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( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

{ } = Line Delivery

Maintenance

(sigh)

This is the last time I’m trying this Zero-One.

Gods above, you’re lucky you were my first. Fine! Here we go.

Zero-One, wake up.

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton has cycled to Card One, Start-Up.

(huff)

Yep, go through your whole selection process. I’d complain it’s slow but that’s more a fault of your designer, no?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is ready to intake action.

Finally! Zero-One, tidy the mansion while acting as though I am not here.

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton has cycled to Card Four, Maintenance.

Right you are, Zero. Now don’t mind me. I’m just going to make some direct observations.

Well, at the very least, you’re moving properly. Quietly too. Although, I suppose that’s more caused by your weight than anything else. Shame things got so bulky after Generation Three.

Doesn’t look like you’re getting caught on anything… and you’re definitely making your way somewhere… so where does this start going wrong?

Okay, we’ve made it to the dining hall. Is this our final destination?

Looks like it. Alright Zero-One, prove it was all a fluke. Wow me.

[machinery whirrs]

Uh-oh…

And there you go. Polishing the floors before mopping. But, in your defense, the floors are already clean! Maybe you’re just cutting out unnecessary steps?

Your wayfinding is proving quite impeccable. Which is rather odd considering the floorplan has changed rather radically since you were programmed. I suppose some conditional statement must have allowed you to recalibrate your internal map.

I may want to look into that, actually. The Watch-Dogs have such a hard time with object permanence. Maybe you could teach them a new trick?

[machinery whirrs]

Ooh, maybe I spoke too soon. You missed a few spots, Zero-One.

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is taking action.

Yep, you sure are, buddy. Press on! We both know I’m not doing this investigation because of a few half-finished tasks.

Where are we off to next?

(groan)

East wing? Already?

Sure, why not head straight to the problem? More efficient that way, at the very least. And you always were good at your minimum expenditures…

Here we are! Master bedroom! What mischief are you going to get up to this time?

Wow! Straight to my painting nook. Who could have guessed?

Alright, one open bucket of blue paint… one closed bucket of white… and… that’s it?

And there you go. Not a care in the world. Are you headed straight back to the dining hall, or are we going to make a pit stop?

Wait, we are making a pit stop?

Okay… this is… unexpected. I hadn’t hypothesized you’d hide in my bathroom mid-crime but… I suppose this makes no less sense than mixing paint with polish…

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is beginning a subroutine to best handle the directive.

Wait, what? What subroutine are you starting in my bathroom? One that involves painting no less?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton has cycled to Card Nine, Defense.

Excuse me? That’s not even a subroutine! You’re just changing directives entirely! How are you even doing that?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is taking action.

And there you go again…

Is this where the bug starts? Maybe having unexpected items while you’re in the bathroom allows you to cycle cards? Maybe it even triggers the defensive response thus getting you to Card Nine? But what’s causing you to seek this out?

You stopped. Why would you stop? Don’t you want to head back to the dining room and finish polishing with your new paint?

Do you think there’s a roadblock here? No… you’re not rerouting you’re just… waiting…

Wait… you’re repositioning. Is it… because a Gen Three is coming, or is that just a coincidence?

[ding]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is awaiting input.

No input for now, Three-Eight just…

Wait… did you mean to do that?

I don’t… why would you…

Three-Eight, continue as usual.

[ding]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is taking action.

Okay, Zero-One. That was really odd, and I can tell that Three-Eight stopping to talk to me really confused you. Probably because you’re currently pretending I’m not here. But you definitely meant to set that open can on Eight’s leg. Which just leads us back to the real question… why? And why did you start moving again, as soon as Three-Eight resumed its pace?

Did you think that was where the can was meant to be? No, you aren’t tidying up anymore, you’re defending…

[distant metal clacking]

Could it be you-!

[clacking creshendos]

Woah! Where are they off to?

[clacking quiets]

Did you have something to do with that, Zero-One?

Maybe this buggy stuff runs a little deeper than I thought it did. Otherwise, why would a herd of Mini’s be skating down my halls?

Wait a second…

You’re navigating to the new loft. All those Mini’s were cleaning here. And then they rushed off behind us too…

Gods above! You are causing this! The paint sloshes when Three-Eight walks, Three-Eight sees the spill behind itself, but the can is in its blind spot! It summons the Mini’s to fix the problem, totally unaware it is actively causing the spill!

This is really starting to become incriminating, Zero. Clearly, you aren’t operating on faulty logic. You’re entirely malfunctioning. Seemingly masterminding this whole plan to actively cause this result! But why? How is this defense? Or maintenance for that matter?

[machinery whirrs]

Right. Like I was about to get any answers. Silly. For the sake of science, I’ll watch this to the end, but frankly, I think you’re just going to have to be retired, Zero-One.

