Marking this A4A since it isn't explicitly gendered, but as a heads-up, I do think the speaker's tone leans feminine. Feel free to make minor tweaks if doing a male version.

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[FX: Party Noises]

[Bubbly] Hey! Hate to get in between you two lovebirds, but somebody needs to stop hogging the birthday girl. I know you guys have been dating for like two weeks, and you’re attached at the hip right now. It’s precious, really. But everybody’s here to see you. You gotta mingle.

[Pause]

[Calmer, cooler] Eh, eh, eh. Not you. Let the girl go talk with her friends for a few minutes.

[Short Pause]

[Bubbly] Shoo! Be social. I can keep dark and broody company, okay? I want to get to know them better anyways. [Short Pause] Hey, don’t give me that look. It’s all good. We’re not gonna kill each other if you leave us alone together for five minutes. Promise!

[FX: Party Noise]

[Serious. Cold.] You’re not the only person who would kill for her, you know? If you hurt that girl, I will bury you.

[Pause]

I’m sure she’d be mad at first, but she’d forgive me eventually. I’m her best friend. We’ve been friends since we were six. Even if she did hate me for it, I can live with that. I already hate myself for biting my tongue and playing nice for too damned long the last time around. I’m not doing it again.

[Pause]

Dude, save your breath. You’re a psycho. Just because you showed up at the right moment to play Knight in Shining Armor doesn’t erase the fact that you killed a man with a machete. You were only there in the first place because you were [Angry] stalking my friend.

Yeah, she told me about that. I’m her BFF. [Taunting] She tells me everything.

When she told me about all the fucked up things you’ve been doing? I told her to get a restraining order and that dating you was literally insane. But she doesn’t always listen to me, unfortunately, and she has zero common sense when romance is involved.

Hell, you met her ex-boyfriend. I know you killed him like 2 minutes later, but that kind of proves my point, doesn’t it? She needs to stop chasing after monsters, but…[Annoyed] whatever.

Look, you might be the one who finished off her ex when he came back, but I’m the one who scared him out of town in the first place. If you mess with her, you’re gonna find out why he ran, and this time, I won’t be so nice. I’ve learned my lesson about leaving loose ends.

[Pause]

To be clear, I don’t just mean that I’ll murder you if you hit her. That bullshit you were pulling earlier where you were glaring daggers at anyone who dared to talk to her and then suddenly turned all sweetness and light the second she looked your way? That needs to stop.

I’m not going to let you isolate her. If she stops hanging out with people or she can only hang out when you’re there as her shadow? If she gets [sarcastic] just so busy and stops answering her texts? If she starts getting that small, hunted looked in her eyes again? If I get the slightest inkling that you two don’t have the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever seen?

I will fucking destroy you. Do you understand me? [Short Pause] Good.

[Pause]

[Bubbly] Hey, bestie! You having fun?

[Pause]

Fine, okay, you can have them back. They’re still in one piece, see? You had nothing to worry about. We were just talking a bit.

[Pause]

[Teasing] About you, duh. Don’t worry, I’m holding onto the really embarrassing stories until you’re there, too. It’s no fun if I can’t see your face.

[Pause]

You are way too easy to wind up. Seriously, though, if I don’t get another drink, I think I might actually die. You guys should go dance or something. We’ll talk more later, okay? Bye.

[FX: Party Noises]