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I, SplashiestPig, the author of this script, personally endorse the pursuit of any typical action taken with this text. You can edit it. You can put it behind a paywall. You can monetize an audio made from it. You can even sneakily record this script's voice for an oddly genuine, subscription-based vocaloid! Dive In! Credit SplashiestPig, and if it could be managed, I'd love to get a link to your work.

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Key:

[ ] = Artificial Sound Effect

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

Accidentally Spectated Mellowing Response

{calling out}

Honey? Can you come in here? I need to talk to you!

*listener inquires*

No, this isn’t about my missing slippers! I just want to talk!

*listener retorts*

Please? I promise this isn’t a trap to steal back any of my clothing items, no matter how warm they may be, and how obvious it is that you stole them! This is an entirely unrelated topic that just so happens to require your immediate presence!

[door opens]

See? I’m sitting down, at my desk, and there are no traps waiting for you atop the doorframe… this time. I just want to talk.

*small pause*

Please, sit. I moved a chair over, just for you.

*listener questions*

I am not acting strange! I just want to talk face-to-face with my favorite person in the whole wide world! Is that so wrong?

*listener confirms*

Well, I suppose you’ll just have to get over it and put that cute little butt in this chair, won’t you? Ignore all those little alarm bells in your head, and just, sit down with me.

*listener sits*

That’s better. Now… how was your day, sweetheart?

*listener answers*

Care to elaborate on that?

*listener questions*

Come on honey, I’m sure you can think up a description of your day a little more vivid than good. Why don’t you tell me in… exactly three sentences? How was your day?

*listener speaks*

Very good. If you were to rank today on a scale from one to ten, what would you give it?

*listener answers*

Uh-huh, sounds great. Say, while we’re on the topic of numbers, I don’t suppose I could ask you to count from zero to a hundred for me, could I?

*listener questions*

Do I need a reason beyond wanting to hear your lovely voice?

*listener concedes*

That’s what I thought. So why don’t you use that silver tongue of yours to count up from zero nice and clearly? I’ll stop you when I’ve had my fill.

*pause*

Thank you for that darling. Now, for why I wanted you to sit down. We need to talk.

*listener questions*

I love you very much, honey. Would you say you feel the same?

*listener answers*

So, if I asked you to tell me you love me, you’d do it?

*listener confirms*

Wonderful! So please, tell me you love me. Specifically, with as much raw passion as you can shove in without sounding cheesy.

*listener speaks*

Perfect. Now, could you do that again, with the same energy, but add a cute little pet name into the mix?

*listener questions*

Don’t ask questions, just do this. For me.

*listener states*

Thank you, sweetheart. That was all I needed. You’re free to go.

*listener requests*

I hear what you’re saying, and I understand you want answers, but I think it’s in both of our best interests if I don’t tell you anything.

*listener speaks*

Wait, what? No, darling, I don’t want to break up. I love you.

*listener questions*

Cheating on you? Honey, I promise I would never do that. I only have eyes for you.

*listener continues*

Okay, I see that my behavior has gotten you a little bit on edge, so I solemnly swear that nothing bad is happening in or around our relationship. Nothing is wrong. This entire exchange meant nothing, and you should never think about it again. I just need a few minutes alone in here, and then I’ll be right out to help with dinner, and we can both continue on as if this never happened.

*listener asks*

I promise this wasn’t a test, or a hazing, or a repeat of the whole, “Would you still love me if I was a hairless cat” fiasco. This was nothing. Don’t think about it, don’t bring it up ever again, just go put on the fuzzy slippers that definitely aren’t mine, and go wait in the kitchen. I’ll be there soon.

*listener disagrees*

Darling, I see that you’re not moving! Did your legs fall asleep?

*listener denies*

Are you planning your route to the kitchen?

*listener negates*

Did you break both your legs before you opened the door, and you’re now in too much pain to stand up?

*listener denies*

So then, why are you still here?

*listener speaks*

I’m telling you honey, you don’t want answers.

*listener insists*

Sweetheart, remember that time we sat down together and watched Jaws?

*listener confirms*

And do you remember how you warned me that I wouldn’t be able to handle it?

*listener recalls*

And I spent hours promising you that my galeophobia wouldn’t act up on a forty-year-old movie, didn’t I?

*listener confirms*

But remind me, which one of us was terrified to step off the bed for the next four months because they just knew, that a Great White Shark would be under the bedframe, waiting to pounce?

*listener states*Right. Me. Now, don’t you wish that I had just listened to you? Since we both know each other so well, and you were absolutely right the whole time?

*listener confirms*

This is exactly like that night. This is your Jaws. Don’t ask why anything here happened, just move on.

*listener comments*

Be the better person, darling. Just because I was too stubborn to listen to your advice, doesn’t mean you can’t listen to mine! Let it go.

*listener demands*

Last chance. If you don’t stop asking me why I did this, I’m going to tell you. And then you’ll be sad, and I’ll be sad I made you sad, and we’ll both be having a terrible time.

*listener insists*

You’re going to regret this.

*listener repeats*

No, don’t break out the weapon’s grade puppy dog eyes. I’ll tell you. But you might want to get a grip on that seat though, this may just make your heart stop.

*listener insists*

(sigh)

Ready?

*listener confirms*

The internet heard your voice.

*listener speaks*

Yep, last week I was doing one of my Lazy Saturday Live Streams, and you delivered me my lunch. Thanks for that by the way, I’d probably starve to death if you didn’t shove food down my throat.