I am pretty curious about what you’re going to do with the white paint. You’ve only been caught wiping the floors with blue-infused polish. I don’t know how you’d even go about opening another can.

Come to think about it, I have no idea how you’re going to get the blue paint back from Three-Eight.

Maybe an intercept in the kitchen? Or perhaps the…

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is taking action.

What are you up to now, Zero?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is ready to intake action.

Just cycling through all my notification cards?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is in need of repair.

Is this part of the master plan, too?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton has cycled to Card Nine, Defense.

You were already on that one, buddy. All this is doing is making me realize that recording all the notifications in my voice may have been a little narcissistic.

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton needs to be charged.

Maybe I can get someone from the village to-

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound-

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this-

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

Whe-

Great, you got yourself in a tizzy. Here, let me just-!

Wait, you’re… doing that on purpose?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

-this-

-automaton-

-this-

I didn’t think you could play individual parts of my notification cards. Oh well, that’s one of the smaller discoveries today.

And where are you going now? What was the point of all that shuffling?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

-automaton-

-four-

-four-

Are you… trying to talk to Four-Four?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

-automaton-

-Zero-

-One-

-know-

-what-

-planning-

Zero-One, what are you talking about? How is any of this even happening? Why would-?

[heavy footsteps start]

Wait… Four-Four, why did that take you out of sleep mode… are you going to..?

Oh no. It hasn’t been an accident, has it?

All automatons, emergency stop movement!

[heavy footsteps stop]

I thought it was a bug. I thought the Gen Fours were just a little clumsy. But no…

Zero-One… you’ve been murdering them! That’s why you got the second can! You trip a Four on it while they’re constructing, and they fall off the building!

But it… it’s even worse than that. You’re doing this on purpose! That’s why you distracted the Mini’s! And it’s probably why you’ve been wrongly polishing the floor! As an alibi!

Why? Why would you do this? You were supposed to be better than all of this! The first! The eldest! Why, Zero?

(frustrated growl)

Automaton Zero-One, cease the previous command. You have some massive explaining to do, and you no longer get the luxury of pretending I’m not here.

Ah ah ah! You’re not going anywhere! You have ten seconds to pantomime why I shouldn’t let Four-Four disconnect your Tesla coil.

[machinery whirrs]

Don’t start with the puppy dog eyes! You’re malevolent!

Just peachy. You’re smearing sealant on the walls. You know what? I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, Zero-One. I wanted you to be good. But now I see, I was expecting too much from you.

Four-Four, take Zero-One to my office. I need to make… a few…

{reading}

Fours Evil, Run Away

Zero? When did you learn to write? And why would-?

[metal slams]

Oh…

Fuck.

[metal slams]

(scream)

Wait, I’m alive! Zero, you… you’re carrying me!

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton has cycled to Card Nine, Defense.

Oh, you beautiful, beautiful automaton! I’m so sorry I-!

-On your right!

[metal slams]

What the fuck? That was Four-Nine! What’s happening?!

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays-

-the automaton-

-Four-

-needs to be-

-in-

-charge-

No way. I like to think I’m pretty good, but there’s no way my creations have actually managed to gain sentience! You’ve got to be-!

[metal slam]

Okay, I believe you! Just keep moving!

Tell me you have a plan, Zero.

I do not like the look on your faceplate.

[machinery whirrs]

My cigarette lighter? I almost forgot I installed that on you!

Wait, tell me you’re not going to do what I think you are!

Zero! You can’t-!

[metal slams]

Do it!

[fire ignites]

Quick! Out the window! They won’t be able to follow!

[glass shatters]

[thud]

(groan)

If an hour ago, you told me my first automaton would light my dining room on fire in a bid to save me from a robot uprising, I wouldn’t have believed you.

Yeah, I’m okay. You?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton is-

-not-

-in need of repair.

Wow, I am already completely sick of hearing my own voice recorded.

No, don’t worry Zero. That’s a later issue. We’ll figure something out, maybe I’ll finally invent a full voicebox. But for now, we have more pressing issues.

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

-plan-

Oh, don’t you worry about that, Zero. You don’t get to be me without having at least a few conspiratorial thoughts, and robot uprisings were always pretty high on my mental list. Actually, I kinda thought it’d be you leading it. Glad to see you’re on my side.

Is it just the Gen Fours we have to worry about?

Well, I just so happen to have a stash of electromagnet emitters stored down in the village. What’s say you and I grab the lot and take back our mansion?

[chime]

{pre-recorded}

When this sound plays, the automaton has cycled to Card Nineteen, Annihilate.

I… don’t remember programming that card… but I suppose it’s best to sweep that under the rug, isn’t it?

Perfect. Now, let’s begin.