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Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

~ ~ = Emphasis

{ } = Special Line Delivery

Not The Sharpest Sword

[light harp music]

{distant}

Your Majesty! Your Majesty!

{much closer}

Cedwin said I should talk to you! But I said-!

Ah! There you are! Hi!

Yep! I fixed the merchant guild’s Hydra problem! And the Fungiy infestation. And then a Chimera den. Ooh, and also a lich but he was friendly so that one was easy!

Huh?

Oh no, it was no trouble! Especially the lich. He had lots of tea. Even that kind you like! Cyo… Cy-al… the golden one!

That’s the one!

Anyway, it’s been a great day. What about you?

Really? I thought you already sorted that.

Right, once a week. Sounds… annoying. Can I help?

Yeah, I can’t read ancient, but I can lift the boxes!

Well, if there’s anything I can do, tell me! I am at your command, your highness!

I know you know, but reminders are nice!

Ooh yes, I almost forgot! Cedwin said I should find you!

For this letter! Straight from the merchant’s guild, your eyes only, protect it with my life, all that stuff!

[envelope tears]

What’s it say? Is it a thank you note? It’s definitely that, isn’t it? The merchant’s boss guy didn’t say thank you even once while I was there so it’s gotta be that.

[harp music stops]

Wait, what? Why do they have to leave? The music sounded so good!

Oh no… it’s bad news, isn’t it?

A list of demands?! But we just helped them out!

Well, that’s a little mean. And a waste of perfectly good paper! Why draft a letter when I could have just relayed the message?

It says what?

Can they do that? They can’t do that, right?

But you're in charge of like… everything!

Well… ~strategic divulgence of resources ~ can go suck an egg butt! You keep the roads safe, you organize international trade, you negotiated for the fae to stop stealing horses, and you even had me fix their whole monster problem! What more do they want?

Tax breaks? Why does it seem like that’s always what they’re asking about?

Are the taxes even that bad? I don’t notice them.

{confused}

I don’t pay taxes?

My services are deductible? Like re-ductible?

Oh! Well, that’s fair! I think…

It is fair, right?

Yeah, see, it makes total sense when you say it like that! If the taxes are for helping the community, then I basically already pay them! The merchants can’t ask for my help, for free, and ask for tax breaks!

Wait, what?

Could you… explain that in different words? I don’t really get most of the economy stuff.

(gasp)

That’s outrageous!

Yeah, if the… what did you call it? Something about nets?

Well, if that only applies after, then the merchants wouldn’t even make any more money! Just the guild leaders!

Then what’s even the point?

{exasperated}

But that’s… that’s not fair!

You have to say no! You can’t let them win!

What do you mean, you can’t? Ah! Are they holding you hostage? Was the letter cursed? I swear to you, I will break this spell no matter what it takes! I will not rest until-!

Oh. Then what’s wrong?

They… they wouldn’t do that, would they? Diverting trade is one thing but if they stop trading food, thousands will suffer! And they may as well be condemning every city in the Shiftsands if they stop shipping water!

Surely the merchants won’t stand for that!

Damn magical contracts… I knew there was something curse-esk going on!

So then… what do you do?

No, there’s… there’s got to be a way! There’s always a way! You taught me that.

Really?

Okay…

Wait, slow down. That… sounds so complicated! Is that what this is going to come down to? Endless meetings, rations, spying, delegations, and for what? To stall until they give up?

No, I… I don’t think it won’t work but… that doesn’t sound like winning. It sounds like losing… really slowly.

Wow, that’s… sad. Is this how things always are?

Huh…

Well um… I guess you should… start whatever’s first. I’ll uh… I’ll be back.

[writing ambiance]

Knock knock! I return bearing Cyiola tea, biscuits, and two hands ready for a shoulder rub! How are we doing?

Hey, no! You, your royal highness, are in desperate need of counter-stress! Unless you’re ordering me to stop, then I’m making sure you have some silver lining in this whole process.

It’s not like I’ve got any other problems to beat up. I might as well fight your back pain.

Pretty please?

Yay! Okay, sit right there, keep writing, keep breathing, and tell me if anything’s too rough!

This the spot?

Perfect.

So, whatcha writing?

Ooh, actually scratch that. I forgot this is like, totally depressing.

Wait, that came off the wrong way. Sorry. I just… I like problems I can punch. Or stab. Or throw off a cliff. Things like this just… mess with me.

(chuckle)

Glad to hear the feeling’s mutual, but I’m sure you’ve got this. You’re great at this sort of thing.

Hey, don’t say stuff like that! You are incredible. So smart. We’re all… I’m lucky to have you.

Did I get the tea right? I wasn’t one hundred percent sure how many sugar cubes you wanted but Cedwin was busy so no help there.

That’s great! I was really feeling three cubes but then I-!

You probably want some quiet right about now, don’t you?

Can do.

(quick exhale)

That looked like it kinda hurt. You okay?

Higher up it is.

Done already?

Hey, the first draft is progress. Which means you deserve at least a minute of taking your mind off this.

How about a hug? Then I’ll go find something to do. Maybe I could handle a meeting for you! Take notes!

I insist. Give me your most grueling chore of a task, and I’ll go handle it.

You’re pulling your punches. I can tell!

Fine. You win. But only because I don’t want to add stress to your day by arguing. I’ll go inspect the minting presses. Now, hugs.

Oh stop, I know you love it. You probably need it too. You’re supposed to be getting four of these a day, ya’ know.

I don’t know where I heard that. But it doesn’t really matter, I know it’s right.

I may not have done any fancy experiments, but I know what I feel. And I ~feel~ like if I don’t hug you at least a thousand times every hour, I’m going to die.

Yes. I’m absolutely sure of that.

(kiss)

Wow, stealing a whole kiss, are we your majesty?

Stop it! You know I can’t handle this sort of thing! Not when you’re so… you!

Yeah… just be glad I’m being extra nice to you. Otherwise, I’d totally give you a noogie for flustering me. I’m supposed to be the big, strong hero! I can’t have anyone finding out I go weak in the knees from a kiss!

Alright, break’s over! I need to get out of here before you have me on the bed.

Yeah yeah, see you soon, your majesty.

Hey, actually uh… before I go I want to say that um… well it’s probably obvious and… I bet you know already but, I’m here for you. Always.

No, not just because that’s like… my life’s purpose. And not because I like the fights or the… ~romance stuff~... not that that stuff isn’t great! But… I mean like…

Sorry, I don’t know how to describe it. I just… I trust you a lot, okay? I know that wherever you’re going, I’m with you. And I… I know you’ll make the right decision. Not just now but… forever.

Or at least for another few decades! I suppose forever isn’t really the most realistic but, I’m with you until my last breath, okay?

Okay.

I’m going to go stare at someone stare at a printing press now, alright?

Good luck with… whatever you’re about to do to keep the economy from collapsing! I’m sure you’ve got this!

Love you!