I am @EmeraldAshesAudio on YouTube, if you would like to credit me.

Just updated the script to include options for both a male & female "darling," but it was kind of a rush job...so there may be a minor error or two.

The original version of this audio is here. And I'm on Ko-Fi here, if you ever want to leave me a small tip.

[FX: Phone Ringing. Answering Machine Intro]

Hey! I know you're probably screening my calls right now, and I totally respect your boundaries because that’s something I’ve been working on in therapy, which I have been attending even though I did finish up all the court mandated sessions. Long story short, this is sort of an SOS, and I really need your help.

[Vulnerable] …You don't want me to go to jail again, right?

[Cheerful, Relieved] Thank you for picking up. This is why you’re my best friend.

[Pause]

I think you would still be my best friend if there was more competition. But that’s not why I called. I was stalking…stopping by the park and this [Besotted] really beautiful girl / gorgeous guy fainted. I’m trying to figure out what to do, and I’m pretty sure most of my ideas aren’t, um, acceptable? And then I thought, hey! I know someone’s who’s normal, and I should get their advice. [Short Pause] Well, normal compared to me.

[Pause]

[Defensive] No, I’m not doing “that thing” again. There isn’t a “thing.” It happened with one guy, I regret it, and he didn’t even renew the restraining order. So clearly it wasn’t that bad.

[Pause]

[Can’t get a word in edgewise] I wasn’t…I wouldn’t…Look, if you’re gonna be a dick about this, then I’ll just hang up and use my best judgment.

[Pause]

[Muttered] Okay, fine, I deserved that. But if you’re helping, then help. There’s an unconscious girl. At my feet. [Besotted] Who looks like he/she was handcrafted by God Himself. Got any advice?

[Pause]

What? Of course I’m not gonna kiss him/her or touch him/her or anything. I’m not that much of a creep…[Besotted] even if he/she does kind of look like a sleeping prince/princess. A-anyway. I was thinking maybe I should take him/her to my house, tuck him/her into bed, get some Tyle…no? That’s bad? But then I could take care of him/her.

[Pause]

Okay, I can see how waking up in a stranger’s bed could be a little…much. Even if it would be a lot more convenient for me.

[Pause]

It would have to be my bed. [Defensive] Not because of anything weird! But I’m not gonna put him/her on the couch. My bed is so much softer and more spacious and [Besotted] maybe it would smell like him/her after and [Clearly Being Yelled At] Okay, fine, got it! No taking him/her home with me.

What if I take him/her to his/her home?

[Pause]

[Bad Liar] No, I don't know where he/she lives! Obviously. That would be weird. We’ve never met before. But…uh. He/She has a driver's license. I could just check…No? But wouldn’t he/she be a lot more comfortable in his/her own bed? And he/she has a roommate…might have a roommate…or family. Unless he/she lives alone because I don’t know that. Why would I know that? I’m a stranger. But…why shouldn’t I take him/her home?

[Pause]

…oh. Oh. Huh. Even though I don’t seem that scary?

[Pause]

[Muttered] Not everyone has my arrest records. I have it on good authority that most people think I’m adorable, and I would be acting as a good Samaritan. That’s not that threatening.

[Pause]

[Annoyed, Resigned] Fine. What am I supposed to do, then?

[Pause]

I don’t know if this is really an ambulance situation? I don’t think he/she’s actually hurt. He's/She’s been going nonstop all day and not eating and he/she hasn’t really been taking care of himself/herself and —

[Pause]

Well, yeah, if he/she couldn’t wake up at all, I would call an ambulance, but I haven’t…exactly…tried to wake him/her up yet? He/She looks so peaceful, and he/she hasn’t been sleeping lately, and I would feel like such a monster if I made him/her get up when he/she’s finally resting.

[Pause]

No. No, you’re right. I should check to make sure he/she’s okay. Poor Angel.

[Pause]

No that’s not his/her name. That’s just what I call him/her in my head. [Flustered, Bad Liar] As of the last 5 minutes because I don’t know his/her name. Because why would I?

[Thoughtfully] Wait a second. If I’m going to wake him/her up. Do you think…? [Besotted] Would touching his/her shoulder be okay?

[Pause]

[Disgruntled Mutter] Fine, only if I need to.

[Gentle] Hey. Hey there. Can you please wake up? Please? For me?

[Flustered] Oh my God, he/she’s waking up. Oh my God, he/she’s looking at me! I’ll call you back.