*listener speaks*

Right! Back on topic. Anyway, while you handed me my plate you made a critical mistake. You said, “I Love You”, just loud enough for my mic to catch it. And just like that the few thousand people who tune in to my lives heard you.

*listener panics*

No, that’s just it honey. You didn’t ruin the livestream. You did the exact opposite. Everyone loved you.

*listener denies*

Really! Believe it or not but when I tell you how hot you are, and how much you turn heads, and how secretly everyone at your Christmas parties really wishes we weren’t together so they could take a shot at you, I’m not lying. You are rare, unadulterated, desirability. And we released your voice to the public.

*listener speaks*

That’s not where it stops, sweetheart. If that was that, I would have just kept quiet on this. I know how you get when you get even a modicum of the immense respect you deserve. You immediately fall into denial, sometimes extreme flustered-ness, and more times than not, that entirely unearned self-loathing. No, the reason I brought you in today, is because that little sound bite of you didn’t stay in my livestream.

*listener questions*

Well, someone decided that your voice was too perfect to let fade into obscurity, and they clipped it. A four-second clip of a plate clicking on a table, your silky-smooth voice saying, “I love you”, and then me misclicking and deleting a few hours of grinding which, I am still quite angry about. They clipped it, and they posted it, and you kinda went viral.

*listener speaks*

Well, it’s not like everyone in the world heard you. But you absolutely crushed the ASMR sphere and bled into Gaming and Influencer stuff. The last time I checked the original clip had broken into seven-digit view counts and it wasn’t showing any signs of stopping. Add in reposts and general discourse and I’d say you’re flash-famous at the very least.

*listener asks*

What can I say, honey? You are the universe’s gift to humanity. Perfection incarnate. Maybe knowing that legions of people simp for you online will finally give you the confidence to tell a waiter your order is wrong.

*listener speaks*

If it makes you feel any better, you don’t have to panic too much. As you may remember from my endless online nonsense, I stream as a VTuber so no one saw you. No one knows your name, or where you live, or anything like that. They’re just incredibly thirsty for your voice. Although, in my opinion, that’s almost worse.

*listener questions*

Oh, that! I almost forgot! I called you in here to get more material.

*listener speaks*

Yes, it was manipulative of me, and I’m sorry, and we don’t have to post anything I got, but before you make a decision, you need to look at a few things.

*listener questions*

Well, as you may be aware, my terrible gaming streams aren’t what pays for all this fancy audio stuff. I’m an ASMRtist at heart, and like any good vocal performer in this modern age, I accept various forms of donations and paid subscriptions.

*listener confirms*

Well, I was a little eager to spin all this free publicity, so I baited that maybe there could be a little more of your presence in future content for the right price.

*listener speaks*

As you may be realizing, one thing led to another, and… well it’s easier if I just show you the math.

*small pause*

If about ten percent of the people who are vocal about needing to have more of you are actually telling the truth, then at a very reasonable markup, I project we could make about… this much… off of one appearance from you.

*listener speaks*

Yeah, it’s… definitely not a small number! And remember that’s if ten percent of people who say they’re willing to pay for more you, are actually telling the truth. Realistically, with how much you’re making waves, we’d probably be able to pull in more.

*listener questions*Really! Maybe it’s because you just have that je ne sais quoi, or maybe it’s because at that moment you weren’t pretending to be in love, you were just actually confessing your feelings but, whatever it is, has gotten plenty of people to fall deeply and madly into your thrall. Maybe not quite as deeply as me of course, but you know, close.

*small pause*

So, with all that being said, I want to state that, I won’t force you into anything. And I know how much your privacy means to you. I promise we can do this however you want. Any amount of safety, censorship, or just straight up not doing this because it makes you uncomfortable. If you want to be the center of attention, then I’d love to support you, and if you want this to all be one crazy dream, then that’s what it is. I just want you to realize all your options, and especially consider how nice it could be to finally go on that vacation we’ve been talking about.

*listener speaks*

That was a low blow, I know, and I’m sorry. I’m just a little excited because, money, but I do mean it when I say, if you want to pull the plug, then I’ll scrub my recording, and we’ll move on.

*listener states*

You’re willing to let me post more of your voice? Are you sure?

*listener agrees*Thank you so much, honey! You won’t regret this, I promise!

*listener speaks*

You have my word. Nothing will slip, no one you know will know it’s you, I’ll keep everything in check!

*listener confirms*

Thank you for trusting me. Now, why don’t you go get my totally not stolen slippers, and preheat the oven? I’ll be right out!

*listener speaks*

You know what? Yes. As far as I’m concerned, those are your slippers now. Consider it a reward for stepping out of your comfort zone.

*listener states*

Sounds great, honey. Now, may I please focus on Frankenstein-ing these audio clips into a few moments of tender affection?

*listener agrees*

Thanks.

*pause*

Oh, wait! One more thing before you go?

*listener asks*

Well, I’ve been recording all of this, and thanks to my excellent chair positioning, the audio should all be buttery smooth so, no worries about just splicing up what you’ve said and moving on but there is something more we could do… if you wanted to really rake in the dough.

*listener questions*

Okay, I need you to keep an open mind before I tell you what it is.

*listener agrees*

You promise?

*listener confirms*

Pinky swear?

*listener insists*

Alright. Have you ever heard of something called, Ear-Licking?