*** = listener speaking

Can be monetised, just please link back to either this post or my YouTube!

Gender(s) can be changed if wanted!

~~~

[demon summoning noises]

AH~ dear devil, going through those portals always makes me sick~

Honestly, why in hell do we not just make doors to hell the normal way to get to the middle world…? Such a drag~

[speaker giggles]

Sorry, human~ just talking to myself~

Well~? What was your reason for summoning a beautiful succubus like myself~?

Not that I actually need you to tell me… it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?

Why don’t I start by taking those pretty little pieces of clothing off you, and…

***

No?

Are you the kind who likes to keep their clothes on when getting down and dirty? A bit formal, but I’m not one to complain~

Then, let’s…

***

…No again?

Alright, I think we’ve reached some kind of misunderstanding.

Dear little human, you heard me say I was a succubus when you summoned me, right? And you’re aware what kind of demon a succubus is, right?

***

Okay, you do, so… what gives? Did you mess up and mean to summon some other kind of demon?

That’s a little embarrassing~

***

You meant to summon me? …But you don’t want to do anything?

Ugh, are you one of those types who summon a demon just for the fun of it?

Devil below, talk about rude! I have a life too, y’know~ if you don’t have any reason for summoning me, I’m going to leave and find someone who will have some fun with me!

***

Oh, you do have a reason?

Spit it out then, human! I hate waiting more than I hate oaths of celibacy!

***

You summoned me… because you want me to pretend to be your girlfriend?

…HA!

[speaker laughs as they speak]

Are you kidding me!? Have humans become so bad at getting it on that they can’t even flirt!? Or are you just an ultra-special sad case?

Also, summoning me to just PRETEND to be your girlfriend!?

You do know that you can get into a contract with a demon for ANYTHING, right? You can literally summon a wrath demon to cancel a person’s subscription from life, a greed demon to give you how many riches your grubby human heart desires, yet you’re settling for a PRETEND DEMON GIRLFRIEND?

Seriously, you could’ve used the time it took to get all the demon-summoning stuff and learn the ritual to talk to an actual human woman, you know?

…Are you not gonna defend yourself? It’s not fun if I’m the only one slinging insults.

You’re gonna make me feel bad for you… more than I already do…

…Really? Nothing?

Yeesh.

***

I mean, yeah I’ll do it. I said I’d only leave if you didn’t have a reason for summoning me, and you do have a reason, as weird as it is.

…Okay, sorry, but do you seriously have zero faith in yourself to get a girlfriend?

Humans summoning demons because they’re lonely and they want company is kind of my whole reason for existing, but like…

This is… weird.

***

Cause I feel like I’m doing a half-job! What do you even need a pretend girlfriend for?

***

A family get-together? That seems like something you can turn up single too, human.

***

Your relatives keep pestering you about settling down?

So you’re just a wimp when it comes to peer pressure…?

***

Wow, did not expect you to agree to that… yikes.

Okay, change of plans! I’m changing up our agreement!

Human, before we even talk about what’s happening at that family function, you’re going through a confidence character arc because just talking to you is making me depressed!

***

Yes, confidence character arc, keep up. You not standing up for yourself and just agreeing whenever someone says something bad about you is, and I’m being honest and not insulting here, extremely pathetic.

I get you humans value humility so I guess to a degree it’s FINE, but if you’re not even able to insult a demon, that is a PROBLEM.

Like, go ahead, try insulting me now.

***

…Asking someone not to insult you DOES NOT QUALIFY AS AN INSULT.

Devil below, this is going to be a hard one…

***

Yeah, I’m hot, but I can still be insulted!

Your personality sucks! You think it’s good to steal the souls of humans! You talk too much!

There, three insults right off the top of my head that aren’t even that rude or creative!

If you can’t even muster up the courage to say those, that’s worrying!

Cause it’s not like you care about living a moral life if you’re happy to summon a demon…

***

That pretend girlfriend thing?

Yeah, no, I’m not doing it. If you want a girlfriend, I’m going to be your actual girlfriend.

***

Cause I don’t do things half-assed! Have you been listening? Is that something else we need to work on?

You know listening to people is one of the basic skills of being someone’s partner! Even us demons know that!

***

Your ears are cleaned out? So what gives? You don’t want to date a demon?

You just said I was hot!

***

Not ‘worthy’ of me? Hell, what is this, the fourteenth century?

Human, you’re like a 7 on a bad day, don’t start with this bull.

All you’re doing is accidentally insulting my judgment, which is even worse than if you were legitimately insulting me. At least there’d be progress of some kind if that were true, ugh…

***

Human, is that brain in your skull just for decoration?

If I didn’t want to date you, why would I say you had to to make a contract with me?

***

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel bad for you… not that much, anyway.

Like I’ve said twice already, I can’t stand doing a job half-assed!

Maybe it comes with the joys of being a succubus, but I’m passionate about what I do, and I want to feel that passion as I work!

Just pretending would be too easy and simple. I need to leave an IMPACT to feel like I really earned your soul~

But if you’re not satisfied with this version of the contract, we can simply part ways and you can summon a succubus who is happier to follow your request~

***

You’re okay with it?

That’s what I like to hear!

Now, this is just a formality, but it has to be done…

[whooshing noises/demon voice]

Do we have a deal~?

***

[no demon voice, giggles]

Then, let’s seal it with a kiss~