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[FX: Phone Typing] Okay, this is just getting creepy. Are you reading my texts over my shoulder again? We've discussed this.

[Pause]

As you can clearly see, I’m not doing anything nefarious, nor am I plotting a daring escape from our living room.

[Pause]

That was a joke, but don’t tempt me.

[Pause]

It's not like you won't break into my phone later anyway. Can’t we at least maintain the polite fiction that I have the slightest bit of privacy?

[Pause]

Oh for heaven's sake, stop hovering. Sit down.

[Pause]

[Amused] You know this chair is only built for one person, right?

[Pause]

[Slightly Petulant] Well, you don’t have to move.

[Pause]

I’m assuming you read my conversation in the group chat? [Short Pause] So you know that I’m getting drinks with the girls tomorrow night? [Short Pause] And you know you’re not coming?

[Pause]

No, not even if you sit at another table. That makes Cecilia uncomfortable. It really stressed her out last time, which I’m assuming you overheard while eavesdropping on us. Besides, Madison is already convinced you’re abusive — and she isn’t exactly incorrect, now is she?

[Pause]

Yes, they will notice. You aren’t James Bond, darling. You stick out like a sore thumb.

[Pause]

Okay. I'm going to tell you a story, and I want you to tell me what you think the moral of that story is.

When I was a girl, we brought home a fluffy little German Shepherd puppy. If you've never had a German Shepherd, you might picture them as strong and regal. Having lived with a few as a child, I assure you that they are needy, whiny creatures. They zero in on a single person, and that person becomes their person. Everyone else could go die, as far as they’re concerned.

That German Shepherd followed my mother everywhere. If she closed a door, the dog wailed. If she left home, the dog was glued to the window. The whole time, its muscles were tensed; it was ready to spring. When my mother came home, it would start barking and whining and throw itself at the door.

My mother found the whole thing charming at first, but it began to wear on her. That level of dependency always does. Personally, I hated that dog. While its loyalty was commendable, its desperation was pathetic.

Do you understand what I'm getting at?

[Pause]

Yes, that is part of why I won't let you buy us a guard dog. Also because I don’t trust you with living things. But no, that is not my point. My point is that you need to stop following me everywhere. It's getting annoying. If you keep this up, you are going to rapidly eat away at the little goodwill you've earned since you last tried to kidnap me.

[Pause]

Believe it or not, time does not heal all wounds. And the most recent attempt was not eight years ago. It was six years ago. Don't think I didn't catch the pills you slipped in my hot cocoa when we were at the ski lodge.

[Pause]

Yes, that is why I spilled it all over you. [Sarcastic] Very good. Gold star.

[Pause]

Fine, yes. I’m open to compromise.

[Pause]

Not that compromise. [Short Pause] No. [Short Pause] No. [Short Pause] Absolutely not. [Short Pause] Okay, that last one sounds like science fiction. There's absolutely no way that would work…On second thought, it’s sounding better every minute. Let's mark that down as a maybe.

[Short Pause]

You are not injecting anything into me. If it involves injecting something into me, that option is officially off the table. And if I wake up with any strange scratches or bumps, I’m going to assume you’ve done so against my will and react accordingly. Got it?

[Pause]

Fine. I’ll stop turning off the Find My iPhone feature. Honestly, the only reason I started turning it off in the first place was to see your reaction.

[Pause]

I'm willing to consider an anklet if it is beautiful and delicate and coordinates well with the rest of my jewelry. I imagine you can figure that one out without my guidance. If you don't know what I like by now, then there's really no hope for you.

[Pause]

If they don’t make tracking devices in sterling silver, then I don’t want one.

[Pause]

Hmm? The panic button concept is intriguing, but I don’t like the design. Too clunky.

[Pause]

I suppose I could be talked around to the keychain.

[Pause]

Alright, that’s step one. The next question is what you are going to do while I am out with my friends. I’m going to give you a hint. The answer is not: Sitting in the car a block away. You are going to take an interest in something that is not me, so that we have something new to talk about at dinner.

At this point, I will accept literally anything.

[Pause]

…I’m going to consider murder and all things murder-related to be me-adjacent. Try expanding your horizons a bit. I’m thinking knitting or model trains or something else harmless that doesn’t involve interacting with other humans — since that might be too much for you right now and would definitely be unfair to whatever poor souls I unleashed you upon. Thoughts?

[Pause]

Yes, that is acceptable. Now, how about you do a little research on that hobby, and I’m going to go take a bubblebath and finish reading this novel. Do not follow me.

[Pause]

[Amused, exasperated] Yes, I love you, too.

[Pause]

[Sarcastic, fond] I promise that, somehow, we will survive this great distance.

[Pause]

Just so you know: If I find you lurking at the door, I’m going to hit you with this book.

[Pause]

I know it’s a paperback. It’s not supposed to hurt, darling. It’s supposed to embarrass you. Try to dredge up a little shame for me, hmm?

[Pause]

Okay, closing the door. Goodbye. Love you. Please stay away. [FX: Door Closes]