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Hey. So I’m not sure why you haven’t asked me out yet, but I need you to get on that. My friends are starting to think there’s something wrong with you, aside from the obvious, and if this keeps up, they’ll start to think there’s something wrong with me for liking you.

[Pause]

Yeah, I like you. That’s what I just said. It’s annoying. I kind of have other things that I need to focus on right now. Not all of us are slackers.

[Pause]

What do you mean, “You didn’t know”? I’ve been super obvious about it.

Two Weeks Ago

I guess somebody finally decided to show up. Where were you yesterday? Sick? Ew. Well, good job on not dying or whatever.

One Week Ago

I like your shirt. [Giggles. Whispers] Oh my God, stop. [Normal Volume] Yeah, no, it looks really good on you. You should wear it all the time.

Three Days Ago

Wow. If it isn’t the hottest person in school. What’s up, weirdo? Why are you talking to me?

Back to the Present

If you couldn’t figure that out, then I don’t even know. Like, I kind of thought that since you were quiet, you were like smart and deep and stuff. But whatever. Quiet people can be dumb, too, I guess.

[Pause]

You thought I was being sarcastic? Why? We’ve been going to school together for like…twelve years. Don’t you know what my voice sounds like?

[Pause]

My face? What about it?

[Pause]

I never smile at you? I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you, like, needed me to smile all the time. That’s kind of sexist. I have RBF. It’s a medical condition. Look it up.

[Pause]

I mean, I guess I can try smiling. [Small, Pained Noises] Is this…good? No? Great. Let’s never do it again.

[Pause]

Uh, no, I wouldn’t spend this much time throwing myself at your feet for a joke. I wouldn’t mess with my reputation just to mess with yours because I have, like, way more to lose, and do you actually believe I’m that much of a bitch?

[Short Pause]

[Scoff] Wow, you must think I’m, like, the worst. What’s up with that?

[Pause]

Jenny? She doesn’t even go here anymore.

[Pause]

No, I don’t know that I’m the reason she transferred. I’m not actually the center of the universe, though it’s sort of sweet that you think so. Jenny had a lot of stuff going on, and a little gossip and a few pranks and one small trip to the hospital was just, like, the cherry on top. You don’t know her story. Maybe her family had to move or maybe she finally ran away with her girlfriend.

[Pause]

Mmm…no, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t something I made up. She is like desperately in love with some chick from Middleborough. It’s pathetic but also super romantic. The point is that you can’t blame me for the Jenny thing. Next?

[Short Pause]

We’re frenemies. It comes with the territory. Next?

[Short Pause]

I was twelve. Everyone’s a monster at twelve. Next?

[Short Pause]

I mean, yeah, sure, I can apologize to your little friend. Anything else?

[Short Pause]

So we’re good, then.

[Pause]

Go on.

[Pause]

[Groans] Look. I’m gonna be, like, really honest with you for a second, so listen up. The fact is that you look like you do and talk like you do and act like you do, and you haven’t asked me out yet…but somehow, I still kind of like you. So it’s probably true love or whatever. But if you don’t ask me out like now, I’ll go find someone better and literally forget you exist in, like, a month.

[Pause]

Cool. You’re picking me up at six, and if you don’t bring flowers, we’re done.

[Flirty] See you later, boo.