talked about this. Stop torturing freshmen. I know they’re annoying, but they’re, like, our future or whatever.

[Pause]

You can go now. Bye.

Sup, freshie. You okay? He didn’t, like, beat you up or anything, right?

[Pause]

What do you mean, you’re not a freshman?

[Short Pause]

You’re a senior? Then, why don’t I know you?

[Pause]

Oh, you’re new. Interesting. I didn’t know we were getting a new kid/new girl/new guy. Usually somebody gives me a heads-up when something that big is happening.

Sorry for the [Sarcastic] welcoming committee. I’d like to tell you that most people here are nicer than him, but they really aren’t. Come on. Walk with me. It’s probably better if you don’t go off on your own right now.

You’re like a little baby turtle. Everything wants to eat you, and honestly, it would probably be better for the ecosystem if something did. But screw the ecosystem. I’m not gonna let you die out here.

[Pause]

I have a weird view of high school? Look, I dunno what your old school was like, but this is basically a warzone.

[Friendly] Hey, girl. Love your top.

That’s Hailey. Don’t trust her. She is so fake.

[Pause]

Uh, no, that’s not the same thing because I meant that compliment. She sucks, but her fashion sense is on point.

Ugh. [Annoyed] Savannah. Nobody should meet Savannah on their first day. Stay behind me and don’t make eye contact.

[Pause]

Yeah, hi to you, too. [Sarcastic] Nice job dragging your skinny ass out of bed this morning, babe. We really needed your sunshine. This is the new kid/new girl/new guy. I basically own them/him/her, so don’t talk to them/him/her. Thanks.

Come on, boo, keep walking.

[Pause]

You know how Savannah seems kind of evil? Yeah, trust that. There are zero hidden depths there. That’s just, like, who she is. Gavin dated her last year, and he was so sure he was gonna find a heart of gold under there. Boy walked away with scars. And I don’t mean emotional scars. He went to the hospital. So yeah. Don’t talk to Savannah, and tell me if she gets anywhere near you. Got it? [Short Pause] Good.

Okay, here are some people you can actually trust. As much as you can trust anyone in this school, which really isn’t that much.

[Pause]

Yeah, you can trust me, but, like, also trust no one. You get me? [Short Pause] No? Whatever. Not important.

Hey guys! I may have, like, accidentally adopted the new student. They’re / He's / She's gonna be my pet or protegee or something. New kid / New girl / New guy, meet Julia, Booker, and Lucas.

[Pause]

No, I’m not replacing you, Julia. Don’t be paranoid. They’re / He's / She's here to fill out our numbers and they’ll / he'll / she'll only step in for you if you’re sick or busy or dead. It’s called an understudy; ever heard of it?

[Pause]

Yeah, I know you were in the play last year. That’s why I’m trying to, like, speak your language. Besides, if I was gonna kick someone out, it would definitely be Lucas. So chill.

[Pause]

You were supposed to hear it, Luc. That’s why I said it. I would never say something like that behind your back because I respect you way too much. I’m just saying that a lot of people are in Art Club and a lot of people run Track, and most of them talk less.

[Pause]

[Judgemental] Julia, do you really have to wear your cheerleader outfit right now?

[Pause]

Yeah, I know you have practice. You always have practice. It’s a little weird that you never take it off, though. Just saying.

[Pause]

I’m sorry. What was that, new kid/new girl/new guy? You think I’m a cheerleader. Why?

[Pause]

[Aside] No, shut up, Lucas. [Talking to Listener] Go on. Keep digging.

[Pause]

[Flat] Funny. No, not a cheerleader. I have a 3.9 GPA, and that’s only because Mr. Donovan’s a sexist, and Mrs. Donovan hates me. I’m not wasting my time bouncing in place and chanting some stupid rhyme that somebody else wrote.

[Pause]

Yeah, Julia, cheerleading is a competitive sport, but not the way you guys do it. They came in eleventh place at Regionals. There were eleven teams competing. You do the math.

I’m on Debate Team. We actually win. I’m also on Student Council, which gets literally nothing done, but at least we have the illusion of power. That’s something, I guess.

[Pause]

Am I the President? What, so I can promise to bring the vending machines back and then [Passive Aggressive] not follow through?

[Pause]

Yeah, I am still mad about that, Booker. A lot of people are. Anyway, I don’t wanna lie to everyone, I don’t wanna be the administration’s scapegoat, and [Sulky] I probably wouldn’t win because apparently I’m “not likeable,” whatever the hell that means. I’m happier as Treasurer, anyway. I control the money.

[Pause]

Yeah, we are in a lot of different clubs. I have people in all the activities. Divide & conquer. This isn’t the 80s. You don’t become Head Cheerleader and suddenly end up as Queen of the School – right Julia? Uh-uh. No. If you want control, then you need allies, informants, and zero fear.

What are you good at?

[Pause]

I can work with that. I mean, worst case scenario, you give off this whole lost lamb vibe, like you have no idea what’s happening and you’re just this poor, little innocent baby. We can shove you in front of the teacher if we get in trouble, and you can give them sad eyes or something.

[Short Pause]

Lucas, nobody needs your opinion, [Passive Aggressive] thanks.

[Pause]

Relax, dude, I’m just being honest.

[Pause]

No, I wouldn’t mind if someone talked to me like that. I’d prefer it. Go on. Tell me what you really think of me.

[Pause]

[Amused] Brutal. But that isn’t everything, is it? [Teasing] You left out your little crush on me.

[Pause]

Of course you like me. Who wouldn’t?

What’s your first period? Physics? Yo, Lucas, you’re in that class, right? I need you to walk them / him / her there for me. Just to be clear, if they get / he gets / she gets hurt, physically or emotionally, I will make your life a living hell. [Short Pause] Thanks. I appreciate you.

See you later, new kid/new girl/new guy.