Context: The IRS comes in to do an audit on a haunted house and shenanigan's ensue.

Tags: [F4A] [Wholesome] [Tax collector listener] [Halloween]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script.

Monetization: All forms of monetization are OK with me! YouTube, Patreon, etc. I would appreciate being able to listen to the recording, if possible. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you!

[Scene opens up with you walking up to the doorstep of the haunted house]

***

[SFX: Door knocking followed by door opening]

"*Giggles* Ah, a new playmate. This should be fun."

[The ghost appears in front of you]

"Hello mortal."

[You clear your throat and say hello]

"Hm. You seem pretty normal, are you not afraid mortal?"

[You say your with the IRS]

"IRS? Don't tell me, a tax collector?"

[SFX: Laughing]

"The government is really taxing a Ghost? I cannot believe it."

[You say it's true]

"Wait, your serious? The government is taxing a Ghost?"

[You ask if it's ok to ask some questions]

"No, this can't be real. Is the government really that desperate that they are taxing a Ghost?!"

[You sit down]

[SFX: Shuffling papers]

"Hey! I'm talking to you?"

[You ask for her name]

"No, I should be asking the questions here. Like for example, WHY IS THE GOVERMENT TAXING A GHOST?!"

[You ask again for her name]

"*Moans* Fine, it's Hannah."

[You ask for her occupation]

"Occupation? I'm DEAD!"

[Pause]

"*Sigh* If you must know, when I was alive I was a secretary."

[SFX: Scribbling]

"For the record, I did pay my taxes when I was alive. You can check the records."

[You ask if she is the owner of this house]

"Owner of this house? Well, I wouldn't say owner. In theory anyone can buy it."

[SFX: Scribbling]

" look in theory anyone can come in here and buy this house. Just because I possess this house does not mean I own it."

[Pause]

" now you seem like a nice IRS agent, however I cannot humor you for too long."

[ you asked if she has somewhere to be]

" well as a matter of fact I do. For you see today is Halloween, and I; a ghost, am planning to enjoy the little freedom that I get from this day."

[ you apologize]

" that's OK it's just... I get so frustrated, having my only free day being squandered by the IRS."

[ you say you're only doing your job]

" I understand that, you however have to understand that as a ghost I have my duties as well. Before you even ask, these duties are what keep me alive. In a manner of speaking."

[ you ask if there is anything that she can do to help you]

" at this point, it is probably best if you just leave. There's no point in us doing this over and over again."

[ you say you can't do that]

" I mean seriously, how desperate is our government to tax a ghost? If you ask me this all seems rather to put it nicely dumb."

[ you apologize again simply stating you are doing your job]

" again with that job. Look I'll just make it very simple for you, I... AM... A ghost! I do not eat, I do not sleep, I do not use any electricity in this building, and I use no sources of the government. None."

[ pause]

" I mean if I can't get any clearer than that we're just gonna be going around in circles! And I know you have all the time in the world to just simply mess with a ghost, but I don't."

[ you ask if you can come at another time]

" another time? Do you really think that will actually solve all these problems? Just think about this for a second, the government is willing to tax someone who has been dead for who knows how long. If you really wanna make it easy for me let me spell it out for you;"

[ she gets closer to you]

" the government whether it be yours or anyone else's, should not text someone who has already paid their fair share. Especially those that are no longer alive!"

[ you ask if she ever considered selling the house]

" by all means try to find someone. Not many people want to buy a haunted house. Well with the exception of a few... Artsy people. Outside of that however, no one wants this house."

[ she slouches over]

"You know what? Fine. What does the government think I can do to make an income?"

[Your surprise by her giving up so easily]

"Look, I know how the IRS works. If not you, then someone else could come waltzing in and say; I'm repossessing this house, and "Attempt" To kick me out. So what do you have in mind of me making an income?"

[You suggest a bed and breakfast]

"A bed and breakfast are you for real?"

[You mention the Lizzy Borden house]

"Oh yeah, I guess the Lizzy Borden house is a bed and breakfast now. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt. Any chance I can get a loan from the government?"

[You shake your head]

"Figures. Couldn't hurt but ask though. Well, I better get to work. If you'll excuse me, I got a lot of work to do."

[You walk out as it fades to black]

Note: As far as reason as why they left, you can just say "They'll give them an extension for the next quarter". Kind of a chance to dig themselves out of the hole they fell in...so to speak. Anyways, hope you enjoyed the reading and have a lovely day/night.